Our ninth child and opening up the blog again...

I closed this blog down a few months ago. I found an online attack on me and my family, and truthfully, I just wanted to hide. Maybe that's silly. I don't know. I just know that it hurt so badly to have total strangers judging the situation with Johanna...especially when they didn't even know her whole story.

Regardless, I'm a better place now. I've talked in length with Johanna, and she's very comfortable with sharing parts of her story that encourage other families through older child adoption, so I'm reopening this blog. I've removed a couple of posts regarding her time in residential care, for her own privacy's sake. If you've found this blog because you're looking for older child adoption resources or help, please email me here. I'd love to chat with you.

Remember, I blog more frequently at Perspectives in Parenting--my little spot on the net to talk about Grace, Connection, and Jesus in our parenting.

The biggest news for our family is the recent addition of our ninth child. Andrew joined our family through a disruption situation, and you can read part one and part two of his story here.

We moved into a missions house in March, and will be moving to South Africa in April! Our hearts are already there and we can't wait to begin the next phase of our ministry soon. Sometimes it seems like a dream--moving to Africa, working with orphans.

Brent and I celebrated 18 years of marriage in June. That seems like a really long time. Not in a bad way, just in a wow-it-still-feels-like-yesterday kind of way. He's helped me become a better person and I'm thankful for his love and laughter every single day.

It feels nice to hit "publish" again. :)

Blessings,

Selina

Family Update

I blogged on our ministry blog this week. You can find a recap of ALL of 2014 and LOTS of pictures of our family and our survey trip over there!

Click Here for Little Fish Ministries Blog!

Parenting with Grace: 30 Days of Practical Tips

I've had alot of requests for specific, practical grace-parenting tips.

I wish I had all of the answers to the questions I receive.

Of course, I do not. :)

Yet my heart is so tender towards mothers, young mothers in particular.

I remember my desperate cries for help when my first two children were small.

I sought advice from numerous older women.

The Bible is clear in Titus 2 who should be teaching the young women:

"The aged women likewise....that they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed."

Now, I don't consider myself old just yet. :)

But often, if young mothers ask true "older" mothers (whose children are grown) for practical parenting advice, they find the older mother has forgotten much of the early years. A rote response of, "Well, we prayed alot" or, "I would never let my child do that!" without being followed up with practical, hands-on help has discouraged many young mothers, myself included.

Obviously we need to bathe our children in prayer. And of course, your child would never do that. :)

But what young mothers really want to know is "How do I get my children to listen to me? What about tantrums and lying, rude body noises and tattling, sibling rivalry and backtalk? What do I do when they hit another child? How do I teach them the Gospel? How do I get them to crawl out of the McDonald's play area when I call them? What if both parents aren't on the same page? What about bedtime battles and anger? How do I get them to show empathy and respect to others? What about mealtime battles?"

They are craving practical, inspiring ideas they can implement in their own situation.

So while I definitely don't have ALL the answers, I am not so "old" that I'm far removed from the early years. I haven't forgotten "what works" because I'm still up-to-my-eyeballs in raising my children.

In fact, I am right in the trenches with you. :) 

I've spent way too much  alot of time over the past 15 years researching and applying various parenting philosophies and practical ideas.

When I try to compile some of my thoughts into one blog post, it quickly becomes WAY. too. long. (I know, I know, my wordiness is no shock. lol)

Instead of one mind-boggling, ridiculously long blog post,  I'm going to split the practical tips into

30 Days of Practical Tips for Parenting with Grace

with one specific topic addressed daily.

I don't usually blog every day but I feel this will be the most effective way to share.

Check back often (or follow my blog for instant updates)! 

Surrender

I have been praying for some time that the Lord would give me a word for this year.

I love it when I'm praying and I hear Him so clearly. That still small voice. The sweet fellowship back and forth with my Lord.

Sometimes the answer comes easily, quickly. Sometimes He wants us to persue Him over and over again until He releases the answer.

Either way, it is beautiful communion with the God of Heaven, the Savior and Lover of my soul.

Last week, He gave me this word:

SURRENDER.

At first, I was confused.

I thought I had already surrendered to His will and way.

Why then, the word surrender?

The answer came in Romans 12.

"I beseech ye therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies.....

A LIVING SACRIFICE....."

Surrender to God is not just a one-time deal.

Yes, on the day I gave my life to Jesus Christ, I surrendered my will to His.

I became His child and His servant.

But surrender must be a daily act of laying my life on the altar.

"A living sacrifice". Alive in Christ, yet dead to myself.

Surrender means dying to my wants and meeting the needs of another instead.

In "momma terms", it means cleaning up the vomit with a smile.

Holding the raging child without getting angry.

Getting less sleep because the laundry isn't fininshed.

Staying calm and patient in the chaos.

Taking the time to train my children and pour my life into meeting their needs (when sometimes I'd rather just.be.lazy).

Following my husbands leadership, even when I love to "take charge".

Forgiving those who have hurt me, not because it's easy but because I'm DEAD anyway. (Ever notice how dead people don't get offended?)

This year, I'm going to focus more on full Surrender to the Lord and His daily plan for my life.

What are some of YOUR goals for 2013?

Do you have a special word or thought you're meditating on this year?

I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments below!

Busy Busy

Today was a busy, busy day.

I rose early and woke the children.

I made and cleaned up three meals for my family.

I cleaned several rooms, kissed several boo-boos, worked on several "behaviors" with several children.

I homeschooled four children math, language, science, geography, Bible, violin and piano. Whew! :)

I babysat three of my friend Angela's children for half of the day. (Yes, that made the ratio of adults to children in the house 1:10.)

I worked on the computer for 2 hours, getting some much-needed projects completed.

I ran 3 miles in 32 minutes with my hubby.

I brushed 5 sets of teeth and put 7 exhausted, albeit happy, children to bed.

I sat down to blog, and I'm so exhausted that this is the best I can come up with. :)

Goodnight, dear friends. Tomorrow, snuggle your children, appreciate and respect your husband, worship your Maker, and have a blessed day!

A little of this and a little of that.....

Every so often, when I download pictures from my camera's memory card, I find a handful of pictures I did not take. :) Nathaniel, it turns out, took the above picture. He caught me in a position I find myself often these days: face-to-face, working through a problem with a child, Johanna in this case. While I normally don't keep the pictures Nathaniel captures on my camera, I wouldn't have thought to take this picture and I'm glad I have it now.

A friend asked me about adopting out of birth order, essentially, what's the big deal? I've put alot of thought into what I think of the answer to that question---and it will be a blog post all its own when I'm done putting my feelings into words----but I will say this:

 Parenting is work. Adopted parenting is hard work. Adopted out-of-birth-order parenting is very hard work.

Like any good, hard work, the rewards are great. Dr. Purvis calls the rewards "pay dirt". I call them blessings. Tonight, when Johanna shared a blessing at the dinner table, she said, "I'm so thankful for Daddy and Mommy giving me a family who loves me." Call it what you will, pay dirt or blessings---either way, the rewards make the very hard work WORTHWHILE.

But, the season we're in, especially with Johanna, is very draining. I wake up every morning and try to embrace the challenges that come my way throughout the day. Some days I'm more successful than others, lol.

In other news, Brent starts a new job on Monday. We're all very excited for him as he's been hoping and praying for a new job for about a year!

I'm getting very excited about starting our new school year. We take off school in the spring and head "back to school" in the summer when it gets hot outside. We're going to be switching to My Father's World curriculum this year and I CAN'T WAIT to start back to a school schedule. So much of last year was simply survival mode.....this year, I hope to get much more accomplished. (Well, that's a bit vague, as we did accomplish alot this past year, just not as much "school" as usual, given the extra challenges we experienced.)

Last weekend, we volunteered at the local Special Olympics---so much fun!---and spent the remainder of Friday and all day Saturday at our state's Homeschool Conference. Some years, we try to get a babysitter so Brent and I can attend the workshops offered, then other years, we take all of the children so they can "experience" the fun of the conference. This was a take all of the children year. :) They did amazingly well for two super long days, and we all had a blast and arrived home exhausted (and with bags and bags of new books!)

Tomorrow, I'm going to post Part 4 of the Finding Joy in Motherhood Series. Then I'm hoping to tackle some more of YOUR questions from the Game Time post. And I've redone the girls' room and need to add that to the Home Tour. Oh, and I made the most fabulous cinnamon rolls and wanted to share the recipe with you all.

So, keep checking back (or follow my blog to receive updates!) and I'll chat with you all again soon!

Q & A, Part 2, Your Questions Answered

(If you're just joining us, scroll down or click HERE to read about the GAME we're playing, see the wonderful comments and questions from my readers AND to leave a comment of your own! The more comments, the more questions I'll answer!)


First, let me say that ya'll have given me SO many great questions! I think I'll be working my way through these for weeks, lol.

HOW DID YOU AFFORD SO MANY ADOPTIONS SO QUICKLY?

What a fabulous question! Let me start by saying that we are not wealthy---by any means! :) Since the birth of our first child, we have lived off of Brent's income alone. When we look at our income next to the cost of our three adoptions----well, the two columns just shouldn't line up!

But God is so good. Isn't He? :)

With Gabbey, our first adoption, we used all of our tax return for the beginning fees (HS, agency fees, etc). Then we used Brent's 401K for most of the rest of the fees. Her adoption ended up being far more expensive than the other two, in part because more people traveled, but mostly because we chose a cheaper agency the second time around. The $13,000 tax credit from Gabbeys' adoption and the $5,000 employer reimbursement per adoption (we recieved a total of $15,000) were then used towards Lyssie and Johanna's adoptions.

We did receive three grants and three loans (one loan from an adoption company and two loans from our parents) for the second two adoptions. Once we recieve our final tax refund (which, ahem, could be tomorrow or six months from now, depending on the IRS) we will have paid off EVERYTHING and be completely debt free again (with the exception of our 15 passenger van and our home). This is a huge blessing, because, while we certainly would be willing to make payments for years in order to bring our girls home, we have always strived to live as debt-free as possible.

I highly recommend researching ABBA FUND, LIFESONG , JSC FOUNDATION, SHOW HOPE, and A CHILD WAITS FOUNDATION if the Lord has laid adoption on your heart and you don't have 20 or 30 thousand dollars collecting dust in the bank. LOL. I personally know families that have received anywhere from $3,000 to $20,000 in grant monies from these organizations.

Aside from having a yard sale, one dear couple in our church giving us the money for a plane ticket, and my sister giving us a check, we did not recieve any money from our church, family, or friends. I do know many, many families who are able to raise much of the necessary money through these outlets, though. We did cut out many "extras" for the two years we were needing so much extra cash for our adoptions.

Which leads me to the next question.....

HOW DO YOU AFFORD  FAMILY VACATIONS?

Our family LOVES to go on vacations (or weekend trips, overnight get-aways, or day excursions). Basically, we love to pile in our van and GO! (We even have a family song we wrote about such trips....but I digress.)

Due to the high cost of the adoptions, we didn't take a true family vacation the past two years. (We did go to Family Camp last summer, but it was very reasonably priced AND we had booked it before we decided to adopt Johanna so the money was already spent at that point.)

My sweet hubby works in Business Sales. Which means he's using technology ALL THE TIME. Cell-phones, laptop, email. It's his life during the work week. So he plans time to unplug and spend quality time with our family.

As far as actually affording the vacations, well, maybe I can get Brent to write a post about this topic. Bartering, bargain-shopping, researching vacation spots, and getting the very best deals around are his specialty. I'll let him share more about that since he's the vacation planner and I'm the wash and then pack everything we own---and then some---into our van girl. :)

HAVE YOU EVER HAD FAMILY MEMBERS OPPOSE YOUR ADOPTIONS?

No.

Our extended famlies---even the ones who we might not be "intimately close" with---have all been supportive of our choice to adopt and our girls.

That being said, they did all know that we were really crazy about children and wanted a whole bunch. So I don't think our adoption decisions came as a big shock. :)

We have faced some negativity, but not from our family. Some people just feel the need to comment on your decisions or family size. While there is certainly wisdom in counsel (if everyone you know is saying DON'T, maybe they're right?), there will be naysayers in any major decision you make as a family.

I don't know how to say this gently, so I'm just going to say it: We don't ask permission of ANYONE  before making a biological baby, and we don't need their permission to adopt one, either. If a husband and wife have taken their family size/adoption choice before the LORD and HE has given them clear direction, then it doesn't matter what people think or say, does it? Obey God. :)

Family size is clearly a GOD/HUSBAND/WIFE decision.

IS THERE ANY REASON YOU'VE ADOPTED ALL GIRLS?

When we first started the adoption process in January of 2010, we had one girl and three precious rambunctious boys. :) Eliana had prayed for a sister for years. We obviously requested to be matched with a girl.

We reviewed about 10 files when we were ready to adopt the second time. Both boys and girls, with various special needs. I told the agency that we were hoping for a boy or girl a year or two OLDER than our two babies (who were not yet 2 at the time).

The last file we viewed was Alyssia. Our agency mis-read her information and told me she was almost 3 years old. Perfect in my mind! :) We started to fall in love and then we re-read through the fine print and realized she was another 2009 baby! I vividly remember sitting on the couch with Brent, gazing at Alyssia's picture, asking each other----can we really do THREE babies the same age?

Well, you all know what the answer was. She was ours. And OH MY we haven't regretted that decision for even a milisecond. (Okay, so there have been days like THIS ONE where I thought the virtual toddlers were going to get the better of me. :))

Johanna came about very unexpectedly, and her story is told in part HERE.

So there is no partiality for girls in our home....it's just worked out that we've adopted three of them. If we are blessed to be able to adopt again, we will more than likely bring home a boy (or two!). :)


Enough for tonight, friends. I'm getting tired. :) But keep the questions coming and I'll do my very best to answer them to the best of my ability. And thanks for reading and sharing in our story.

Q & A, Part 1: Your Questions Answered

Wow. We're already over 30 comments in THIS POST. It's been so much fun getting to know my readers better!

I promised I'd answer at least ONE question for every 10 comments---and ya'll haven't disappointed me! Some of the questions will require their own individual post, so I'll start with some of the "shorter" answers.

DO YOU MENU PLAN?

Yes and no. :) I plan for what meals I'm going to make each week. But I don't pick which day I'm going to make each meal. My days are often unpredictable right now, so I pick which meal fits best with how our day is going. I do plan for an easy dinner on church days and Thursday (violin lessons).

ARE YOU PLANNING ANY MORE ADDITIONS?

Great question. :)

Definitely YES! We love children and would always welcome more.

Right now, we are praying that the Lord will bless us with another biological baby. Our children pray more for a baby brother/sister than anything else! :)

Regardless of whether we are blessed in that way or not, we want to adopt again. Our hearts will always be in China, but we're actually hoping to bring home one or two boys from Africa.

Bonding as a family is going well, but we need some time in-between adoptions, to allow our children time to adjust, so we're not beginning another adoption just yet.

IF YOU HAVE AN EASILY DISTRACTED CHILD, HOW DO YOU KEEP HIS/HER ATTENTION ON SCHOOLWORK-HOW DO YOU MOTIVATE A CHILD WHO HASN'T FOUND THEIR INNER MOTIVATION YET?

Be creative. Not every child learns the same way or enjoys the same curriculum. Find what works for your child.

Don't require unnecessary busywork. Enough said. :)

Do school at their optimal learning time. For some children, this is mid-morning, for others, it is mid-afternoon.

Do schoolwork in short, intense bursts. Nathaniel (7) is motivated to do more when he knows he can go play in 30 minutes.

Reward small accomplishments. I keep a bag of small candy (jelly beans, skittles, or m&m's) for school rewards. The younger children receive one piece of candy for each page completed. This visual reminder and tangible reward have motivated even my most reluctant learners.

Feed them brain food, not junk. Pop-tarts don't feed your child's brain like healthier foods do. I find a high-protein snack (we like almonds, peanuts, cheese, or yogurt with fruit and granola) in the middle of school helps our children focus better and longer.

Be flexible. One of the greatest advantages to homeschooling is that if the child isn't "getting it", you can come back to it later.

Remember, you're the boss. :) After you've been creative, cut out the unnecessary busywork, fed their brains, and rewarded their accomplishments---sometimes they just have to do the work whether they like it or not. Evaluate whether the reluctant learner is immature or rebellious. One needs grace and TIME, the other needs a firm authority that says "You must do your work because Mommy told you to do it." :)

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That's all I have time for this morning. Keep the comments and questions coming, and I'll do my best to answer them all.

Remember, I'll answer at least ONE question for every 10 comments!

Game Time!!!!

I need your help.

You know, YOU, my readers.

While I don't know who all of you are, I do know how many hits I'm getting. Alot more than the comments I get.

Of course, alot of you don't take the time to comment. Or maybe you disagree with a post. Or maybe my writing just plain stinks sometimes. I'm good with that.

But just this once, will you come out of hiding, post a comment, and play along?

JUST THIS ONCE?

You can go back into hiding after today, if you like. :)

Okay. I have 3 questions. That's right, only THREE!

1. What brought you to my blog? (link, google, FB, etc)
2. What do you most enjoy reading about on my blog? (adoption, parenting, pictures, toddler stuff, etc) Be as specific if you can!
3. What is one thing you'd like to know about me or my family? Here's your chance to ask anything you're curious to know about the Bergey Bunch!

You can introduce yourself---I'd love that!---or just answer the questions. Your choice.

Here's how the game works---every time I get TEN answers to these questions, I'll blog an answer to one (or more!) of your questions. So, the more people who post comments, the more blog posts you'll see from me this week. :)

I would SO love to meet the faithful readers who take time out of their busy lives to read my ramblings and about our family. I'm also looking to see exactly what people are coming here for, so I can spend my time more wisely in blogging.

Lastly, I just think it will be FUN!

Ready to play?

Blog changes

I've been working behind-the-scenes on my blog layout.

I confess: I know NOTHING um, very little about blog design. :)

Trial and error are my trusty tools, lol.

Please be patient if you come here and everything is out of place for a couple of days!

Blogging Again!

First, my apologies to those who check in here at The Bergey Bunch regularly and expect a new post every now and then more often than once a month.

Second, my heartfelt Thank You to those who have commented publicly or emailed privately to inquire about our family. I wish I could say more than just Thank You, but sometimes there just aren't adequate words to say how I feel.

As most of you know, our family has grown alot this year. Well, obviously we've grown numerically....but we've also grown in different ways.

Our children are learning to love, accept, teach and bond with a new older sister and two younger sisters.

Our newly adopted children are learning to accept love and boundaries from a family unit.

Daddy and Mommy are learning to not only follow God when it's easy, but to follow Him when it's hard. Learning to step out into the water like Peter, knowing that HE is asking you to do so, and trusting that HE will be with you every little baby step of the way.

And while I'm spending so much of my time teaching, teaching, teaching these seven beautiful, precious souls entrusted to my care, I'm learning an important fact:

----God is using these little ones to TEACH ME.---

Sometimes the lessons are exciting, wonderful, and encouraging.

Other times, the lessons are painful, humiliating, and just. plain. hard.

I'm SO excited to share some of the lessons He's been taking me through. Unfortunately, I know myself well enough to know that it would take way too long to share in one post. :)

So, instead of one ridiculously long post, I'm going to jump--with both feet!--back into the blogging water (figuratively speaking, of course!).

I'll even throw in some of our amazing Christmas memories from our girls' first Christmas with us, jump back into my Toddler Training Series, and do a SIX MONTHS in America post on our lovely Johanna. :)

See you all soon! :)

The Blog

Messing around with the layout of my blog a bit.

Trying out a new header, one that I think will work until we get a new family picture (a monumental feat these days! :))

Wondering if anyone knows how to categorize my posts and label them? I haven't got a clue how to do this.

I'd like to start a series and have several topics in mind. If you have a second (and an opinion) would you let me know which series interests you the most?

Attaching with toddler adoption/Attaching with teen adoption/Why International Adoption/How to start the process for international adoption/Disciplining Toddlers

Thanks and good-night all! :)