But sometimes, especially when I've just woken up or am extra-tired, it's hard.
I mean, I KNOW this is of God, I KNOW it's exactly what I'm supposed to be doing, but those horrible doubts start to creep it....thoughts of the immensity of what I need to teach Johanna, thoughts of all of my children back home (and how desparately I'm missing them and my husband), thoughts of all of the "what-ifs" that are yet to come.....
All of this is compounded by the loneliness of traveling across the world by myself.
But then, OH!, but then! My GOD is SO good, at those times when I'm feeling low, to give me precious glimpses of what HE sees, of the BIG picture.
Like the one He gave me this morning. I took the girls to the Chinese church service here on the island. The "official" churches, ones sanctioned by the Chinese government, are very limited in what they can/cannot teach and preach. But I wanted Johanna to see CHINESE people worshipping God, before we bring her home and she is flooded by Americans worshipping God. Plus, I was starved for church and wanted to go :)
They started out singing "Come Thou, Almighty King". I closed my eyes, praising the LORD in my heart, even though I couldn't understand the words being sung.
I looked over at Johanna, and this is what I saw:
Right then and there, the LORD reminded me again, that THIS IS WORTH IT. If I had to leave my family, travel around the globe, arrive exhausted to be given a girl who is missing all she's ever known(yet trying so very hard to "fit" in), struggle through even basic communication.....if I had to do all of this, for just this one moment....
It would be worth it.
And I'll gladly follw my Saviour if HE leads me to do it again.
Please continue to pray that I can fight off the homesickness and enjoy my time here in China. I'm loving it as long as I don't think about those I left behind :).....
Selina! I know you must be missing your dear sweet children and husband; yet how sweet this time with Johanna. What an emotional journey for you and Johanna. I pray that God will comfort you with His peace and love and fill up those lonely times.
ReplyDeleteI admire your strength and courage to travel alone with a small child. I have also loved how God has sent you just the right person to be there to help along the way. What a great testimony of His provision!
Thanks for being real!
Wow! Tears are running down my face! "Holy Spirit, come right now into this situation and bathe Selina and her whole family in the knowledge, Joy and grace of feeling in every cell of their bodies God's good and perfect will in this new life you've led them to together. Today, especially, let Selina feel Your love and delight for what she has been willing to do as a woman, mother, wife and friend; let her know that she knows that she knows everything is unfolding beautifully and right on time from where You sit! In the name of Jesus, Amen"
ReplyDeleteI've stumbled upon your blog through my google reader a few days back and have since 'caught up' on your adoption journey story... thank you for sharing your heart while following the path God is leading your family on.
ReplyDeletePrayers are going out for your family from our home here in HONG KONG!
~Katie
Well, it is a blessing watching her get her new mommy!! Hang in there. China is bitter sweet. I love going--love more coming home. I guess I'm trying to say enjoy the ride. We are so blessed that He lets us take this journey.
ReplyDeleteI loved the picture of Johanna with the hymnbook! Precious! So glad Johanna is doing better. Our Haleigh was four and there have been lots of ups and downs since we have been home, but it is so worth it. Praying that you will continue to have peace and enjoy the rest of your journey. I actually get "homesick" for China often. I never realized how much a part of me it became.
ReplyDeleteIsn't God just SO good! Sometimes, when we are weary, He shows us why he called us to love these precious kids!
ReplyDeleteWhen we adopted our 8 yr. old, my DH had the same type of experience, only in the opposite way. While Mama was taking a break from the heat, Roger took our two adopted daughters for a walk. They decided to head into the air conditioning, and walked through the White Swan, looking at all of the beautiful carved statues, etc. Nina stopped in the middle of the lobby and bowed to three idols! He said that it took his breath away, and scared him to death! He heard God saying directly to him, "THIS is why I brought you here. So that she will know ME, and how very much I love her. Take her home, and teach her."
Nina loves the Lord, now, as does Emma, younger Chinese sister. She loves church, and you should see her worship!!
Praise God for his faithfulness!
I can't say it any better than "Mother of Two" did! We're thinking of you here at home, and and all our girls are praying "that Johanna likes America." :) You are a strong and phenomenal family! Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteps...when Johanna grins, she has the prettiest smile I've ever seen! You can just see her joy!