10 Things You Wish You Knew About Adopting An Older Child

1. You will fall in love with a picture and a child a world away, and you will lay awake at night, thinking of this child and wondering about the days, months, years that you have missed. You'll wonder if you will ever truly be "Mommy" and if your love will fill the void of an empty heart. An ache will fill you down deep in your soul and it will become your necessary strength for this journey.

2. You will try to share this crazy, incredible adoption experience with your closest friends and loved ones and find their blank stares and "Are you completely crazy?" comments unnerving. They won't get it, and that's okay, because you know in your soul that you are this child's mother and you will give up trying to explain it to everyone.

3. Your "Gotcha Day" might not be filled with cute pictures you can't wait to post on the internet of  you and your new child. In fact, the hand-over will be quick, the paperwork a blur, the guide will pat your back and say, "See you tomorrow!" and you will find yourself in a quiet hotel room, alone, with a child whom you loved from afar but cannot even begin to communicate with. The newness and shock will wear off within a day or two and then reality will set in, for both you AND your child, and your world will start spinning with thoughts of "what have we done?" and "can we DO this?" and their world will be spinning with thoughts of "I'm scared!" and "I want to go back to the orphanage!" and even if you know this is for the very best you will both be struggling under the weight of the UNKNOWN yet to come. You will lie awake at night with a stranger in the room and hope you haven't just made the biggest mistake of your life. You will long for your other children, for home, for sights, smells, and sounds that are familiar---knowing all the while your child is losing exactly what you miss.

4. You will get home and things will settle down a bit. You still can't communicate much, but charades and Google Translate and baby talk will work for a while. The jet lag will just about kill you, but once that wears off, the honeymoon will begin. Your husband and other children, your friends, and your family will lavish attention on the new child, and you will breathe a sigh of relief. This may actually work after all! The smiles, the giggles, the joyful, abandoned way your child embraces new experiences will delight you and encourage you. You will stress over schoolwork and foods for awhile, then shortly come to the realization that there are far more important things to be learned.

5. You will be shocked by this child's immaturity. No matter how old their paperwork says they are, in reality they are more like a toddler. So you have to start with toddler basics---things like: sit quietly at the table, don't wipe your snot on your shirt, don't throw yourself on the floor when I tell you "no". And you will begin the long process of repeating yourself, daily. Some new behaviors will be learned quickly---but other ones will take every.last.drop. of energy you ever possessed. You will have to teach your child how to snuggle, how to seek comfort, how to need people, how to read their body signals, how to do just about every last thing. You will cease to stress over schoolwork and such and will learn to appreciate little victories---like the first time you take your child to the store and they don't crawl under the clothing racks or run around in loud circles. Or the first time they fall and get hurt and run TO you instead of AWAY from you. You'll capture the first unsolicited kiss or hug and the first "I love you" and keep the memory and sweetness of it tucked away for the next exhausting day.

6. The honeymoon will eventually wear off completely, and your child will begin to grieve and rage heavily. The immensity of the loss ("Why my China mommy not keep me? Why you not adopt me when I a baby??? Why I not see my friends in China anymore?") combined with the inability to process their feelings in a healthy way---and the language barrier---will send the child almost completely over the edge. The mourning process may be quick but it may be lengthy and you will be dealing with hours and hours of crying, screaming, raging, defiance, or running away. This child who never learned to obey will defy you at every turn. You will need to help this child all.day.long. yet will feel the guilt of not being able to meet the needs of everyone who needs you simultaneously. The new child "needs" the most so the other family members must take second place for a time. And your guilt continues. You will, out of complete necessity, pull back from EVERYTHING else in your life.

7. You will keep the "bad days" to yourself, far more than you should, simply because you want this to work and you know you're right smack in the center of God's will and you don't want to hear the "I told you so's" from the crowd of dissenters. You will fear scaring off potential adoptive families if you tell the truth about how very hard this is. You will find your entire world is turned upside down for a while, and you will wonder if life will ever return to normal. The house you used to keep spotless will become messy, the children you used to have well-trained will begin to struggle, and you will find every aspect of your life in fragile disarray.

8. Your other children will "love" this child, then hate this child, then learn to truly love this child. This process will rip your entire heart right out of your body, yet it will teach all of you about Jesus' love. You will turn into a full-time counselor, guiding precious little hearts towards choosing love and forgiveness. YOU can take just about anything, but when your other children come to you and express their honest thoughts and struggles over this new child, you will come very close to wanting to disrupt, to start over, to go back to the safety of your "old" comfort circle. You will need other adoptive friends who can encourage and equip you to carry on when the going gets tough.

9. You will choose to continue on this journey, not because it is easy, but because it is good and right and necessary for healing. You will hold the raging child for hours and hours, you will redo and script and discipline and train and repeat yourself until you think you're going to lose your mind. You will snuggle this child when it makes your skin crawl, you will love this child even though you don't even like them some days, you will drop into bed drop-dead exhausted---and then you will get up again the next day and do it all over again, because you are committed to helping this child blossom. You will not rely on your feelings, because they will be all over the stinkin' place at times, but you WILL rely on your husband, your faith, and your unwavering commitment to parent this precious child. You will dig down deep and plow ahead, KNOWING the rewards will be worth it.

10. You will wake up one morning and realize that you've both made it through the dark valley and you're finally on somewhat even ground. Your child will brush their teeth without being told, will use a napkin and manners at the table. They will not whine, cry, quit, or cheat at their schoolwork. They will seek out affection and receive it willingly. You will smile as your children play together nicely and whisper sweet secrets in the dark at bedtime. You will listen and weep as your child finally opens up about their past, the abuse, and the heart of why they are who they are. You will take a breath and realize that you no longer love the image of this child--you truly love them. And you will find that your child is not the only one who has grown during this journey---you will not be the same person as before. You will be better. You will have no regrets as you realize you would gladly do it all over again to get to TODAY.

PART 2 of The Good, The Bad, and The Downright Ugly: Realities of Older Child Adoption

In this post I finally began blogging about some of the harder aspects of Johanna's adoption.

I started with Birth Order and the affects of adopting a child that instantly became the oldest of our seven children. Truthfully, this aspect of the adoption was more difficult for our biological children than it was for Johanna. She seems to enjoy being the oldest most of the time. (occasionally she is very sad that she wasn't a baby when she was adopted)

Today, I'm going to talk about the "negative" (in quotes on purpose, because clearly these behaviors were unavoidable in the beginning) BEHAVIOR issues we've faced so far.

Johanna spent 14 years in a public institution. She was fed and kept warm and clean, but she was not nurtured, loved, or disciplined. Our children's moral compass is set in motion by the parents and without that ruling sense of right and wrong, it becomes all about survival. The behaviors I'm about to describe are a direct result of years of neglect, abuse, and self-preservation.

This is the Johanna at the beginning of our journey. Many of these behaviors have been overcome by lots of love, hard work, and perseverance; some of them still remain, but we're working on them. :) I'm going to list the behaviors, then highlight and explain some of them.

Social Behaviors:

Lack of eye contact with adults

Inappropiate contact with men (this only happened a few times, hugging men at church, etc)

Running around wildly

"Spacey" look in her eyes

Overstimulated easily in public places, ie Wal-mart or church, amusement parks, large groups of people

Inability to play with other children, especially with regards to role-playing or group games

Lack of appropiate "stranger" boundaries/bonding outside the family

Physical Behaviors:

Hitting

Sensory processing difficulties

Inability to "read" her body's signals and needs (ie hungry, thirsty, tired, overstimulated, need to use the bathroom, etc)

Self-soothing behaviors like rocking, nail biting, fingers in her mouth, head banging, scratching (until she would bleed!)

Difficulty "calming down" once stimulated; bedtime was a great challenge for many months

Coordination challenges, such as jumping

Struggled to tie her shoes

Hoarding of her things (EVERYTHING she owned was kept on her bed for about 6 months and NOBODY was allowed to touch it)

Cheating with schoolwork

Emotional Behaviors:

Anger when told "no"

Inability to control her temper
 
Uncontrollable crying, screaming, or raging, depending on the situation

Toddler-like emotions: giddy when excited, throwing herself on the floor when disappointed

Only coping mechanism for stress: RUNNING AWAY FROM IT---literally running and hiding

Defiance

Habitual (daily) lying

No empathy for others

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Quite the list, isn't it?  The thing is, Johanna is not just a list of behaviors. She's the product of her upbringing. We can't erase those years but we can help her begin to heal. And we are SO PROUD of how far she has come in just a little over one year. :)

I will be honest and say that if someone had showed me this list of behaviors before I traveled for Johanna, I would have been very overwhelmed. I'm so thankful now that we stepped out by faith and trusted the Lord's leading and not "man's" intuition. :)

I expected many of these behaviors, but a few really pulled the rug out from under me. We've been through some dark days but the "SON" is still shining in our hearts.

In the next few posts, I will try to "highlight" the most challenging moments of the past year, in the hopes that our story can educate, equip, and encourage other families to not only consider one of these precious older children, but also to persevere when the "going gets tough". :)

Next posts will cover "Teaching Through the Communication Barrier", "Defiance and Discline", "The Reality of Raging and Grief" and more. Please feel free to comment publicly or email me privately if you have a question you'd like to see addressed in this series.

The Good, the Bad, and the Downright Ugly: Realities of Older Child Adoption

Not everything I write about is easy to share.

 

In fact, some of it is very personal and therefore very difficult to talk about in such a public way.

 

For that reason, I have waited until now, until I had clearance from the Lord and my husband, to share the deepest thoughts of my heart with you.

 

I have been approached more times than I can count about the realities of older child (and out-of-birth-order) adoption. Families want to know more than the feel good, mushy stuff that's fun to blog about. They want the GOOD, the BAD, and the downright UGLY.

 

Naturally, it is the most fun to share about the GOOD and most of what I have shared the past year has pertained to the good. :)

 

Today I will address the BAD and the downright UGLY, in the sincere hope that I can be a blessing and an encouragement to other mommas on their parenting journeys (one of the main purposes of this blog!).

 

And just because no blog post is fun without pictures, I'm including lots of pictures from Johanna's 15th birthday party this past July. :)

 

 

Let me start by saying this: Our Johanna is a treasure beyond words. We do not fault her for the challenges that accompany her adoption, because she did NOT choose to be an abandoned, she did not choose to be an orphan, and she did not choose to be institutionalized for 14 years. We are committed to being her "forever family" and are thankful for the immense blessings she has brought to our family.

There were some days this past year, where it felt like Johanna had always been a part of our family, where the bonding was effortless, where the children blended beautifully, and where we all found it easy to love each other.

But there have also been many, many days where none of the above was true......where the challenges of language and culture, birth-order and behavior, teen hormones and toddler maturity were overwhelming, exhausting, frustrating, suffocating even. Where I had to wake up in the morning and fake loving feelings for this child. Where my heart broke into a million pieces as I saw the affect she was having on the younger children. Where I wanted to scoop her up into my arms, run away with her, and start her life over so she wouldn't have to overcome so much and it wouldn't be so so so hard.

"Mommy, it's just not fair! The other children got to be with you as babies and they learned how to -----fill in the blank here with whatever we were working on----when they were little. It's just SO HARD for me to learn it now."

Please believe me when I say that we have no regrets. There is no doubt in our minds that Johanna was and IS meant to be in our family. For the most part, we've been able to see the light through the darkest days, with the exception of one very long weekend which was the one and only time the word disruption entered our vocabulary. (More about that later.) We are even more committed to making this work on all accounts than we were before we adopted her, because now we've heard her laugh, we've wiped away her tears, we've mended her hurts, we've watched her blossom---and we love her to the moon and back.

 

I want to talk first about BIRTH ORDER and how our adoption of a child older than the rest of our children has affected our family.

 

You will find most people (agencies included) will discourage "adopting out of birth order". I won't go into the science behind birth order, but I do think it's important to consider this topic.

 

Adopting Johanna immediately bumped Eliana (10) out of her firstborn position in our family. And while she completely agreed to the adoption and went out of her way to welcome Johanna and share her family with her, it was still very hard in the beginning. I remember Eliana coming to me privately numerous times to discuss this. She would repeatedly ask me, "Mommy, even though Johanna is the oldest now, will I always be the first one to come out of your tummy?" and I would reassure her over and over again of my love for her and her "place" in our family. After a TON of work, effort, guiding hearts, teaching, and loving, Eliana and Johanna are now pretty much inseperable. They play, work, dream, and plan like true sisters now.

 

One of the things I didn't think about in advance was that Johanna would get to do everything "first", before Eliana. Younger siblings are raised with the acceptance that they are not "first" in line for anything----they won't get older, drive, get their ears pierced, graduate, attend college, etc, FIRST. But the oldest child knows from the time they're little that they will be first. Especially given the fact that Johanna came to us very, very immature (therefore not earning priveleges by "right", just by "age"), it was hard for Eliana to accept the fact that Johanna would be doing "everything" before her. As Johanna has matured over the past year, and the girls have become "buddies", this has become less of an issue.

 

Nathaniel (8) has also struggled with accepting Johanna as his "older" sister. Keep in mind that for many months, Johanna acted less mature (in just about every area of life) than Eliana did. This really bothered Nathaniel and caused him alot of frustration. He takes it very personal when she is disrespectful to "his" Mommy and he felt left out and overlooked when caring for and teaching Johanna took so much of my time. Even though we as adults can completely empathize with the reasons behind Johanna's behaviors, empathy is a learned behavior and one I have had to continually work on with my children. I have been working on creative ways to strengthen Johanna and Nathaniels' bond.

 

It truly is a balancing act, parenting the various needs of each of our children, isn't it? :)

 

 

Our younger four children have accepted Johanna with open arms (well, Gabbey didn't take to her immediately, but she loves her now). Johnna came to us with ZERO ability to relate to young children. They frustrated and angered her and she even hit them a few times. This is an area where she has shown incredible growth. She is now able to completely care for the young children in our home. She can feed them, bathe them, dress them, take them potty, put them down for a nap, play with them, entertain them, discipline them (minor, appropiate reprimands when she is in charge), teach them, and love them. It's kinda scary, really----she sounds JUST LIKE me when she takes care of the littlest ones. Patience, role-playing, and modeling good parenting skills definitely paid off in this area.

 

Johanna asked me the other day, "Mommy, do you think I will be a GOOD mommy?"

 

 I truly think she'll be a great mommy someday.

Well, this post is getting long and I've barely scratched the surface of what I want to say. I guess I will just have to split this into several posts. :)

I'll close with one of my favorite pictures: Johanna and Eliana with their "best" friends, Elise and Emily. Such sweet, beautiful girls.....

There is singing in heaven.....

.....for another precious lost soul has become a child of the King of Kings.

This girl, who 9 short months ago didn't know ANYTHING about God and His infinite love for her:

was literally BEGGING her Daddy and me to show her how to become a Christian.

The Holy Spirit was so clearly evident in her heart, as the tears flowed and she became a daughter for the SECOND time in one year.

Oh, Lord, the joy is so big it almost hurts.

HE took a lost, lonely, abandoned little girl who needed Him desparately.....

and matched her with two parents who would so gladly show her His love.

Missions. In the rawest sense of the word.

"Going". We went!

 "Teaching". We're teaching!

And "making disciples". She's a disciple now!

Praise the Lord for His grace! That He would love us enough to send His son Jesus to take our place on the cross is difficult to comprehend, and even harder to explain to a girl who never knew unconditional love.

Until now.

Johanna sweetly said, "Now I have TWO adopted Daddies who love me!"

Heaven seems a little sweeter now. :)

Can You Imagine?

Can you imagine growing up without the unconditional love of a Daddy and Mommy?

Johanna can.

Can you imagine coming home from school over and over again to find that yet another one of your friends has been adopted and you were left behind?

Johanna did.

Can you imagine looking in the mirror and convincing yourself that the reason YOU were not chosen by a family must be because you are "SO ugly!"?

Johanna does.



Can you imagine asking your new Daddy and Mommy why you weren't adopted as a baby like your sisters?

Johanna did.

Can you imagine being so happy with your new-found family that, in all seriousness, you inform them that "I not want to be a big girl. I not want to grow up. If I grow up I have to leave you. I want to stay with you forever"?

Johanna has.



The First Six Months

Last summer, while waiting for our LOA (letter of acceptance from China) for our second adopted daughter, I received an email that literally CHANGED OUR LIVES FOREVER.

It was a plea for a 13 year old Chinese girl who would "age out" of China's adoption program on her 14th birthday and thereby remain an orphan for the rest of her life.

I've looked at so many waiting children during the past two years, that I thought nothing of clicking on the blog link and pulling up the photos of this young girl.

I instantly knew.

I wanted her.

I knew how incredibly crazy even the IDEA of adopting a teenager was----here we were, completing our second adoption in one year, Oh-so-busy with homeschooling and parenting our soon-to-be six children under 9, bonding, attachment and adjustment issues, financially drained......the list went on and on.

I couldn't get her face out of my mind. That evening, I showed her picture to my husband.

All I said was, "Look at this girl. She only has a few days to find a family. Isn't that so sad?"

He looked at her, said nothing, and we went to bed.

The next morning, after a sleepless night, I was in the shower, and the tears started to flow as I poured out my heart to the Lord. I couldn't understand why I was so drawn to this girl, when clearly it was an impossible decision. I literally begged God to take the desire to adopt her away, or to make the way clear to me.

I stepped out of the shower and called Brent.

"Honey, I know this is crazy, but ever since I saw the picture of that 13 year old girl, well, I've wanted her. I feel like she's ours. I know it's impossible, on so many levels, so could you just tell me now that there's NO way you would consider adopting her? Then maybe I can let her go."

Silence.

Then my darling husband quietly replied, " I've been thinking about her, too. Why don't you make some phone calls and see if it's even possible for us to adopt her."

I was in shock.

I spent the rest of that day calling our agency, our China coordinator, our Social Worker, expecting a "no" from all of them.

They not only said, "Yes", they also promised to help us in whatever ways we needed help.

Brent and I sat down that night and had a deep heart-to-heart talk. Stepping outside of our comfort zone and adopting a teenager required an immense amount of faith, and we knew we needed the peace that passeth all understanding that only comes from God. We agreed to pray separately about the decision and wait to move forward until we had complete peace.

I had peace immediately. :) Truly, I knew from the beginning. I still prayed fervently for clarity, for wisdom, for God's perfect will to be not only revealed to us, but also to be worked through us.

As the days began to pass, Brent still didn't have peace. While I wanted this girl, more than anything, I wanted her to have a family. So I reluctantly began to advocate for her. Several families emailed me, interested in adopting her. Each time I would think to myself, "NO! She's ours!" but I would still give them all the information they needed to follow through if they so desired.

A week passed and no one could commit to this beautiful girl.

I had resigned myself to not being her Mommy, since Brent had not received the "green-light" from the Lord to pursue her adoption.

Eight days after I first saw her picture, I was standing in the kitchen and heard my phone "beep" to let me know I had a new email. It was actually a "CC'd" email, from my husband (who was home at the time!) to our China coordinator.

He had decided that this girl "was meant to be a Bergey"!

(Yes, I found out via an email! My sneaky husband surprised me by emailing her while he was on his phone in the bathroom!)

The rest of the story of our whirlwind summer of 2011 was mostly chronicled here on my blog.

On July 19th, I met Chen Zhong Ling (who became our Johanna Ling Bergey) for the first time.

My older children love for me to tell them their story. You know, the details of how I found out I was expecting them, what they "grew on" (the food I craved while I was pregnant! :)), their birth stories, my favorite spots to kiss them when they were babies, how they nursed and learned to walk and talk......it breaks my heart that Johanna doesn't have the same story as my biological children. We will never know how her birth mother felt when she found out she was expecting her, what foods she craved, or her birth story. Johanna will never know if her birth mother ever kissed her even once or if someone took her away immediately because her face was "deformed". There is no one to tell her what her first words were or when she learned to walk.

Her story as our daughter began the moment I opened that email last summer. So, as often as she wants it---which is quite often!---I tell Johanna her story.

And her favorite part happens to also be my favorite part.

"I loved you from the moment I saw your picture."

The past six months have been a learning experience for our entire family. I haven't shared alot of the details, in part because we were just holding our head above water trying to figure all of this out most days.

Now, however, that we have six months behind us, I am ready to share some of the things that we've learned, the mountains and valleys, and the amazing journey we've been so blessed to be a part of.

So begins a series of posts covering a wide variety of topics on Older Child Adoption.

Stay tuned! (and if you have a question pertaining to this topic, please leave a comment below and I'll do my best to answer it.)

Zhongshan Children's Welfare Center

I am tired tonight. Both physically and emotionally.

Today I saw the only home my 14 year old daughter has ever known--until now.

Today I looked into the eyes of many, many little ones who have never known a mother's love.

And my heart is stirred. Overcome by frustration that I cannot do more for these children. So incredibly saddened by their vast needs, and for that matter, the needs of orphans around the world.

It seems as if it's never enough. I take one, and then, on days like today, God gives me a glimpse of the millions more that are waiting.

Especially touching to me today, was that one of Johanna's very best friends is also about to age out. As it turns out, she DOES have a family, but she doesn't know it yet. When she saw me loving on Johanna, she pulled back from the group and began to cry. I asked her if she wanted a family and she emphatically said, "yes".She was watching Johanna's happiness and wishing for some of her own.  I SO wanted to tell her that her Mommy and Daddy are coming soon, before her birthday, before it is too late! (in fact, it was breaking my heart that she doesn't know and must continue to suffer.)

Johanna didn't get sick at all on the long car-ride to the orphanage, for which I am thankful. She woke up early this morning and was READY to go visit her home of 14 years.

When we arrived at Zhongshan, Ms. Zhong and 3 of Johanna's friends were excitedly waiting for us.

The girl with the bunny is being adopted this MONDAY and we will get to meet her family! Both girls were happy that they would see each other again so soon.

This adorable girl is being adopted by our dear friends, the Buckelews. We traveled with Vicki and Todd back in December, when we adopted Gabbey and they adopted Ellie (our Ellie and their Ellie had such fun together!). Neither one of us knew, until recently, that we were both adopting girls from Zhongshan! Even more amazing, Johanna and this sweet girl slept next to each other in the same room and are friends! Isn't GOD amazing? He can orchestrate the very tiniest details and prove He exists just by doing so. I love the way this story is unfolding. Brent is praying that maybe he can time his travel to coinside with the Buckelews this fall.

The director of the orphanage was very happy that Johanna found a family and planned a LOVELY surprise birthday party for her!

These next three pictures tell a beautiful story.

One of the girls brought Johanna a gift: a GIANT stuffed bear. Lovely gesture, but I quietly pointed out a few minutes later that perhaps it wouldn't fit on the airplane?

Johanna thought for a moment, then decided to GIVE her gift away, to her little friend He Yu (Vicki's girl).

When she did, He Yu gave her the Mickey Mouse ears she was wearing. They traded gifts and seemed quite content.

I thought it was precious!

After the party, I requested information on some children whose parents haven't traveled for them yet. Then we walked to the cafeteria. On the way, we passed a playground with about 20 Down Syndrome children playing. Johanna gave out some lolipops we had brought and they loved them.

We then walked to the building that houses the older children. There are over 500 children at Zhongshan, including those in foster homes. Each bedroom on Johanna's floor had about 18 beds in it. The children sleep on the wooden bed with no mattress.

It was nap time, so when I stopped by one of the boys rooms, they all sat up and wanted their picture taken.

Next stop was Johanna's room! The girls were just as eager to have their pictures taken---and I was happy to oblige them! Johanna had the top bunk and climbed up to show me, and Gabbey wanted to join her!

I realize all of these pictures are not "healthy, pretty" children. But they ARE children. Each one has a story to tell and each one needs a family desparately. Yes, they are fed, clothed, kept warm and clean. But no orphanage can take the place of a FAMILY. In fact, it doesn't even begin to.

I know this, because my daughter spent 14 years in an orphanage, one of the "better" ones, and today, she left without ever hugging ONE ADULT. Not one. What does that tell you? It tells me she didn't attach to anyone except her peers. It tells me that while they are feeding the child's body, no one is feeding their HEART. It tells me that I'm SO thankful we got to her in time.

Ms. Zhong took us back to her office for a snack and a little visit, and then we headed to Johanna's school and finding spot. We didn't tell her what the finding spot was, as I'd like to wait to broach that subject with her, but I was able to get a picture to show her later.

I have more to say about Zhongshan, my impressions and such, but it's late, and I'm exhausted. I wanted to get the pictures up for those waiting to see them.

More tomorrow!