Surviving to Thriving: Refreshing Tips for Successful Older Child Adoption

I wish that parenting came with a perfect "how to" handbook. I REALLY wish adoptive parenting came with that handbook. :)

I've been asked to share what we've learned so far in our adoptive parenting journey. Most of this applies to adopting an older child, but some of it is helpful with the younger crowd as well. Johanna has encouraged me to blog these things, and I plan on getting her to participate in the series. (We've got a great plan for an interactive video, too!)

There are so many things we wish we had known when we first brought Johanna home, things that have literally made the difference between us making it or not. I'm always learning and willing to share what I've learned---so, here goes. :)

(Please remember that I'm not THE expert in this field, and that all of my advice may or may not work for you and your child.)

Let's start at the beginning with number one. :)

1. Focus on the Essentials

Often families are struggling because of a focus on non-essentials.

Here's the thing: Kindness is an essential skill.

Eating oatmeal is not. 

Respect for authority is another esssential.

Throwing toilet paper into the toilet (and not the trashcan or floor) is not. :)

Communicating needs and feelings in English is an essential skill.

Reading in English is not. 

Bonding and forming healthy attachments with both parents and siblings is an ESSENTIAL skill----Education is not. 

Yes, they need an education. Yes, we want them to "catch up". Sadly, many families focus on catching up with education MORE than they focus on catching up on healthy attachments. 

If you're more stressed about what workbook/curriculum/online program/school your child needs than you are their ability to fully communicate with you in English, you are likely focusing on the WRONG SKILL. 

And here is where you find frustrated families, because a child with no healthy attachment skills will more than likely NOT CATCH UP on their education. So you're pushing, and forcing, and stressing, and the child could care less because the skill they need most is an attachment with you, not an education.

My number one advice for families adopting an older child is for them to FOCUS ON THE ESSENTIALS. 

Early essential skills worth focusing on:

---Kindness to both people AND animals.
---Communication of needs in new language.
---Healthy sleep and eating habits.
---Family rules for chores and safety.
---Playful interaction between family members.
---Loving touch is a GOOD thing.
---Parents are primary and NECESSARY for meeting needs.

Behaviors NOT worth focusing on in the beginning:

---Public behavior (even when it's incredibly embarrassing, lol).
---Gross habits (nose picking, burping at table, wiping snot on their sleeve, etc).
---Hygiene (daily showering, changing of clothes, brushing teeth, etc).
---Food preferences.
---Unhealthy attachment/idolization of past relationships or country.
---Heart change. (More on this one later.)
---SCHOOL.

Now, of course, many of the things on the non-essential list are able to be addressed while still focusing on the essentials.

But anytime you find yourself overwhelmed or upset at your child, ask yourself--"Is this an essential skill I'm stressing about?" 

If the answer is "no", consider easing up, letting go, and returning to the essentials for awhile. :)

For My Daughter

Dearest Eliana,

Yesterday, you turned THIRTEEN. 

I could go on an on about how fast the years have flown by, or reminisce about all the adorable things you did when you were a baby, but instead, I want to take a minute and share my heart with you. 

I want you to know that I am proud of you. You are a born overcomer. There have been many things that life has thrown your way that have been challenging, and yet, you have overcome each one.

You are a forgiver. Only your family truly knows the things you've faced, but each time, you were given two options: become bitter, or forgive. I am overwhelmed with gratefulness that you chose what God wants---forgiveness.

You are an example. I love that I can tell the little girls to "be like Ellie" and it's a GOOD thing. :) I watch the way you mother them, and I listen to the way you speak to them, and I can hear Jesus in you. Always choose G-R-A-C-E in your dealings with children. They look to you for an example.

You are loved. From Aunt Rhonda (pictured above) to the rest of your extended family, from Johanna down to Titus, and especially from your Daddy and myself---YOU ARE LOVED. Wherever life takes you, never forget that we love you. Right now, at 13, you may take it for granted, but someday you will wake up and find yourself lonely for the chaos that is your f-a-m-i-l-y.

And we will be there for you. (Hopefully that's a reassuring thing. LOL)

You are beautiful. I look at you and stand in awe of your beauty. I love the fact that the inside is as beautiful as the outside.

It won't be long before young men start noticing the lovely young woman you've become. Don't waste your time with those who are more interested in your outer beauty than your true inner beauty. Save your heart for that very special young man who is waiting patiently for YOU.

Remember that there will always be someone "prettier" than you, "thinner" than you, more "popular" than you, and that seems "happier" than you. Don't fall into the female comparison trap. You'll never please everyone anyway.

Just.Be.Beautiful.You.

The one God created in my womb thirteen years ago.

The one who fills our days with such delightful J-O-Y.

You're radiant with the love of Jesus. Remember that serving HIM will bring you true joy in life.

Money, fame, popularity, and plenty of STUFF will try to distract you from serving Jesus. Keep your heart close to HIM so His voice is louder than all of the distractions.

People say the "teen" years are hard. I know it has to be hard to feel stuck between child and adult. :)

Your Daddy and I are there for you as you navigate this path to adulthood. We aren't perfect parents and you won't be the perfect teen---but you will ALWAYS be the perfect teen for US.

I'm not sure I'm ready for you to grow up. I've never walked this journey before. It's exciting and scary all at once.

I know the time will come (sooner than I'd like!) when you will examine all that we have poured into you and determine what YOU truly believe. Your faith and your purpose in life will be brought under deep scrutiny.

If you only come away with one thing, my prayer is that it's a vibrant love relationship with Jesus. None of the rest is important if you don't LOVE HIM.

You could not do or be anything that could make us any more proud of you than we are right this very minute. You are our precious first-born, our miracle child, the child we begged God to allow us to have.

You are a delight to both Daddy and me.

I will love you forever.

Happy 13th birthday.

Mommy

10 Things You Wish You Knew About Adopting An Older Child

1. You will fall in love with a picture and a child a world away, and you will lay awake at night, thinking of this child and wondering about the days, months, years that you have missed. You'll wonder if you will ever truly be "Mommy" and if your love will fill the void of an empty heart. An ache will fill you down deep in your soul and it will become your necessary strength for this journey.

2. You will try to share this crazy, incredible adoption experience with your closest friends and loved ones and find their blank stares and "Are you completely crazy?" comments unnerving. They won't get it, and that's okay, because you know in your soul that you are this child's mother and you will give up trying to explain it to everyone.

3. Your "Gotcha Day" might not be filled with cute pictures you can't wait to post on the internet of  you and your new child. In fact, the hand-over will be quick, the paperwork a blur, the guide will pat your back and say, "See you tomorrow!" and you will find yourself in a quiet hotel room, alone, with a child whom you loved from afar but cannot even begin to communicate with. The newness and shock will wear off within a day or two and then reality will set in, for both you AND your child, and your world will start spinning with thoughts of "what have we done?" and "can we DO this?" and their world will be spinning with thoughts of "I'm scared!" and "I want to go back to the orphanage!" and even if you know this is for the very best you will both be struggling under the weight of the UNKNOWN yet to come. You will lie awake at night with a stranger in the room and hope you haven't just made the biggest mistake of your life. You will long for your other children, for home, for sights, smells, and sounds that are familiar---knowing all the while your child is losing exactly what you miss.

4. You will get home and things will settle down a bit. You still can't communicate much, but charades and Google Translate and baby talk will work for a while. The jet lag will just about kill you, but once that wears off, the honeymoon will begin. Your husband and other children, your friends, and your family will lavish attention on the new child, and you will breathe a sigh of relief. This may actually work after all! The smiles, the giggles, the joyful, abandoned way your child embraces new experiences will delight you and encourage you. You will stress over schoolwork and foods for awhile, then shortly come to the realization that there are far more important things to be learned.

5. You will be shocked by this child's immaturity. No matter how old their paperwork says they are, in reality they are more like a toddler. So you have to start with toddler basics---things like: sit quietly at the table, don't wipe your snot on your shirt, don't throw yourself on the floor when I tell you "no". And you will begin the long process of repeating yourself, daily. Some new behaviors will be learned quickly---but other ones will take every.last.drop. of energy you ever possessed. You will have to teach your child how to snuggle, how to seek comfort, how to need people, how to read their body signals, how to do just about every last thing. You will cease to stress over schoolwork and such and will learn to appreciate little victories---like the first time you take your child to the store and they don't crawl under the clothing racks or run around in loud circles. Or the first time they fall and get hurt and run TO you instead of AWAY from you. You'll capture the first unsolicited kiss or hug and the first "I love you" and keep the memory and sweetness of it tucked away for the next exhausting day.

6. The honeymoon will eventually wear off completely, and your child will begin to grieve and rage heavily. The immensity of the loss ("Why my China mommy not keep me? Why you not adopt me when I a baby??? Why I not see my friends in China anymore?") combined with the inability to process their feelings in a healthy way---and the language barrier---will send the child almost completely over the edge. The mourning process may be quick but it may be lengthy and you will be dealing with hours and hours of crying, screaming, raging, defiance, or running away. This child who never learned to obey will defy you at every turn. You will need to help this child all.day.long. yet will feel the guilt of not being able to meet the needs of everyone who needs you simultaneously. The new child "needs" the most so the other family members must take second place for a time. And your guilt continues. You will, out of complete necessity, pull back from EVERYTHING else in your life.

7. You will keep the "bad days" to yourself, far more than you should, simply because you want this to work and you know you're right smack in the center of God's will and you don't want to hear the "I told you so's" from the crowd of dissenters. You will fear scaring off potential adoptive families if you tell the truth about how very hard this is. You will find your entire world is turned upside down for a while, and you will wonder if life will ever return to normal. The house you used to keep spotless will become messy, the children you used to have well-trained will begin to struggle, and you will find every aspect of your life in fragile disarray.

8. Your other children will "love" this child, then hate this child, then learn to truly love this child. This process will rip your entire heart right out of your body, yet it will teach all of you about Jesus' love. You will turn into a full-time counselor, guiding precious little hearts towards choosing love and forgiveness. YOU can take just about anything, but when your other children come to you and express their honest thoughts and struggles over this new child, you will come very close to wanting to disrupt, to start over, to go back to the safety of your "old" comfort circle. You will need other adoptive friends who can encourage and equip you to carry on when the going gets tough.

9. You will choose to continue on this journey, not because it is easy, but because it is good and right and necessary for healing. You will hold the raging child for hours and hours, you will redo and script and discipline and train and repeat yourself until you think you're going to lose your mind. You will snuggle this child when it makes your skin crawl, you will love this child even though you don't even like them some days, you will drop into bed drop-dead exhausted---and then you will get up again the next day and do it all over again, because you are committed to helping this child blossom. You will not rely on your feelings, because they will be all over the stinkin' place at times, but you WILL rely on your husband, your faith, and your unwavering commitment to parent this precious child. You will dig down deep and plow ahead, KNOWING the rewards will be worth it.

10. You will wake up one morning and realize that you've both made it through the dark valley and you're finally on somewhat even ground. Your child will brush their teeth without being told, will use a napkin and manners at the table. They will not whine, cry, quit, or cheat at their schoolwork. They will seek out affection and receive it willingly. You will smile as your children play together nicely and whisper sweet secrets in the dark at bedtime. You will listen and weep as your child finally opens up about their past, the abuse, and the heart of why they are who they are. You will take a breath and realize that you no longer love the image of this child--you truly love them. And you will find that your child is not the only one who has grown during this journey---you will not be the same person as before. You will be better. You will have no regrets as you realize you would gladly do it all over again to get to TODAY.

Day 13: Parent, The Teacher, Part 3

*Disclaimer: This post is long. I know that. I'm asking you to consider taking the time to read every word, slowly. I really feel like this is the essence of Grace Parenting. It's the foundation all of the other thoughts, tips, and methods are built on. With that in mind, I'm asking you: Please don't skip this post. 

Last time, we talked about the importance of teaching our children in the areas of education and emotions.

Today we're going to talk about how we can teach our children spiritually.

Because, in the end, if we have gained the whole world, but lost the soul of our child....we have truly lost it all.

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Many parents talk about God with their young children. It goes something like this:

"Johnny, what you just did was BAD. Jesus is sad now. You don't want Jesus to be sad, do you? Well, then, you need to obey."

or

"God hates lying. The Bible says 'XYZ' about lying. You better never lie again."

or

"God punishes me when I disobey Him. That's why I have to punish you now."

Each one of these scenarios (while mixed with some truth) is NOT giving our children the gospel of grace.

It is using God as a discipline threat.

We shouldn't be shocked that teenagers are running as fast as they can from a God who is viewed as nothing but a sad, angry, disappointed disciplinarian.

The question is, then,

How can we point our children to the true, living, grace-filled gospel of Jesus Christ?

First, we must define what the gospel IS and what it is NOT.
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THE GOSPEL:

The gospel--in a nutshell--is that God, the creator of the universe, had a plan when He created everything.      The first man, Adam, was sinless until he ate of the forbidden tree. Every human since Adam has also sinned against God.

God set in place the beginning of His plan for mankind: a way of atonement, through a sacrificial system, to offer forgiveness for those who broke God's laws. A person would bring a lamb to the high priest to be slain for his sins. Atonement was found in the blood that was shed. (All of this is found in the first three books of the Bible.)

For thousands of years (as documented in the Old Testament), this sacrificial system remained in place. With a few exceptions, most believers in the true God were Jews. But all through the Old Testament, starting with the fall of man, we see the promise of a Messiah.

At the appointed time, God sent Jesus, His only Son (and equally God AND man) to this world, as He had promised. Jesus, the Messiah, became the once-for-all sacrifice that ended the need for the original sacrificial system. His blood was shed when He was crucified (He became the lamb) and He ended the need for a high priest. Believers can now come boldly to the throne of grace! 

Jesus died, was buried, and rose again, and seen by many before His return to heaven. He left us with a new promise, that He would one day come again and bring all believers to live with Him eternally.

Forgiveness of sins--for all people, of all nations-- is now found ONE way: through redeeming faith in Jesus Christ.

I love this passage:

"Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ; By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also; knowing that tribulation worketh patience; And patience, experience; and experience, hope: And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us. For when we were yet without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly. For scarcely for a righteous man will one die: yet peradventure for a good man some would even dare to die. BUT God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were YET sinners, Christ died for us. Much more then, being now justified by his blood, we shall be saved from wrath to through him. For if, when we were enemies, we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, being reconciled, we shall be saved by his life. And not only so, but we also joy in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, by whom we have now received the atonement. Wherefore as by one man sin entered into the world, and death by sin; and so death passed upon all men, for that ALL have sinned....For if  by one man's offence death reigned by one; much more they which receive abundance of grace and of the gift of righteousness shall reign in life by one, Jesus Christ. Therefore as by the offence of one judgment came upon all men to condemnation; even so by the righteousness of one the FREE GIFT came upon all men unto justification of LIFE. For as by one man's disobedience many were made sinners, so by the obedience of one shall many be made righteous. Moreover the law entered that the offence might abound, But where sin abounded, grace did much more abound: That as sin hath reigned unto death, even so might grace reign through righteousness unto eternal life by Jesus Christ our Lord. (Romans 5)"

The Gospel: Jesus died, was buried, and rose again the third day. Forgiveness of sins and eternal life in heaven is found only through faith in the gift that Jesus offers.

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NOT THE GOSPEL: 

The gospel is not found in church membership. Or baptism. Or communion. Or mass. Or good works. Or giving of your money. Or because your parents were Christians. Or by following the law.

There is NOTHING we can do to earn our salvation. 

It is a GIFT. It is not earned. We cannot do enough "good" things to earn our salvation. The work has already been done! Now, true saving faith will be known "by its works"....in other words, our faith is shown by our love and works for God, but only HE can do the work of redemption and forgiveness of sins.

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      The Gospel of Grace In Our Parenting

I'm sure by now you're wondering, Where is she going with all of this?  

Stay with me, cause this is where it gets good. :) These thoughts revolutionalized our parenting and revitalized our relationships with our children.

Many parents give their children a rule (law) to obtain, blame it on the Bible, punish every single infraction of that law, and teach the child to try even harder next time.

Why is this so against the gospel of grace?

Because without the gospel, they will never be more than moral hypocrites, full of righteous pride, yet completely empty inside.

 

You see, if we cannot work hard enough to please God, why are we teaching our children that they should?

 

We are giving them the law--"Work very hard and maybe you will eventually please God and your parents."--instead of the gospel of grace: There is nothing we can DO to earn God's approval. It is ONLY through His power that we can choose righteousness.

We do right because it shows our love for Him and for others, not because it earns His approval or makes Him "happy".

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Why is this so important?

Many children are raised in an atmosphere of perfectionism.

They never measure up to God or their parent's approval.

They spend their childhood frustrated that they are never "good enough"....and these feelings carry into adulthood, causing relationship and spiritual problems.

Perhaps this rings true for you. Maybe you remember all too well the feelings of inadequacy. If you were raised under a harsh, law-filled parenting style, you can vouch for what I'm trying to say. You know what it feels like to think that ADULTS can fail, but children must be perfect.You know the pain of not measuring high enough.

I believe part of the problem is that we make the mistake of teaching our children that they must succeed at being "good" in order to meet the approval of God and man.

The truth is, they will NEVER be truly good. Instead, they will spend their life failing, seeking forgiveness, and trying again. They will need to daily seek power and wisdom from the Holy Spirit, and even then, they will still fail.

The goal, then, is not perfection. It is a right relationship with both us AND God.

With this in mind, it is SO vitally important that we raise our little ones in an atmosphere of grace, second chances, forgiveness, and restoration.

We need to teach our children that they will always fall short of God's perfect standard but that HE finished the work of salvation at the cross, and that His love for us is not altered by our behavior. Our treatment of our children should mimic His.

God wants willing hearts, not perfect actions. We must focus on their hearts, not merely their behavior.

We cannot afford the high price of teaching them a false gospel---their very souls are at stake.

Thank you for sticking with me in this long post. :) My heart longs to offer encouragement to you on your parenting journey. Blessings!

Day 12: Parent, The Teacher, Part 2

(Click HERE to read Part 1 or catch up on the rest of the Grace Parenting Series.)

Last time we talked about why and when we should teach our children.

Today we are going to talk about the practical side of teaching, essentially the what and how we should teach our children.

Parents need to be teaching their children in three areas:

1. Educationally 

It comes naturally for most parents to begin educating their children.

Cows say "moo". Cars go fast. Cake is for eating and dirt is not. Germs make us sick. Spiders bite. Vegetables are good for you.

You get the point. :)

Sometimes as children age, though, parents lose the ability to effectively educate them.

Perhaps it is because of the mindset that it is someone else's job to educate our children. 

(Don't write me off now, because you think I'm just talking about homeschooling. 'Cause I'm not.)

I'm talking about accepting parental responsibility for our children's world view.

And this can be done no matter what "school choice" you choose for your family.

Do you know what your child knows?

Are you filling their world with fairy-tale fluff---monsters hide under beds, fairies take teeth, rabbits bring eggs, frogs turn into princes, magic happens at midnight, witches are friendly, princesses live happily-ever-after, and an old man in a red suit brings all the presents on December 24th---because it's easier than teaching them the truth?

Or are you passionately, on purpose, truthfully educating your children about the world around them and the GOD who made it?

Like any other parenting tool in our box, it takes time to educate our children.

We have to daily choose to teach them, letting it become an effortless part of life.

When you're at the park with your children, you can say, "Wow, you can really run fast! Do you know what the fastest land animal is? It's a cheetah! They can run up to 70 miles an hour, but then they get really tired and need a rest. Where do cheetahs live? That's right---Africa! Africa is a continent. It's one of 7 continents...." and on and on it goes.

When you're driving down the road, you can say, "What's the speed limit on this road? Why does Mommy have to go the speed limit? But what if there are no policemen around? Should Mommy still obey? Yes, Mommy should obey the laws because the laws are there to protect us. What about you---when Mommy can't see you, should you obey?"

When you're bathing your small child, you can say, "Your body is growing and changing every day. God made your body with private places that no one except parents and doctors may look at. If someone ever tries to see your private places, you tell Mommy right away! Say 'NO, that's private!" Continue this gentle, OPEN teaching as your child enters school-age and adolescence. YOU be the one to teach them about their bodies and the changes of puberty, the treasures of marriage, and the importance of staying pure. Don't leave these topics for other adults or peers to teach to your children---Be the teacher yourself!

(For many parents, these topics feel awkward to teach, and the temptation is strong to either avoid the topic or abdicate the teaching responsibility.I can't tell you how many women I've talked to whose parents never taught them anything personal or who are terrified to discuss anything intimate with their own children.)

Who is more invested in your children than YOU are? 

Whose world-view do you want your children embracing?

Who do you want your teenagers talking to when they face the challenges of adolescence? 

If YOU are not their primary teacher, their best friend, and their confidante when they are small, they will not rely on you to help them solve their problems when they are older.

We need to be daily, with purpose, teach our educational world-view to our children.  

2. Emotionally

Parents need to be teaching their children about their emotions and how to handle them.

Some of you just tuned me right out, didn't you? :)

I understand. I used to think teaching children about emotions was "psycho-babble", too. (I think Daddies struggle with this even more than Mommas.)

The Lord slowly worked on my proud heart, teaching me that God created each of us with a full range of emotions....including children...and I was foolish to expect more "perfection" out of my children than I could achieve myself.

Every child (and adult!) feels happy, sad, angry, frustrated, disappointed, jealous, irritable, and just plain out-of-sorts at times.

It is the parents job to teach their children about their emotions and guide them in learning how to control them.

Okay, so how does this look in real day-to-day life?

With little ones (under 5 or so) it may look like scripting: "Gabbey, are you sad because you can't find your baby doll? Yes? Okay, let's find it together." (instead of, "Stop crying and go play!")

Don't just "react"---TEACH. 

It might sound like, "Noah, when the babies climb on your bed, you get angry because you don't want them throwing your stuffed animals. Sometimes Mommy feels angry too! But WE cannot yell or hit people when we feel angry. Would you want a grown-up to hit you when you were bothering them? No. We need to use our nice words and get help when we feel angry. We must still be kind, even when we feel angry." (instead of, "You just hit your brother! You are IN TROUBLE now!"

Or, "Ethan, are you frustrated because that block tower keeps falling down? Mommy will show you a better way to build it." (Scripting his emotions and offering help instead of saying, "Stop whining right now!")

With older children (school-age and up), we do more in-depth teaching about feelings and emotions. We strive to get to the root of their behavior struggles by dealing with the emotions behind them.

I know. I know. You're saying, "Wait a minute! Children should obey just because. I don't care what their 'feelings' are."

Okay. SO, think back to the last time you snapped angrily at your spouse or a friend. Or the last time you overreacted in disciplining your child. Was there a deeper reason behind the sin? Were you "under a lot of stress right now" or dealing with lack of sleep, or angry about something else altogether that just came out on the wrong person at the wrong time? Was it related to your monthly hormonal shift? Or did your husband just lose his job and you have no idea how you're going to pay the bills?

Have you ever apologized to someone (sincerely) and still given them the reason behind your behavior? "Honey, I'm so sorry I reacted wrongly to you. I've had a headache all day, I missed lunch, and I just found out my parents are getting divorced."

You see, we don't PLAN wrong behavior. It comes from the wellspring of our heart. If our heart is struggling with something, it will often play out in wrong actions.

So often, frustrations are building in our child's mind and heart, feelings they are not fully equipped to handle with maturity, so they end up acting out before we see the problem is there. This is when a long Mommy/child or Daddy/child talk is good. Take the child aside privately, gently probe as to the "why" of the behavior, empathize with the child ("Sweetheart, Mommy has struggled with that sin, too!"), then begin the teaching process. Share Scriptural principles for overcoming that particular sin, give personal illustrations from your own life, and empower them with tools to "fight" the wrong behavior the next time. ("Next time you're feeling jealous of your sister, come talk to Mommy about it. I will help you." etc)

Consequences for wrong behavior are sometimes appropriate, and often a helpful part of the teaching and training of our children.

BUT if all we do is hand out consequences and fail to teach and equip our children to process and understand the emotions behind them, we are giving our children only ONE life skill:  Don't get caught or you'll get in trouble.

True obedience flows from a right heart, and a right heart is a continual work-in-action.

For both children AND adults!

No child is going to reach perfection---they WILL continue to sin their entire life. They will get frustrated, angry, jealous, sad, happy, etc forever.

Our job is to teach our children what their emotions are, give them tools to properly handle them, and show them what to do when they miserably fail.

Tomorrow we'll look at the last--and most important!---aspect of teaching our children: We need to be teaching our children Scripturally.

Day 11: Parent--The Teacher, Part 1

(Click HERE to catch up with the rest of this series!)
 

A parent is many things: nurturer, provider, cuddler, dish-washer, cook, snot-keeper, chauffeur, vomit-cleaner, maid, laundry-washer....

Yes, a parent is many things.

But at the heart of it all, a parent is a TEACHER.

Now, teaching comes naturally for some people, but it may not come naturally for you. :) Perhaps you don't even like to teach. You may find it easier to just give your teaching responsibilities to other people: school teachers, daycare workers, church leaders, coaches, music teachers, or even other parents...

Whether you desire to be a teacher or not, God's Word teaches us in Deuteronomy 6 that PARENTS are to be TEACHING their children:

"And thou shalt love the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might. And these words, which I command thee this day, shall be in thine heart: And thou shalt teach them diligently to thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up."

These verses show us three things:

*1.Parents are to be teaching their children what they have already LEARNED.

You cannot teach if you are not an expert in that field. No one would call me and ask me to do a lecture at the local university on Physics because I am clearly not an expert in physics. :)

If you're trying to parent with a "Do as I say, not as I do" attitude, you're setting yourself up for complete failure. The passage in Deuteronomy addresses the parents first for a reason:

You cannot teach what you have not already learned and applied in your own life.

If you do not love the LORD passionately, sacrificially, whole-heartedly, and without hypocrisy (that is, you're not living for yourself all week and then showing up for church on Sunday and faking your relationship with the LORD), you are not fooling your children, and you can not and will not teach them to love the LORD.
You cannot teach what you have not already learned.

If you do not forgive those who have hurt you (no matter how deep the hurt!), love those who have offended you, show mercy on those who gossip about you, and attempt restoration 70 times 7, do not expect your children to forgive others.

You cannot teach what you have not already learned.

If you are selfish by nature, wanting your own way, putting your own needs above all else, and idolizing your "me-time", do not expect your children to think outside of themselves.

You cannot teach what you have not already learned.

If you are harsh with your children and excessively physical in your discipline, do not expect them to be gentle with their siblings. If you expect perfection from them all of the time, do not be surprised when they struggle with forgiving YOU when you fail them. If you are slow to show mercy yet quick to show anger, do not expect them to show anything less to the lost and hurting world around them.

You see, You cannot teach what you have not already learned.

---Often the best parent is the one who daily sits at Jesus' feet and then, like a mother bird feeding her tiny chicks, offers the morsels of righteousness to the children in their care.

Commit to studying, learning, applying, and then TEACHING your children.

*2.Parents should be teaching their children with a purpose: DILIGENTLY.

The passage in Deuteronomy I quoted above says, "teach them DILIGENTLY to thy children", that is, that parents should be teaching their children with a purpose.

If a young person wants to be a nurse, a lawyer, a school teacher, a scientist, a musician, a journalist, etc, that they must get a lengthy, thorough education before even attempting to begin their career.

Yet there is no college degree, no apprenticeship, no thorough education offered for the most difficult (and most important!) job on earth: PARENTHOOD. You can conceive a baby, give birth, and raise it to adulthood without having a single CLUE as to what you're doing. (Sadly, we see the results of half-hearted parenting all around us.)

God's Word teaches us that parents are to be teaching their children diligently.

To be truly diligent at anything takes T.I.M.E. It takes planning. It takes effort, drive, determination, dedication, and some stinkin' HARD WORK!

Have you purposed in your heart to teach your children diligently? Are you willing to put in the T.I.M.E. it takes to do a thorough job at your parenting career? Or have you been struggling to survive whatever stage your child is in, sliding through by the skin of your teeth, hoping the next stage will finally bring some relief?

Commit to teaching your children DILIGENTLY.

*Parents are to be teaching their children OFTEN.

God meant for Godly parenthood to be a full-time career. "...and shalt talk of them (TEACH) when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up."

When you're sitting together, when you're walking together, when you're going to bed at night, and when you're getting up in the morning---You are to be teaching your children OFTEN.

You cannot teach your children often if you do not spend ample time together.

You cannot teach your children often if are too busy with your own career to focus on their needs.

You cannot teach your children often if the television is teaching them for you.

You cannot teach your children often if you're too busy talking on the phone or surfing the Internet.

You cannot teach your children often if they are with their school, their church, their sports, and their friends more than they are WITH YOU.

Commit to teaching your children OFTEN.

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We are to be diligently and frequently teaching our children the things that we have already learned.

Whether you want to be a teacher or not, if you are a parent, you ARE teaching. :)

Tomorrow we'll look at three areas in which parents can--and should--be teaching their children.

Blessings, dear friends. May you find JOY in your parenting journey!
 

 

 

 

 



 

Day 10: Playful Parenting

(Click HERE to read the rest of the Grace-Parenting series!)

 

The more connected we are to GOD, to our spouse, to our family, and to our dearest friends, the more at peace we feel and the better we respond to the pressures of life.

 

This is just a simple fact that is true for all of humanity, even for the youngest of our race. :)

 

Beginning at birth, when a newborn immediately craves its mother's warm and loving embrace, and continuing throughout all of life, we all crave connection with those we love.

 

A connected child feels--and therefore, acts---better.



On Day 3 we talked about the incredible power of touch in parenting.

 

Touch is certainly one of the most important ways to build connection.

 

Today we're going to talk about another way to build that necessary connection with our children:

 

PLAYFUL PARENTING

 

Like it's name suggests, playful parenting is the act of engaging our children in a non-threatening, playful way.

 

Playful parenting can be used not only to connect with your child, but also to encourage obedience and make learning fun.

 

1. Use Playful Parenting to Connect with your Child.

 

Parents naturally play with their little babies.

 

Once children get a little older, some adults find it difficult to relate to their children in a playful manner. (Three hours of Candyland, anyone??)

 

Yet, children are playful little creatures and they LOVE to play with us! Most children would rather play with their Mommy or Daddy than do just about anything else. :)

 

Don't believe me?

 

Stop reading this right now.

 

Go over to your child, get eye-contact, and say, "Mommy has a few minutes of free time and I would like to PLAY with YOU! Do you want to play tag? Hide-and-seek? Have a pillow fight on my bed? Race your cars? Dress up and play tea party?"

 

What is your child's response? Complete, utter delight. :)

 

Children LOVE to play and be played WITH.

 

Often, Mommies are SO busy with the day-to-day necessary tasks of life---the laundry, dishes, cooking, schooling, diaper-changes, cleaning, grocery shopping. etc, etc---that they get too busy to remember to playfully interact with their children!

 

It becomes more about getting through the day and so much less about enjoying the moment.

 

When is the last time you crawled around on the floor, pretending to be a Momma lion chasing after her cubs?

 

When is the last time you had a good-old-fashioned family pillow fight?

 

How long has it been since you've tickled your 10 year old?

 

I'll be very honest and say that this is an area I sometimes struggle with myself. I'm thankful for a husband who thrives in the area of enjoying the moment and who has taught me much about Playful Parenting.

 

For example, I can potty, undress, bathe, dry, and re-dress all three toddlers in about 10 minutes.

 

Brent, on the other hand, takes about an hour to do the same exact job.

 

The difference?

 

He is having fun and I'm just getting it done.

 

He makes a water fountain out of cups, he chases little naked bottoms, he plays hide-and-seek with the towel, and he tickles bellies as he dresses them.

 

We both get bath time "done", but one of is is more connected when it's over.

 

The lesson here is simple: Take the time to connect with your child through playful parenting!

 

2. Use Playful Parenting to Encourage Obedience.

 

As you probably know by now, I believe in teaching and training for obedience.

Not only is obedience important for family structure, it is vital as a life-skill.

Authority will always be a part of our lives. :)

 

Take a minute now, and think back to your favorite childhood teacher---it doesn't have to be a school teacher, it could be a music teacher, a church teacher, a sports coach, any authority you spent time with as a child.

 

Did you strive to do your best for your favorite teacher because they held a big stick over your head and threatened to hit you with it if you did anything less than your very best? Did you love this teacher and do your best for them because they embarrassed you in front of your friends? Did you love this teacher because they spoke to you in a degrading, sarcastic, or disrespectful tone of voice?

 

I think not.

 

My point is this----this adult became your favorite for reasons other than "strict" discipline.

 

YES, structure and rules and following authority are a necessary and important part of all learning.

 

But everyone obeys easier when they feel connected and enjoy being with their authority.

 

The same is true for our precious children. YES, they need to obey us (and hopefully I'm giving you tools to help with teaching them that). But we can make it so much easier on the child if we do our best to make obedience FUN.

 

Here are just a few of the ways you can use Playful Parenting to encourage obedience.

 

*When it's time to pick up a messy room full of toys, instead of barking out, "Everybody clean up this mess RIGHT NOW or else!", try saying  (with a giant smile and an enthusiastic tone) "All right, everyone---we're going to clean up this mess as fast as we can! I bet I can pick up more toys than you can! Ready. Set. GO!" :)

 

*The next time you feel overwhelmed at the mess, the noise, the disobedience, and the chaos that is your life, instead of complaining or yelling, turn on some upbeat music (we use the Maple Leaf Rag, lol) and twirl your little ones around the living room. Jump, tickle, play, laugh, and let the stress melt away as you playfully connect with your children.

 

*If your toddler is starting to fuss or get grumpy, instead of pulling out a discipline tool, break out into a silly song. Having fun is contagious and hard to resist and before you know it, you'll both be smiling. :)

 

*Play "rock, paper, scissors" to decide who gets to pick their favorite chore.

 

*Don't always use the "I mean business" voice. (You know which one I mean.) Instead, use an engaging, sweet, loving, fun tone of voice.

 

*Make up a pretend character for yourself (NO, I will never demonstrate mine to my blog friends, lol. Leave me with some respect, thank you very much. :)) and use her to teach your children. (Or, in my case, make them laugh hysterically.) Change your voice and mannerisms and watch your children light up in excitement. (I use this when I am not succeeding at getting everyone's attention. I slide my glasses down to the tip of my nose and tuck my lips around my teeth to look like an old lady. I always start with, "Listen here, young people...." and my.children.LOVE.it.) Brent's arms turn into "Bubba" and "Zippy" when he plays with our children. :)

 

*When it's time for bed, tell your little ones that you're going to, "Count to three and then the crocodile is going to come eat you!" (In our house, Brent is the crocodile.) :) The children will take off running and laughing, obeying without confrontation.

 

*Make "large" tasks more fun and manageable by racing each other. Examples: Folding laundry, schoolwork, yardwork, cleaning out the family car, picking up legos, etc....

 

Use your imagination and make obedience FUN by connecting to your children through Playful Parenting. 

Day 9: The Outlasting Technique

(Click HERE to read the rest of the Grace-Parenting series.)

The outlasting technique is my version of isolation/time-out/time-in that I use for two reasons:

lack of emotional control or an unwillingness to cooperate.


The first reason we might use this technique is for emotional outbursts. I'm not talking about a small "I don't want to!" response---an immediate re-do will usually work to suffiently gain obedience in that instance.

Sometimes, though, little ones lose control of their emotions, out of frustration, or anger from not getting their own way.

---BABIES and OUTLASTING: 9 to 18 months

At the beginning of a baby's life, WANT equals NEED, so we don't discipline for fussing, crying, or screaming. Babies need a voice to communicate their needs. :)

Around 9 months, however, I begin teaching some emotional control---gently and consistently. When my little ones begin to arch their back and scream to get down, or scream in anger because I'm changing their diaper, etc, I make eye-contact and say "No temper! Shhh."

I will also script their emotions for them, like this: "I know you are upset because you want to play! You may play when Mommy is done. No temper." I may or may not offer a little distraction, like singing a song or tickling their toes to encourage a pleasant mood. :)

Sometimes this is enough to calm the little one down.

Sometimes it isn't. :)

When I sense that my little one is just screaming from an emotional outburst (carefully discern if the little one just needs to nurse or sleep, etc), I will OUTLAST them.

I do this by putting them in their bed and saying, "NO temper. Mommy will pick you up when you stop screaming." and walking out of the room.

I come back in about 1 or 2 minutes (even if they are still screaming), smile at the baby, and say, "Are you ready to obey Mommy now?" I pick them up and repeat, "No temper" if they are still screaming. I comfort and snuggle for a second, helping them gain emotional control if they're ready.

If they continue to scream at that point, I say, "No temper" and put them back in the crib. I repeat the process until the baby calms down willingly and stops screaming. The first couple of times it may take more time, but after that, the little one knows what I want them to do and will either stop screaming the first time I say "No temper!" or shortly after being put in their bed. :)

**A couple of words of caution:

----Some babies need help calming down and do better with an "in-arms" outlasting. This works the same way as the "in bed" technique---you just hold the little one firmly in your arms, quietly repeating "No temper. Shhh." until they stop screaming or "fighting" you.

For many children, however, the "in-arms" makes them MORE angry and they calm down much quicker in their own bed. Out of my three toddlers, two responded wonderfully to the in-bed technique and would calm down on their own and be ready to obey very quickly. The third one (adopted) cannot ever calm down when left alone so we pick her up and hold her while she gains control of her emotions. Use wisdom to not let the situation escalate unnecessarily.

----I do NOT recommend using the "in-bed" technique with newly-adopted children, as your attachment is not established enough for it to be effective and it could seem like abandonment to the child. Wait until they are older and/or home with you longer--or try the "in-arms" or "in the same room" outlasting.

---TODDLERS and OUTLASTING: 18 months to 4 years

Some toddlers still respond well to the "in-bed" outlasting, but because little ones of this age are usually quite mobile, you might find that they don't stay in their bed. (or your child just responds better to being with you.)

In this case, you can use this technique by keeping them close to you, but outlasting the unwanted behavior with some "time-in".  The behaviors I'm talking about include screaming, tantrums, or complete unwillingness to do what they are asked to do. (I usually try a re-do or gentle teaching first, but when it is clear they are not going to obey, I use this technique.)

Let me give you a sample scenario to explain how this technique works:

I tell my toddler to do something and they respond with a whiny voice. I answer back, "We don't talk to Mommy like that. Use your nice words and try that again." Instead, the whining has gotten louder, they have refused the redo and are getting more upset about what I'm wanting them to do. I get on their level (either by bending down or picking them up) and say very firmly, "You may not scream at Mommy. I know you don't want to do X, but you need to stop screaming and obey.right.now. or you will need to sit until you're ready to obey."

If they continue to scream, fuss, etc, I put them down in the same room (either on a chair or on the floor) and calmly (Mommy needs to be in control, too!) say, "Sit here. You may get up when you tell Mommy you are ready to obey." I turn away, giving them some privacy to gain control of their emotions (ever needed to get away from people in order to calm down?), but keeping them in my point of view in case they were to try to get up. I do NOT allow them to get up. :) As soon as they say, "Mommy, I'm ready to obey!", I pick them up. We have hugs and kisses, make sure all is calm, then I repeat the original command. When they have obeyed, I usually ROLE-PLAY the way the situation should have gone. We laugh and smile, and we walk away from the discipline CONNECTED.

**How is this different from a "traditional" time-out?

---It is not a punishment for wrong behavior. It is giving your child time to gain control of their emotions without giving in to their disobedience, teaching that screaming or tantruming is not acceptable.

---There is no "set" amount of time until the outlasting is over. If the child is ready to obey in 10 seconds----great! Consequence is OVER. :) If it takes 10 minutes, that is okay, too.

**Words of Caution:

---Remember that some children need help calming down and it is okay to pick them up and love on them if it helps! If they are not ready to say, "I'm ready to obey, Mommy", I put them back down and repeat the steps.

---If you are at all angry DO NOT USE THIS TECHNIQUE. It is positively useless to try to teach emotional control when you don't have any.

---The goal is not punishment, but restoration. You can show the child that you are not going to give in to the screaming without getting angry. Parental anger is unnecessary with OUTLASTING.

---OLDER CHILDREN and OUTLASTING: 4 and up

By the time most little ones are 4, tantrums or emotional outbursts are rare, especially if they've been futile in the past. :)

"Older" little ones still do occasionally have emotional moments where outlasting is an effective technique, though.

I can give a "real life" example of this as we used the technique this morning with our Noah (he's just turned 6).

Noah came into the kitchen and said, "I'm hungry, Mommy." I told him we were getting ready to leave to go to town, but that he could have a banana. He replied, "I don't care for bananas. I want a granola bar or some goldfish."

I calmly said, "No, Noah, you may not have a different snack this time. You may have a banana or nothing, because we are leaving in just a minute." He said, "But I don't care for bananas!"

I picked him up and put him on the kitchen counter. I calmly said, "Noah, I know you don't care for bananas. They're not your favorite, but we are leaving soon and Mommy wants you to have a healthy snack if you're going to eat. You may have the banana or nothing."

He continued to argue with me. (This is actually not one of my children prone to arguing at all.) Brent came in the room at this point and said, "Noah, you will not argue with Mommy. Go sit on your bed until you're ready to obey." He went. He fussed in his bed for about 5 minutes.

Then Brent and I both went into his room, pulled him on our laps and said, "Buddy, you cannot fuss and argue with Mommy. Bananas are not your favorite, but they are good for you and you need to eat them." Because he was calm and apologetic at this point, we rewarded his efforts with a compromise: "If you eat half of the banana, you may have some goldfish after lunch."

(We don't always offer the compromise, but he truly was hungry and we feel it is important to meet the needs while teaching. :))

We snuggled, he apologized, we role-played how he should have acted, and off he went with a smile.

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Outlasting also works well when a child of most any age is being defiant and just won't listen. It may not mean putting them in a chair or their bed---it may just be the actual act of outlasting that is necessary.

Outlast (which means don't give in until the child is ready to obey) the following behaviors:

--Refusal to clean or do a job. (Often I will offer help but a grumpy child will need to finish the job alone.)

--Refusal to finish schoolwork. (Again, I will offer help if it is asked for respectfully.)

--Open, repeated refusal to apologize to a brother wronged, or use respectful words. (I start with a re-do, but open refusal is outlasted.)

The child's entire world comes to a halt until they are ready to obey. I don't mind waiting---and nothing fun will happen until they obey. :)

Sometimes an older child will earn further consequences for prolonged defiance. (Post on "creative consequences" coming soon!)

**Outlasting is a wonderful technique for training and discipling an older adopted child. It often looks like a "time-in" in the sense that the child is in "control" of when the discipline is over---all they have to do is say, "I'm ready to obey."

I hesitated at first to use this with Johanna, but she responds WONDERFULLY to this technique! She can be openly defiant, but when I make her sit until she's "ready to obey" she will almost always say, "I'm ready!" within a minute or two. These children often have no concept of discipline and haven't ever been "made" to comply without manipulating, lying, screaming, etc to get out of it. Outlasting the negative behavior (along with reasonable compromises, constant re-dos, extensive role-playing, and lots of nurturing!) goes a long way in teaching them that they need to listen and obey.

I can't tell you how many times I've had to outlast Johanna, right from the very beginning. I might say, "Tell Ellie you're sorry." and she would shake her head, NO. I would repeat it. Over and over. I'd sit right next to her and not let her do anything else until she apologized. Rinse. Repeat. Redo. I'm happy to say that saying "I'm sorry!" comes completely natural to her now, but boy, did it take some serious work in the beginning, lol.

Outlasting is the process of waiting for the child to yield.

It is a highly effective way to teach even small children that manipulative crying, screaming, or defiance are not profittable.

It is, however, completely useless if the parent is angry, frustrated, sarcastic, demeaning, or out-of-control.

(Remember---Outlasting is only ONE tool in your parenting toolbox. It is not the ONLY tool. :) Don't overuse it, and don't reach for it when a simpler response is appropiate.)

Blessings to you, dear friends, on this beautiful parenting journey. :)

Day 8: The Consistency Factor and "Get Up" Parenting

(Click HERE if you've missed any of the other posts in the 30 Days of Grace Parenting Tips series.)

If parents have a toolbox FULL of helpful parenting tips, ideas, truths, and strategies, but fail to be consistent in getting up and making them happen, it's worse than having an empty toolbox!

Children are overwhelmed, frustrated, and downright confused by inconsistent parenting.

Say What You Mean.

Think carefully before you speak a command to your children. If you will not (or can not) follow through completely, do not give the instruction. Do not give quick commands or respond with angry consequences that you have to later retract when more time has passed and you're thinking more rationally. Instead, think carefully before you speak and make your instructions very clear.

Mean What You Say.

Now that you've given an age-appropiate command to one of your children, prepare to get up and make it happen if necessary. It's not "cute" when little ones ignore their parents, run the other way, throw themselves down on the floor in anger, defiantly say "NO!", or do anything besides obey the instruction given to them.

Once you've given clear direction to your child, don't excuse their disobedience. They're not "tired", "hungry","didn't sleep well three nights ago", "not feeling well", "grumpy", "in a phase", "cutting teeth", etc, etc--they're disobeying! (Of course, these things DO play into how a child is feeling, and a wise parent will not expect quite as much if they sense the little one is more needy. But a reasonable, simple command should still be followed.)

Take the time (and it does take time) to stop whatever you are doing and help the obedience happen.

I am not advocating for harsh treatment of little ones---quite the contrary---so let me be very clear:

You can gain sweet obedience by using many of the gentle techniques I'm sharing in this series---but none of them will work if you are not consistent.

What I am saying is this: If you have no intention of helping the obedience happen after the request is made, then DO NOT GIVE THE INSTRUCTION. And once you have given the instruction, make sure it happens.

It is quite entertaining to go to play areas at fast-food restaurants and watch parents try to get their children to leave when it's time to go. They beg, they plead, they bribe ("do you want ICE CREAM?"), they get angry, they wait, they threaten to take away their birthday presents, they tell them that Santa won't come to their house.....the list goes on and on and on.

The problem isn't an unusually stubborn child.

The problem lies with an inconsistent parent.

All children will misbehave at times, but if in general, your child will not listen to you...

Check your consistency factor.

Are you giving reasonable requests, taking into consideration the child's age, maturity, hunger, etc?

Are you making sure your child is looking at you and hearing you clearly?

Are you getting up and immediately helping the obedience happen?

If a consequence is appropiate, did you communicate and teach that beforehand so the child knows what to expect?

Are you changing consequences on a whim because you're too lazy to be consistent?

If your child KNOWS that you will consistently stop what you are doing in order to follow through with whatever you asked your child to do, THEY WILL LISTEN when you speak. :)

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Don't sit around on your backside, lazily, haphazardly giving commands and expecting them to happen.

Get.Up.And.Help.It.Happen.

Here's a list of "action" commands that work wonderfully with "Get Up" parenting:

Come to Mommy, Go to Daddy, Stay in your seat, Sit down on your bottom, Put down the markers, Turn off the T.V., Put on your seatbelt, No feet on the couch, Drinks stay on the table, Stay on your blanket, Pick up your toys, Stay in your bed, Put your head down on Mommy's shoulder (for training a younger baby), Do not climb on the table, Sit down in the bathtub, etc, etc, etc

These are action commands because they are not in any way relative----you can say it once, and then get up and help it happen immediately.

(I have another technique for some of the more relative commands.)

Just a note---with little children under about 2, most of the time I say the active command AND help it happen simultaneously. I will say, "Johnny, sit down for snack time." while sitting him down on his bottom. Or I will say "Sarah, it's time for naptime." while laying her down in her bed. You can say, "Michael, go to Daddy!" while holding his hand and walking him over to Daddy, or "Jane, pick up your toys." while handing the toy to her to drop in the toy box. In this way, you are actively reinforcing your commands with the obedience. It is non-threatening, and little ones learn to obey your words because they have always had to. :)

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Just for fun, let's go back to the restaurant scenario. I'll share how I handle this situation. :)

First, teach, train, and disciple.

Before you get out of the car to go into the restaurant, get eye-contact with your little ones and explain your expectations clearly.

"We are going to eat all of our food before we play in the play-area. Then you can play and have fun! You may NOT hit any of the other children that are playing, even if they are not being nice to you. Tell Mommy if they are not kind and I will help you. If you hit anyone, you will be all done playing. Now, when it is time to go home, I will call you. What do you need to say to Mommy when I call you?"

"Yes, Ma'am!"

"That's right! When we get into the van, I have gum for everyone who listens and obeys. If you do not obey Mommy, when we get home you will have to stay in the kitchen with me while the other children watch a video. But I know you are all going to obey! So let's go have fun!"

When it is time to go home, give a 2 minute warning to the children.

Then announce that it is time to go home. I usually say, "Bergey Bunch, it's time to load up!" ;)

Praise each child that comes quickly. Once they are all buckled into the car, give a treat to each child that obeyed. Follow through with a consequence for any child that did not come.

NOW, even with all of these steps, some little ones will not want to stop playing. Especially 1, 2, and sometimes even 3 year olds. If you already know your little one will probably not come when you call them out of the play area, DO NOT CALL THEM.

Why? Because you shouldn't give a command unless you can and will follow through with it! If you don't plan on climbing up the slide to pull them out of the play area, don't even give the command. :))

Instead, when it is time to go, watch for your little one to down from the play area. Calmly and quietly walk over to them and, with a hand on them, say quietly in their ear, "Little buddy, it's time to go home now. Let's get your shoes on!" and see if they will willingly come. If they start to fuss or run, you are within arms' reach to follow through with getting them to the car. You are still teaching them that you mean what you say and that when you say it's time to leave, it really IS time to leave. :)

If there are any obedience issues, go home and ROLE-PLAY over and over again, until you are ready to go back to the play area and try again. :)

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The key is to be completely consistent---Say What You Mean, Mean What You Say, and Get Up and Help It Happen.

Every day.

All the time.

Both parents.

Even when you're tired.

Especially when you're on the Internet.

And when you're talking on the phone.

And even when you have followed through for the 100th time today---do it one more time! :)

Be consistent always.

Tomorrow I'm hoping to share "The Outlasting Technique" with you. It's very helpful when "Get Up"approach isn't appropriate or doesn't work. :)

Blessings, dear friends, on your parenting journey!

Day 7: The Toolbox Approach

(Click HERE to read the entire 30 Days of Grace Parenting Tips series!)

There is no "one-size-fits-all" tool for successful parenting. (If there was, somebody would get rich quick on that book!)

Even the "best" parenting opinions have exceptions, unusual circumstances, or unique problems to take into consideration. :)

For example, you might say that breastfeeding is "always BEST" until you are talking to a woman with breast cancer who had a double mastectomy.

Maybe you're completely anti-vaccines until you adopt a child with a contagious infectious disease and need to protect your other children.

Co-sleeping may be the "only" way for some (I prefer it myself.) but co-sleeping with triplets is pretty.much.impossible. LOL. (I should know!)

Now, we live in a "quick fix" society--We want to push a button and have a machine give us a solution NOW!!

So not only do we like the "one-size-fits-all" solution----WE ALSO WANT IT NOW.

How does all of this relate to Grace Parenting?

The law is black and white. All absolutes. "Break" this law, and you face "this" consequence. It is a "one-size-fits-all", quick fix to problems.

GRACE looks to change behavior by reaching the heart.

Most "Christian" parenting books offer a "this will work for all children" solution to parenting dilemmas. This appeals to desperate parents looking for that "quick fix".

I remember reading one such book when I was pregnant with Ellie. It described the typical toddler tantrum, gave a solution---and then promised that if you followed their "method", you would NEVER see a tantrum again.

I was hooked. I followed their method. I was one-hundred percent consistent.

And I'm here to tell you that 12 years of parenting later---I'm still occasionally dealing with a typical toddler tantrum! :)

I'll say it again---There is NO "one-size-fits-all" tool for successful parenting!

With this thought in mind, we have a Toolbox Approach to parenting our children.

(I'm excited to share that Brent has a couple of guest posts planned for this series---one dealing with the "toolbox"---as we thought it would be helpful to get a man/father's perspective on Grace Parenting.)

Anyway, we don't have ONE go-to technique that works perfectly with every child every time. This is because each child is a unique blend of personality, strengths, and weaknesses. They respond differently to the same discipline.

A wise parent (especially with more than one child) will quickly realize that children are indeed unique---even if born to the same two parents and raised the exact same way!

The firstborn in a family has different struggles than the baby of the family does.

Boys are wired completely different than girls.

Some children clam up under stress, bottling their feelings deep within them.

Still others will wear their feelings on their shirtsleeves, expressing themselves a little too well at times. :)

If you approach each discipline situation with a "quick fix" mentality, you will not be reaching the heart of your child.

If you parent with a "one-size-fits-all" mentality (parenting each child the exact same way), you will not be reaching the heart of that individual child.

It is best to learn each child's learning style, natural bent, motivators, and nature, and tailor your toolbox accordingly.

As we work our way through the remainder of this series, I'll be offering more ideas for your parenting Toolbox.

Each technique may or may not be the most effective disciplining tool for each child.

Just because it works for me doesn't mean it's best for you.

I have found, however, that as my toolbox of parenting strategies grows, the easier it becomes to quickly find the "right" solution for the daily situations I'm faced with. :)

Take an honest look at your toolbox today.

Have you gotten lazy and neglected to add enough tools to be successful at training your little ones?

Are you overwhelmed and scrambling along through your journey with an empty toolbox?

Perhaps you've been resorting to only using ONE tool.

I've faced all of these problems, too. :)

My goal now is to have a toolbox full of strategies, ideas, connecting methods, discipline techniques, teaching tips, Biblical truths, and character building thoughts.

Blessings, dear mothers, as you seek to fill your toolbox in a way that brings glory to the Lord and GRACE to your home.