Surviving to Thriving: Refreshing Tips for Successful Older Child Adoption

I wish that parenting came with a perfect "how to" handbook. I REALLY wish adoptive parenting came with that handbook. :)

I've been asked to share what we've learned so far in our adoptive parenting journey. Most of this applies to adopting an older child, but some of it is helpful with the younger crowd as well. Johanna has encouraged me to blog these things, and I plan on getting her to participate in the series. (We've got a great plan for an interactive video, too!)

There are so many things we wish we had known when we first brought Johanna home, things that have literally made the difference between us making it or not. I'm always learning and willing to share what I've learned---so, here goes. :)

(Please remember that I'm not THE expert in this field, and that all of my advice may or may not work for you and your child.)

Let's start at the beginning with number one. :)

1. Focus on the Essentials

Often families are struggling because of a focus on non-essentials.

Here's the thing: Kindness is an essential skill.

Eating oatmeal is not. 

Respect for authority is another esssential.

Throwing toilet paper into the toilet (and not the trashcan or floor) is not. :)

Communicating needs and feelings in English is an essential skill.

Reading in English is not. 

Bonding and forming healthy attachments with both parents and siblings is an ESSENTIAL skill----Education is not. 

Yes, they need an education. Yes, we want them to "catch up". Sadly, many families focus on catching up with education MORE than they focus on catching up on healthy attachments. 

If you're more stressed about what workbook/curriculum/online program/school your child needs than you are their ability to fully communicate with you in English, you are likely focusing on the WRONG SKILL. 

And here is where you find frustrated families, because a child with no healthy attachment skills will more than likely NOT CATCH UP on their education. So you're pushing, and forcing, and stressing, and the child could care less because the skill they need most is an attachment with you, not an education.

My number one advice for families adopting an older child is for them to FOCUS ON THE ESSENTIALS. 

Early essential skills worth focusing on:

---Kindness to both people AND animals.
---Communication of needs in new language.
---Healthy sleep and eating habits.
---Family rules for chores and safety.
---Playful interaction between family members.
---Loving touch is a GOOD thing.
---Parents are primary and NECESSARY for meeting needs.

Behaviors NOT worth focusing on in the beginning:

---Public behavior (even when it's incredibly embarrassing, lol).
---Gross habits (nose picking, burping at table, wiping snot on their sleeve, etc).
---Hygiene (daily showering, changing of clothes, brushing teeth, etc).
---Food preferences.
---Unhealthy attachment/idolization of past relationships or country.
---Heart change. (More on this one later.)
---SCHOOL.

Now, of course, many of the things on the non-essential list are able to be addressed while still focusing on the essentials.

But anytime you find yourself overwhelmed or upset at your child, ask yourself--"Is this an essential skill I'm stressing about?" 

If the answer is "no", consider easing up, letting go, and returning to the essentials for awhile. :)

Christmas Picture and a BLESSING, 2014

Notice anything different from my last post about Johanna?

She is HOME. After 5 months in residential treatment, and some horrible events (which I plan to write about soon), she is doing A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!

While I believed in the power of prayer before, after this experience---I am even more convinced. We saw a definite turn of events when we openly shared about the struggles Johanna was facing and asked for an outpouring of PRAYER on her behalf.

I love the sparkle in her eyes. :)

10 Things You Wish You Knew About Adopting An Older Child

1. You will fall in love with a picture and a child a world away, and you will lay awake at night, thinking of this child and wondering about the days, months, years that you have missed. You'll wonder if you will ever truly be "Mommy" and if your love will fill the void of an empty heart. An ache will fill you down deep in your soul and it will become your necessary strength for this journey.

2. You will try to share this crazy, incredible adoption experience with your closest friends and loved ones and find their blank stares and "Are you completely crazy?" comments unnerving. They won't get it, and that's okay, because you know in your soul that you are this child's mother and you will give up trying to explain it to everyone.

3. Your "Gotcha Day" might not be filled with cute pictures you can't wait to post on the internet of  you and your new child. In fact, the hand-over will be quick, the paperwork a blur, the guide will pat your back and say, "See you tomorrow!" and you will find yourself in a quiet hotel room, alone, with a child whom you loved from afar but cannot even begin to communicate with. The newness and shock will wear off within a day or two and then reality will set in, for both you AND your child, and your world will start spinning with thoughts of "what have we done?" and "can we DO this?" and their world will be spinning with thoughts of "I'm scared!" and "I want to go back to the orphanage!" and even if you know this is for the very best you will both be struggling under the weight of the UNKNOWN yet to come. You will lie awake at night with a stranger in the room and hope you haven't just made the biggest mistake of your life. You will long for your other children, for home, for sights, smells, and sounds that are familiar---knowing all the while your child is losing exactly what you miss.

4. You will get home and things will settle down a bit. You still can't communicate much, but charades and Google Translate and baby talk will work for a while. The jet lag will just about kill you, but once that wears off, the honeymoon will begin. Your husband and other children, your friends, and your family will lavish attention on the new child, and you will breathe a sigh of relief. This may actually work after all! The smiles, the giggles, the joyful, abandoned way your child embraces new experiences will delight you and encourage you. You will stress over schoolwork and foods for awhile, then shortly come to the realization that there are far more important things to be learned.

5. You will be shocked by this child's immaturity. No matter how old their paperwork says they are, in reality they are more like a toddler. So you have to start with toddler basics---things like: sit quietly at the table, don't wipe your snot on your shirt, don't throw yourself on the floor when I tell you "no". And you will begin the long process of repeating yourself, daily. Some new behaviors will be learned quickly---but other ones will take every.last.drop. of energy you ever possessed. You will have to teach your child how to snuggle, how to seek comfort, how to need people, how to read their body signals, how to do just about every last thing. You will cease to stress over schoolwork and such and will learn to appreciate little victories---like the first time you take your child to the store and they don't crawl under the clothing racks or run around in loud circles. Or the first time they fall and get hurt and run TO you instead of AWAY from you. You'll capture the first unsolicited kiss or hug and the first "I love you" and keep the memory and sweetness of it tucked away for the next exhausting day.

6. The honeymoon will eventually wear off completely, and your child will begin to grieve and rage heavily. The immensity of the loss ("Why my China mommy not keep me? Why you not adopt me when I a baby??? Why I not see my friends in China anymore?") combined with the inability to process their feelings in a healthy way---and the language barrier---will send the child almost completely over the edge. The mourning process may be quick but it may be lengthy and you will be dealing with hours and hours of crying, screaming, raging, defiance, or running away. This child who never learned to obey will defy you at every turn. You will need to help this child all.day.long. yet will feel the guilt of not being able to meet the needs of everyone who needs you simultaneously. The new child "needs" the most so the other family members must take second place for a time. And your guilt continues. You will, out of complete necessity, pull back from EVERYTHING else in your life.

7. You will keep the "bad days" to yourself, far more than you should, simply because you want this to work and you know you're right smack in the center of God's will and you don't want to hear the "I told you so's" from the crowd of dissenters. You will fear scaring off potential adoptive families if you tell the truth about how very hard this is. You will find your entire world is turned upside down for a while, and you will wonder if life will ever return to normal. The house you used to keep spotless will become messy, the children you used to have well-trained will begin to struggle, and you will find every aspect of your life in fragile disarray.

8. Your other children will "love" this child, then hate this child, then learn to truly love this child. This process will rip your entire heart right out of your body, yet it will teach all of you about Jesus' love. You will turn into a full-time counselor, guiding precious little hearts towards choosing love and forgiveness. YOU can take just about anything, but when your other children come to you and express their honest thoughts and struggles over this new child, you will come very close to wanting to disrupt, to start over, to go back to the safety of your "old" comfort circle. You will need other adoptive friends who can encourage and equip you to carry on when the going gets tough.

9. You will choose to continue on this journey, not because it is easy, but because it is good and right and necessary for healing. You will hold the raging child for hours and hours, you will redo and script and discipline and train and repeat yourself until you think you're going to lose your mind. You will snuggle this child when it makes your skin crawl, you will love this child even though you don't even like them some days, you will drop into bed drop-dead exhausted---and then you will get up again the next day and do it all over again, because you are committed to helping this child blossom. You will not rely on your feelings, because they will be all over the stinkin' place at times, but you WILL rely on your husband, your faith, and your unwavering commitment to parent this precious child. You will dig down deep and plow ahead, KNOWING the rewards will be worth it.

10. You will wake up one morning and realize that you've both made it through the dark valley and you're finally on somewhat even ground. Your child will brush their teeth without being told, will use a napkin and manners at the table. They will not whine, cry, quit, or cheat at their schoolwork. They will seek out affection and receive it willingly. You will smile as your children play together nicely and whisper sweet secrets in the dark at bedtime. You will listen and weep as your child finally opens up about their past, the abuse, and the heart of why they are who they are. You will take a breath and realize that you no longer love the image of this child--you truly love them. And you will find that your child is not the only one who has grown during this journey---you will not be the same person as before. You will be better. You will have no regrets as you realize you would gladly do it all over again to get to TODAY.

Day 9: The Outlasting Technique

(Click HERE to read the rest of the Grace-Parenting series.)

The outlasting technique is my version of isolation/time-out/time-in that I use for two reasons:

lack of emotional control or an unwillingness to cooperate.


The first reason we might use this technique is for emotional outbursts. I'm not talking about a small "I don't want to!" response---an immediate re-do will usually work to suffiently gain obedience in that instance.

Sometimes, though, little ones lose control of their emotions, out of frustration, or anger from not getting their own way.

---BABIES and OUTLASTING: 9 to 18 months

At the beginning of a baby's life, WANT equals NEED, so we don't discipline for fussing, crying, or screaming. Babies need a voice to communicate their needs. :)

Around 9 months, however, I begin teaching some emotional control---gently and consistently. When my little ones begin to arch their back and scream to get down, or scream in anger because I'm changing their diaper, etc, I make eye-contact and say "No temper! Shhh."

I will also script their emotions for them, like this: "I know you are upset because you want to play! You may play when Mommy is done. No temper." I may or may not offer a little distraction, like singing a song or tickling their toes to encourage a pleasant mood. :)

Sometimes this is enough to calm the little one down.

Sometimes it isn't. :)

When I sense that my little one is just screaming from an emotional outburst (carefully discern if the little one just needs to nurse or sleep, etc), I will OUTLAST them.

I do this by putting them in their bed and saying, "NO temper. Mommy will pick you up when you stop screaming." and walking out of the room.

I come back in about 1 or 2 minutes (even if they are still screaming), smile at the baby, and say, "Are you ready to obey Mommy now?" I pick them up and repeat, "No temper" if they are still screaming. I comfort and snuggle for a second, helping them gain emotional control if they're ready.

If they continue to scream at that point, I say, "No temper" and put them back in the crib. I repeat the process until the baby calms down willingly and stops screaming. The first couple of times it may take more time, but after that, the little one knows what I want them to do and will either stop screaming the first time I say "No temper!" or shortly after being put in their bed. :)

**A couple of words of caution:

----Some babies need help calming down and do better with an "in-arms" outlasting. This works the same way as the "in bed" technique---you just hold the little one firmly in your arms, quietly repeating "No temper. Shhh." until they stop screaming or "fighting" you.

For many children, however, the "in-arms" makes them MORE angry and they calm down much quicker in their own bed. Out of my three toddlers, two responded wonderfully to the in-bed technique and would calm down on their own and be ready to obey very quickly. The third one (adopted) cannot ever calm down when left alone so we pick her up and hold her while she gains control of her emotions. Use wisdom to not let the situation escalate unnecessarily.

----I do NOT recommend using the "in-bed" technique with newly-adopted children, as your attachment is not established enough for it to be effective and it could seem like abandonment to the child. Wait until they are older and/or home with you longer--or try the "in-arms" or "in the same room" outlasting.

---TODDLERS and OUTLASTING: 18 months to 4 years

Some toddlers still respond well to the "in-bed" outlasting, but because little ones of this age are usually quite mobile, you might find that they don't stay in their bed. (or your child just responds better to being with you.)

In this case, you can use this technique by keeping them close to you, but outlasting the unwanted behavior with some "time-in".  The behaviors I'm talking about include screaming, tantrums, or complete unwillingness to do what they are asked to do. (I usually try a re-do or gentle teaching first, but when it is clear they are not going to obey, I use this technique.)

Let me give you a sample scenario to explain how this technique works:

I tell my toddler to do something and they respond with a whiny voice. I answer back, "We don't talk to Mommy like that. Use your nice words and try that again." Instead, the whining has gotten louder, they have refused the redo and are getting more upset about what I'm wanting them to do. I get on their level (either by bending down or picking them up) and say very firmly, "You may not scream at Mommy. I know you don't want to do X, but you need to stop screaming and obey.right.now. or you will need to sit until you're ready to obey."

If they continue to scream, fuss, etc, I put them down in the same room (either on a chair or on the floor) and calmly (Mommy needs to be in control, too!) say, "Sit here. You may get up when you tell Mommy you are ready to obey." I turn away, giving them some privacy to gain control of their emotions (ever needed to get away from people in order to calm down?), but keeping them in my point of view in case they were to try to get up. I do NOT allow them to get up. :) As soon as they say, "Mommy, I'm ready to obey!", I pick them up. We have hugs and kisses, make sure all is calm, then I repeat the original command. When they have obeyed, I usually ROLE-PLAY the way the situation should have gone. We laugh and smile, and we walk away from the discipline CONNECTED.

**How is this different from a "traditional" time-out?

---It is not a punishment for wrong behavior. It is giving your child time to gain control of their emotions without giving in to their disobedience, teaching that screaming or tantruming is not acceptable.

---There is no "set" amount of time until the outlasting is over. If the child is ready to obey in 10 seconds----great! Consequence is OVER. :) If it takes 10 minutes, that is okay, too.

**Words of Caution:

---Remember that some children need help calming down and it is okay to pick them up and love on them if it helps! If they are not ready to say, "I'm ready to obey, Mommy", I put them back down and repeat the steps.

---If you are at all angry DO NOT USE THIS TECHNIQUE. It is positively useless to try to teach emotional control when you don't have any.

---The goal is not punishment, but restoration. You can show the child that you are not going to give in to the screaming without getting angry. Parental anger is unnecessary with OUTLASTING.

---OLDER CHILDREN and OUTLASTING: 4 and up

By the time most little ones are 4, tantrums or emotional outbursts are rare, especially if they've been futile in the past. :)

"Older" little ones still do occasionally have emotional moments where outlasting is an effective technique, though.

I can give a "real life" example of this as we used the technique this morning with our Noah (he's just turned 6).

Noah came into the kitchen and said, "I'm hungry, Mommy." I told him we were getting ready to leave to go to town, but that he could have a banana. He replied, "I don't care for bananas. I want a granola bar or some goldfish."

I calmly said, "No, Noah, you may not have a different snack this time. You may have a banana or nothing, because we are leaving in just a minute." He said, "But I don't care for bananas!"

I picked him up and put him on the kitchen counter. I calmly said, "Noah, I know you don't care for bananas. They're not your favorite, but we are leaving soon and Mommy wants you to have a healthy snack if you're going to eat. You may have the banana or nothing."

He continued to argue with me. (This is actually not one of my children prone to arguing at all.) Brent came in the room at this point and said, "Noah, you will not argue with Mommy. Go sit on your bed until you're ready to obey." He went. He fussed in his bed for about 5 minutes.

Then Brent and I both went into his room, pulled him on our laps and said, "Buddy, you cannot fuss and argue with Mommy. Bananas are not your favorite, but they are good for you and you need to eat them." Because he was calm and apologetic at this point, we rewarded his efforts with a compromise: "If you eat half of the banana, you may have some goldfish after lunch."

(We don't always offer the compromise, but he truly was hungry and we feel it is important to meet the needs while teaching. :))

We snuggled, he apologized, we role-played how he should have acted, and off he went with a smile.

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Outlasting also works well when a child of most any age is being defiant and just won't listen. It may not mean putting them in a chair or their bed---it may just be the actual act of outlasting that is necessary.

Outlast (which means don't give in until the child is ready to obey) the following behaviors:

--Refusal to clean or do a job. (Often I will offer help but a grumpy child will need to finish the job alone.)

--Refusal to finish schoolwork. (Again, I will offer help if it is asked for respectfully.)

--Open, repeated refusal to apologize to a brother wronged, or use respectful words. (I start with a re-do, but open refusal is outlasted.)

The child's entire world comes to a halt until they are ready to obey. I don't mind waiting---and nothing fun will happen until they obey. :)

Sometimes an older child will earn further consequences for prolonged defiance. (Post on "creative consequences" coming soon!)

**Outlasting is a wonderful technique for training and discipling an older adopted child. It often looks like a "time-in" in the sense that the child is in "control" of when the discipline is over---all they have to do is say, "I'm ready to obey."

I hesitated at first to use this with Johanna, but she responds WONDERFULLY to this technique! She can be openly defiant, but when I make her sit until she's "ready to obey" she will almost always say, "I'm ready!" within a minute or two. These children often have no concept of discipline and haven't ever been "made" to comply without manipulating, lying, screaming, etc to get out of it. Outlasting the negative behavior (along with reasonable compromises, constant re-dos, extensive role-playing, and lots of nurturing!) goes a long way in teaching them that they need to listen and obey.

I can't tell you how many times I've had to outlast Johanna, right from the very beginning. I might say, "Tell Ellie you're sorry." and she would shake her head, NO. I would repeat it. Over and over. I'd sit right next to her and not let her do anything else until she apologized. Rinse. Repeat. Redo. I'm happy to say that saying "I'm sorry!" comes completely natural to her now, but boy, did it take some serious work in the beginning, lol.

Outlasting is the process of waiting for the child to yield.

It is a highly effective way to teach even small children that manipulative crying, screaming, or defiance are not profittable.

It is, however, completely useless if the parent is angry, frustrated, sarcastic, demeaning, or out-of-control.

(Remember---Outlasting is only ONE tool in your parenting toolbox. It is not the ONLY tool. :) Don't overuse it, and don't reach for it when a simpler response is appropiate.)

Blessings to you, dear friends, on this beautiful parenting journey. :)

Day 6: Mouth Trouble, Revisited

On Day 5, we talked about Mouth Trouble and I introduced the FIRST of two good options for teaching children to use respectful words. (Click HERE to read Day 5 or Click HERE to catch up on the entire series.)

So, let's just jump right into today's tip, a second very effective way to "combat" MOUTH TROUBLES (back-talk, whining, fussing, tattling, complaining, etc).

2. ROLE-PLAY

My husband has worked as a business sales rep for years. One of the things they use to train people to be successful salespeople also works as an AMAZING child-training tool---Role-play! Who knew??!!

Role-play is acting out the behavior you are striving for at a non-confrontational time.

It is, quite literally, training for obedience.

Role-play is planned, non-disciplinary, and FUN! :)

I'll give you a couple of scenarios that apply to today's topic (Mouth Trouble), and then I will give some example of ways that role-playing can work with a variety ages and situations.

---Teaching Respectful Words to Toddlers Through Role-Play (whenever they are talking clearly, usually about 18 to 24 months is a good time to start)

---If your little one already obeys you verbally most of the time, you will not need to use treats for this scenario. If, however, you are feeling that they do NOT listen most of the time, you may need to use the treats as an added incentive. :)---

Pick  time of day when your toddler is not hungry or tired. Be happy, playful, and non-confrontational. "Johnny, let's practice obeying! Would you like a treat? (I use Jelly Beans or something small like raisins.) You would? Say 'Yes, Ma'am!'" Put the treat in your hand an hold it out to your little one. Smile big. :) The little one responds with "Yes, Ma'am" and you say, "GOOD JOB, sweetheart! You used nice words!" and hand them the treat. Then you can say, "Let's practice using our manners now. Would you like another treat? Can you say, 'May I have a treat please, Mommy?'" Toddler uses his manners and you hand them another treat. "I love it when you use your manners. Those are such NICE words." Tickle baby, smile, play a little. Then say something like, "Can you tell Mommy the "no-no" words?" Prompt them to say whatever words you do not care for them to say. (This will vary by age, but might include "NO!", "I don't want to!", "Mine!", etc.) Exaggerate the "no-no" words with them and act out a scenario in which they might use them. Then say, "Are those NICE words? No! Those are "no-no" words! Now, can you help Mommy think of your NICE words?" and prompt again. ("please", "thank you", "may I have a turn, please?", "yes, you may have a turn", etc.) Praise the little one for the use of their "manners" or "nice words" and then send them off to play. This whole training session shouldn't take more than about 3 minutes.

The next time they use one of the "no-no" words you just practiced, you follow the steps for a RE-DO, prompting them to choose to use a NICE word instead.

---Teaching Older Children Respectful Words Through Role-Play (about 4 and up)

This kind of training is more than just "talking", it's actually role-playing with acting! It's a natural, fun environment for children to learn in, and they really love it if you have a positive attitude. :)

For example, we wanted to teach our children to say, "Thank you for dinner, Mommy. May I be excused, please?" after each meal (and before they get up from the table). This is a GREAT kind of skill to learn through repetition and role-play! I would teach something like this by calling all of the children together and saying, "Okay, guys, let's practice our table manners. Everybody run to the table as fast as you can---GO!" They all start laughing and running, even the little ones. Once they're sitting down, I teach the importance of being thankful at meals, and using respect when we are asking to be excused, etc. Then I would say, "Let's practice using our manners and asking to be excused. Everybody pretend to eat their dinner now!" They overexaggerate chewing and swallowing and we're all having fun. Then I choose someone to ask to be excused. "Nathaniel, you go first. Thank Mommy for lunch and ask politely to be excused." Everyone watches him use his manners, and then we clap for him and he sits back down. One by one, I ask each child to "use their manners" and even the little ones LOVE to have a turn. This is a non-disciplinary, pleasant learning environment in which repetition is the key.

When Brent comes home from work, I call everyone back together to "show Daddy what you worked on today!" and he offers more praise and enthusiasm.

I would continue practicing this "new" skill until all of the children (age-appropiately) follow through without reminders. If we get lazy and stop doing it, I play the "obey game" again for a few days until they are doing it without being prompted.

Role-playing, keeping our expectations very clear, and frequent reminders (like a Re-do) go a long way in teaching our children appropiate and respectful communication skills.

ROLE-PLAY can be used frequently to practice any behavior skill you're working on, not just for respectful words. We have used it when teaching our children to:

--Take turns
--Resolove conflicts appropiately
--Come or Stop when called
--Sit quietly
--Clean up messes
--Say, "Yes, Ma'am" or "Yes, Sir"
--Offer (or accept) an apology to/from a brother offended
--Sit quietly at restaurants
--Not touch at grocery stores
--Calmly accept consequences to wrong behavior
--Treat siblings kindly
--Look at adults and shake their hand when offered

(Now, they don't have all of these things mastered perfectly, but we are consistently working on them and seeing continual growth, which is all I expect. :))

We also role-play before any social situation (church, dinner out, guests over, etc) as a quick reminder of what we expect....Brent and I will exaggerate rude or wrong behaviors, remind them to obey, and specify the consequence if they choose not to obey.

In review, ROLE-PLAY is a fun, hands-on way to repetitively teach appropiate behaviors to your children.

In essence, it is Proactive Training vs. Reactive Discipline.

Teach more. Discipline less. :)

Blessings, dear ones, on your parenting journey!

Day 5: Mouth Trouble

Do any of your children ever struggle with not responding respectfully when you speak to them?

I didn't think so. Neither do mine. :)

Of course, the truth is, all children struggle at times with their MOUTH. (If we're really telling the truth, adults do, too!)

Disrespecting, back-talking, sassing, complaining, grumbling, fussing, whining, tattling......there are many ways for little ones to respond inappropriately with their mouths.

I want to share with you all two gentle, graceful ways to respond to our children AND teach them to use their mouths in age-appropiate, thoughtful, respectful ways. (I will split this post into two days.)

1.Re-Do

Proverbs 24:16, "A just man falleth SEVEN times, and riseth yet again....."

Matthew 18:21, 22, "Then Peter came to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven."

We serve a God of second-chances!

Now, we do not want to allow disrespectful or unkind words from our children to be ignored.

But, depending on the situation, it can be very helpful to immediately request a "re-do"; in other words---give them a second chance.

In our home, it would look something like this:

Let's say I call Noah (6) over to me and say, "Noah, I need you to pick up all of the toys in the living room, please." He responds with, "But Mo-oom! I didn't even play with those toys!" in a whiny tone of voice. I stop him, get eye-contact and say, "Noah, stop right now. Try again with RESPECT, please." Because he knows I will listen if he uses respect, he tries again, sweetly this time. "Mommy, I didn't play in the living room." I give him a quick hug and say, "I know you didn't, buddy. But I still need you to clean it up for me. What should you say to Mommy now?" He grins a bit sheepishly and replies, "Yes, Ma'am!" and off he runs.

Now, I know some of you are thinking----She just let him ARGUE with her!  I know you're thinking that, because there was a time when I thought the very same thing.:)

I have realized over the years, however, that my children are not ROBOTS. They do not exist to robotically move throughout the day, obeying my every whim and command. They are miniature people, with all of the same thoughts, feelings, and emotions that adults have---and with not nearly the same ability to process or control them.

Unless you have completely mastered the art of ALWAYS submitting to all authority without ever giving your opinion or asking for an appeal.......then do not expect your tiny little ones to be able to do so, either. Have high goals----but realistic expectations.

YES, they absolutely should obey your authority. And YES, there are many ways to teach them to do so! I am not encouraging you to let your children tell you what to do or control you. :)

What I AM encouraging you to do is to teach your children that you will be glad to listen to respectful words. (Sometimes that just equates to "Yes, Ma'am".) But then you really must take the time to listen to them when they talk. :)

You can SCRIPT the correct words for little ones by offering a "re-do" anytime they respond inappropriately.

There are FOUR STEPS to a really effective RE-DO.

1. Stop the child immediately. ("Lyssie, stop. Those are yucky words.")

2. Get good eye-contact. ("Look at Mommy.")

3. Ask them to try again with  respect. (With younger children, you may need to "script" the words for them, like this, "Lyssie, I need you to talk nicely to Mommy. Say, 'yes, Mommy'".)

4. Praise them! (No need to make a huge deal, but a simple "good words, sweetheart!" or "nice job of using respect!" can really bring a smile to your child's face. Don't underestimate the power of positive praise.)

You can use a re-do when a child argues, when they whine, when they say "NO", when they use the right words but the wrong tone, whenever they are struggling with making good choices with their MOUTH.

There are times when a re-do is all it takes to guide, teach, and correct your child. Don't take it to the "next level" if you don't need to.

Later in this series, I will explain what I do when a child does NOT respond to the re-do.

And tomorrow, I will share the SECOND gentle way to teach our children to respond appropriately with their mouths.

P.S. This technique is VERY helpful when dealing with older adopted children, especially when there is a language barrier. Learning English PLUS godly ways of responding to authority takes a long time and requires alot of re-do moments. I recommend making it a permanent tool in your "parenting tool box". :)

PART 2 of The Good, The Bad, and The Downright Ugly: Realities of Older Child Adoption

In this post I finally began blogging about some of the harder aspects of Johanna's adoption.

I started with Birth Order and the affects of adopting a child that instantly became the oldest of our seven children. Truthfully, this aspect of the adoption was more difficult for our biological children than it was for Johanna. She seems to enjoy being the oldest most of the time. (occasionally she is very sad that she wasn't a baby when she was adopted)

Today, I'm going to talk about the "negative" (in quotes on purpose, because clearly these behaviors were unavoidable in the beginning) BEHAVIOR issues we've faced so far.

Johanna spent 14 years in a public institution. She was fed and kept warm and clean, but she was not nurtured, loved, or disciplined. Our children's moral compass is set in motion by the parents and without that ruling sense of right and wrong, it becomes all about survival. The behaviors I'm about to describe are a direct result of years of neglect, abuse, and self-preservation.

This is the Johanna at the beginning of our journey. Many of these behaviors have been overcome by lots of love, hard work, and perseverance; some of them still remain, but we're working on them. :) I'm going to list the behaviors, then highlight and explain some of them.

Social Behaviors:

Lack of eye contact with adults

Inappropiate contact with men (this only happened a few times, hugging men at church, etc)

Running around wildly

"Spacey" look in her eyes

Overstimulated easily in public places, ie Wal-mart or church, amusement parks, large groups of people

Inability to play with other children, especially with regards to role-playing or group games

Lack of appropiate "stranger" boundaries/bonding outside the family

Physical Behaviors:

Hitting

Sensory processing difficulties

Inability to "read" her body's signals and needs (ie hungry, thirsty, tired, overstimulated, need to use the bathroom, etc)

Self-soothing behaviors like rocking, nail biting, fingers in her mouth, head banging, scratching (until she would bleed!)

Difficulty "calming down" once stimulated; bedtime was a great challenge for many months

Coordination challenges, such as jumping

Struggled to tie her shoes

Hoarding of her things (EVERYTHING she owned was kept on her bed for about 6 months and NOBODY was allowed to touch it)

Cheating with schoolwork

Emotional Behaviors:

Anger when told "no"

Inability to control her temper
 
Uncontrollable crying, screaming, or raging, depending on the situation

Toddler-like emotions: giddy when excited, throwing herself on the floor when disappointed

Only coping mechanism for stress: RUNNING AWAY FROM IT---literally running and hiding

Defiance

Habitual (daily) lying

No empathy for others

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Quite the list, isn't it?  The thing is, Johanna is not just a list of behaviors. She's the product of her upbringing. We can't erase those years but we can help her begin to heal. And we are SO PROUD of how far she has come in just a little over one year. :)

I will be honest and say that if someone had showed me this list of behaviors before I traveled for Johanna, I would have been very overwhelmed. I'm so thankful now that we stepped out by faith and trusted the Lord's leading and not "man's" intuition. :)

I expected many of these behaviors, but a few really pulled the rug out from under me. We've been through some dark days but the "SON" is still shining in our hearts.

In the next few posts, I will try to "highlight" the most challenging moments of the past year, in the hopes that our story can educate, equip, and encourage other families to not only consider one of these precious older children, but also to persevere when the "going gets tough". :)

Next posts will cover "Teaching Through the Communication Barrier", "Defiance and Discline", "The Reality of Raging and Grief" and more. Please feel free to comment publicly or email me privately if you have a question you'd like to see addressed in this series.

The Good, the Bad, and the Downright Ugly: Realities of Older Child Adoption

Not everything I write about is easy to share.

 

In fact, some of it is very personal and therefore very difficult to talk about in such a public way.

 

For that reason, I have waited until now, until I had clearance from the Lord and my husband, to share the deepest thoughts of my heart with you.

 

I have been approached more times than I can count about the realities of older child (and out-of-birth-order) adoption. Families want to know more than the feel good, mushy stuff that's fun to blog about. They want the GOOD, the BAD, and the downright UGLY.

 

Naturally, it is the most fun to share about the GOOD and most of what I have shared the past year has pertained to the good. :)

 

Today I will address the BAD and the downright UGLY, in the sincere hope that I can be a blessing and an encouragement to other mommas on their parenting journeys (one of the main purposes of this blog!).

 

And just because no blog post is fun without pictures, I'm including lots of pictures from Johanna's 15th birthday party this past July. :)

 

 

Let me start by saying this: Our Johanna is a treasure beyond words. We do not fault her for the challenges that accompany her adoption, because she did NOT choose to be an abandoned, she did not choose to be an orphan, and she did not choose to be institutionalized for 14 years. We are committed to being her "forever family" and are thankful for the immense blessings she has brought to our family.

There were some days this past year, where it felt like Johanna had always been a part of our family, where the bonding was effortless, where the children blended beautifully, and where we all found it easy to love each other.

But there have also been many, many days where none of the above was true......where the challenges of language and culture, birth-order and behavior, teen hormones and toddler maturity were overwhelming, exhausting, frustrating, suffocating even. Where I had to wake up in the morning and fake loving feelings for this child. Where my heart broke into a million pieces as I saw the affect she was having on the younger children. Where I wanted to scoop her up into my arms, run away with her, and start her life over so she wouldn't have to overcome so much and it wouldn't be so so so hard.

"Mommy, it's just not fair! The other children got to be with you as babies and they learned how to -----fill in the blank here with whatever we were working on----when they were little. It's just SO HARD for me to learn it now."

Please believe me when I say that we have no regrets. There is no doubt in our minds that Johanna was and IS meant to be in our family. For the most part, we've been able to see the light through the darkest days, with the exception of one very long weekend which was the one and only time the word disruption entered our vocabulary. (More about that later.) We are even more committed to making this work on all accounts than we were before we adopted her, because now we've heard her laugh, we've wiped away her tears, we've mended her hurts, we've watched her blossom---and we love her to the moon and back.

 

I want to talk first about BIRTH ORDER and how our adoption of a child older than the rest of our children has affected our family.

 

You will find most people (agencies included) will discourage "adopting out of birth order". I won't go into the science behind birth order, but I do think it's important to consider this topic.

 

Adopting Johanna immediately bumped Eliana (10) out of her firstborn position in our family. And while she completely agreed to the adoption and went out of her way to welcome Johanna and share her family with her, it was still very hard in the beginning. I remember Eliana coming to me privately numerous times to discuss this. She would repeatedly ask me, "Mommy, even though Johanna is the oldest now, will I always be the first one to come out of your tummy?" and I would reassure her over and over again of my love for her and her "place" in our family. After a TON of work, effort, guiding hearts, teaching, and loving, Eliana and Johanna are now pretty much inseperable. They play, work, dream, and plan like true sisters now.

 

One of the things I didn't think about in advance was that Johanna would get to do everything "first", before Eliana. Younger siblings are raised with the acceptance that they are not "first" in line for anything----they won't get older, drive, get their ears pierced, graduate, attend college, etc, FIRST. But the oldest child knows from the time they're little that they will be first. Especially given the fact that Johanna came to us very, very immature (therefore not earning priveleges by "right", just by "age"), it was hard for Eliana to accept the fact that Johanna would be doing "everything" before her. As Johanna has matured over the past year, and the girls have become "buddies", this has become less of an issue.

 

Nathaniel (8) has also struggled with accepting Johanna as his "older" sister. Keep in mind that for many months, Johanna acted less mature (in just about every area of life) than Eliana did. This really bothered Nathaniel and caused him alot of frustration. He takes it very personal when she is disrespectful to "his" Mommy and he felt left out and overlooked when caring for and teaching Johanna took so much of my time. Even though we as adults can completely empathize with the reasons behind Johanna's behaviors, empathy is a learned behavior and one I have had to continually work on with my children. I have been working on creative ways to strengthen Johanna and Nathaniels' bond.

 

It truly is a balancing act, parenting the various needs of each of our children, isn't it? :)

 

 

Our younger four children have accepted Johanna with open arms (well, Gabbey didn't take to her immediately, but she loves her now). Johnna came to us with ZERO ability to relate to young children. They frustrated and angered her and she even hit them a few times. This is an area where she has shown incredible growth. She is now able to completely care for the young children in our home. She can feed them, bathe them, dress them, take them potty, put them down for a nap, play with them, entertain them, discipline them (minor, appropiate reprimands when she is in charge), teach them, and love them. It's kinda scary, really----she sounds JUST LIKE me when she takes care of the littlest ones. Patience, role-playing, and modeling good parenting skills definitely paid off in this area.

 

Johanna asked me the other day, "Mommy, do you think I will be a GOOD mommy?"

 

 I truly think she'll be a great mommy someday.

Well, this post is getting long and I've barely scratched the surface of what I want to say. I guess I will just have to split this into several posts. :)

I'll close with one of my favorite pictures: Johanna and Eliana with their "best" friends, Elise and Emily. Such sweet, beautiful girls.....

Q & A, Part 2, Your Questions Answered

(If you're just joining us, scroll down or click HERE to read about the GAME we're playing, see the wonderful comments and questions from my readers AND to leave a comment of your own! The more comments, the more questions I'll answer!)


First, let me say that ya'll have given me SO many great questions! I think I'll be working my way through these for weeks, lol.

HOW DID YOU AFFORD SO MANY ADOPTIONS SO QUICKLY?

What a fabulous question! Let me start by saying that we are not wealthy---by any means! :) Since the birth of our first child, we have lived off of Brent's income alone. When we look at our income next to the cost of our three adoptions----well, the two columns just shouldn't line up!

But God is so good. Isn't He? :)

With Gabbey, our first adoption, we used all of our tax return for the beginning fees (HS, agency fees, etc). Then we used Brent's 401K for most of the rest of the fees. Her adoption ended up being far more expensive than the other two, in part because more people traveled, but mostly because we chose a cheaper agency the second time around. The $13,000 tax credit from Gabbeys' adoption and the $5,000 employer reimbursement per adoption (we recieved a total of $15,000) were then used towards Lyssie and Johanna's adoptions.

We did receive three grants and three loans (one loan from an adoption company and two loans from our parents) for the second two adoptions. Once we recieve our final tax refund (which, ahem, could be tomorrow or six months from now, depending on the IRS) we will have paid off EVERYTHING and be completely debt free again (with the exception of our 15 passenger van and our home). This is a huge blessing, because, while we certainly would be willing to make payments for years in order to bring our girls home, we have always strived to live as debt-free as possible.

I highly recommend researching ABBA FUND, LIFESONG , JSC FOUNDATION, SHOW HOPE, and A CHILD WAITS FOUNDATION if the Lord has laid adoption on your heart and you don't have 20 or 30 thousand dollars collecting dust in the bank. LOL. I personally know families that have received anywhere from $3,000 to $20,000 in grant monies from these organizations.

Aside from having a yard sale, one dear couple in our church giving us the money for a plane ticket, and my sister giving us a check, we did not recieve any money from our church, family, or friends. I do know many, many families who are able to raise much of the necessary money through these outlets, though. We did cut out many "extras" for the two years we were needing so much extra cash for our adoptions.

Which leads me to the next question.....

HOW DO YOU AFFORD  FAMILY VACATIONS?

Our family LOVES to go on vacations (or weekend trips, overnight get-aways, or day excursions). Basically, we love to pile in our van and GO! (We even have a family song we wrote about such trips....but I digress.)

Due to the high cost of the adoptions, we didn't take a true family vacation the past two years. (We did go to Family Camp last summer, but it was very reasonably priced AND we had booked it before we decided to adopt Johanna so the money was already spent at that point.)

My sweet hubby works in Business Sales. Which means he's using technology ALL THE TIME. Cell-phones, laptop, email. It's his life during the work week. So he plans time to unplug and spend quality time with our family.

As far as actually affording the vacations, well, maybe I can get Brent to write a post about this topic. Bartering, bargain-shopping, researching vacation spots, and getting the very best deals around are his specialty. I'll let him share more about that since he's the vacation planner and I'm the wash and then pack everything we own---and then some---into our van girl. :)

HAVE YOU EVER HAD FAMILY MEMBERS OPPOSE YOUR ADOPTIONS?

No.

Our extended famlies---even the ones who we might not be "intimately close" with---have all been supportive of our choice to adopt and our girls.

That being said, they did all know that we were really crazy about children and wanted a whole bunch. So I don't think our adoption decisions came as a big shock. :)

We have faced some negativity, but not from our family. Some people just feel the need to comment on your decisions or family size. While there is certainly wisdom in counsel (if everyone you know is saying DON'T, maybe they're right?), there will be naysayers in any major decision you make as a family.

I don't know how to say this gently, so I'm just going to say it: We don't ask permission of ANYONE  before making a biological baby, and we don't need their permission to adopt one, either. If a husband and wife have taken their family size/adoption choice before the LORD and HE has given them clear direction, then it doesn't matter what people think or say, does it? Obey God. :)

Family size is clearly a GOD/HUSBAND/WIFE decision.

IS THERE ANY REASON YOU'VE ADOPTED ALL GIRLS?

When we first started the adoption process in January of 2010, we had one girl and three precious rambunctious boys. :) Eliana had prayed for a sister for years. We obviously requested to be matched with a girl.

We reviewed about 10 files when we were ready to adopt the second time. Both boys and girls, with various special needs. I told the agency that we were hoping for a boy or girl a year or two OLDER than our two babies (who were not yet 2 at the time).

The last file we viewed was Alyssia. Our agency mis-read her information and told me she was almost 3 years old. Perfect in my mind! :) We started to fall in love and then we re-read through the fine print and realized she was another 2009 baby! I vividly remember sitting on the couch with Brent, gazing at Alyssia's picture, asking each other----can we really do THREE babies the same age?

Well, you all know what the answer was. She was ours. And OH MY we haven't regretted that decision for even a milisecond. (Okay, so there have been days like THIS ONE where I thought the virtual toddlers were going to get the better of me. :))

Johanna came about very unexpectedly, and her story is told in part HERE.

So there is no partiality for girls in our home....it's just worked out that we've adopted three of them. If we are blessed to be able to adopt again, we will more than likely bring home a boy (or two!). :)


Enough for tonight, friends. I'm getting tired. :) But keep the questions coming and I'll do my very best to answer them to the best of my ability. And thanks for reading and sharing in our story.

A Tale of Two Daughters

ONCE UPON A TIME......

There were two daughters.

One had long, blonde curls, a nurturing spirit, and a heart for Jesus.

The other had amazingly thick, black hair, a zest for life, and a free spirit.

The younger was once the eldest, displaced by the adoption of the now-older daughter.

Eliana (now 10) has spent the past few months maturing. Growing up fast. Becoming a beautiful young lady. Taking on more and more responsibility with a joyful heart. Making her parents so proud.

Johanna (now 14) is determined to never grow up and is fighting hard against maturity. Convincing her that being a grown-up is FUN is so, so difficult. In her mind, growing up equals leaving Mommy and she literally wants to stay with Mommy FOREVER.

Often people assume that parenting our virtual-triplet-toddlers is overwhelming. And it certainly can be.

But parenting a toddler in a teen-ager's body is much, much more overwhelming.

Overall, things have gone amazingly well with Johanna. She hasn't exposed our children to anything we haven't approved of (except a strong temper, lol), she loves being a part of our family, and she IS learning many, many things.

Getting her to desire maturity is proving to be more difficult than anything, though.

We have two lovely daughters.

One is growing up overnight, right in front of our eyes.

And one is dragging her feet. :)

Please join us in praying for HEAVENLY WISDOM as we travel down this uncharted path. I will admit, I'm having a hard time figuring out the best ways to teach our girl what she needs to know.

At the same time, I  KNOW the Lord is writing a story, a "tale" if you will.

A tale of our two daughters.

And we, the parents of these precious girls, are the tools in the hand of the Author of THEIR story.

May He give us the wisdom to know how to teach them, the strength to act on that wisdom, and the diligence to perservere when the going gets tough!

Finding Joy in Motherhood, Part 2, View Your Children the Way GOD Views Them

(If you're just jumping into this series, please consider starting HERE with Part 1 of Finding Joy in Motherhood.)

How can we find JOY in motherhood?

 1. View  your children the way God views them.

How does God view children?

Let’s turn to Psalm 127:3-5 to find out. God says children are an heritage, an inheritance, and a reward. If you found out you would be receiving a large monetary inheritance, would you answer people like this, “Well, it really wasn’t planned. I really didn’t want any more surprises like this. Yes, I certainly hope this is the LAST one!” How ridiculous would that sound? Yet how many times have you heard women answer this way over an “unplanned” pregnancy? You see, God sees the whole picture and HE says that children are your heritage, your legacy, your inheritance. Do you hear the positive sound to these words? God is saying that your children are not a bother, not a burden, not a trial to be endured----but a BLESSING!

We wouldn’t dream of criticizing a family who received a large monetary inheritance but think nothing of giving our opinion that a large family should “stop having kids!”. God is the creator of life and everything HE creates is GOOD!

 I Samuel 1: 5, speaking of Hannah and her husband Elkanah, says, “But unto Hannah he gave a worthy portion; for he loved Hannah: but the LORD had shut up her womb”. I remember reading this verse for the first time during my period of infertility and I found such comfort in the words, “But the LORD had shut up her womb”. You see, dear sisters, if God SHUTS the wombs of women, that means He also OPENS them to create life. And if God is creating a new life through you, whether it’s your first or your 20th, whether it’s on your time-schedule or HIS, what a gift, what a blessing, what a HERITAGE!

Jesus, during His earthly ministry, was often approached by small children. I can so vividly picture one such event in my mind……Jesus had just came into Judaea after preaching and teaching in Galilee. The Bible tells us in Matthew 19 that “great multitudes followed him; and he healed them there.” Can you imagine how tired Jesus might have been after literally spending all day teaching and healing the “multitudes”? The last of the multitude fades into the distance and the sneaky Pharisees snatch up their opportunity to plague Him with their “spiritual” doctrinal questions about divorce and such. At the end of the day, some parents tentatively bring their littlest ones to Jesus, asking for a blessing. The impatient disciples, who, by the way, didn’t turn the multitudes OR the Pharisees away from Jesus, REBUKE the parents. Can you imagine what they might have said? “Jesus is exhausted. He’s spent all day MINISTERING. He doesn’t have time or energy left for your little ones. Besides, they’re not that important in the Kingdom!”

But OH, then Jesus puts His hands up and says, “WAIT!” Matthew 19:18 tells us what Jesus said then, “Suffer the little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven.” Our Lord and Saviour, the God of the universe, knelt down, picked up these precious children, and held them in His arms. He took time for them, even when He was exhausted. He told all those who were near that it wasn’t the adults in the multitude, it wasn’t the wanna-be spiritual Pharisees, NO, it was these precious little CHILDREN that made up the kingdom of heaven.

God created your children, God calls them a blessing, and He says they’re important! Sharing God’s view of your children is the first step to finding true joy in motherhood.

Home Tour, Part 5

We're moving on to the GIRLS bedroom today. This room is pretty small, so we have to keep it VERY organized or the stuff overwhelms the cute little girls who sleep there. :)

I showed you in this post how I was inspired by a Pottery Barn Kids catalog to paint the "house" on the wall of the girls' room. I'm still loving PBK but living on a thrift store budget. :)

On their very first "conversation" as sisters, (via skype while we were in China), Eliana allowed Johanna to choose which bed she preferred. She chose the top bunk, so Eliana gets the bottom now.

The little porta-crib is technically Gabbey's bed, but she really doesn't use it. She has an EXTREME fear of being in a crib by herself. We worked through some of it, and she was doing pretty good last summer, but the trip to China really set her back. It seems like she was left in her crib WAY too much or perhaps there was something tramautic happening at night? In any case, she sleeps with Ellie or with Brent and me. And she is happy as a lark as long as she can feel the safety of someone else sleeping nearby.

ANYWAY, the porta-crib works great when the older girls want to "watch" the babies. They will invite a baby to play in the crib and give them special toys to play with. The little one gets to be with the older girls, but doesn't have complete access to the older girls' things. Works for now!

Johanna's bed:

.....and Eliana's bed:

My dad took Eliana to dinner and shopping on her 10th birthday. She picked out this adorable butterfly bedding. I have a feeling I know what Johanna is going to choose on her birthday date with Grandad. :)

Shellbert, Ellie's pet turtle, makes his home on her dresser.

Moving to the right, we get to the girls' closet. The little girls use the left side of the closet, while the big girls use the right. Games go on the left, craft supplies on the right.

The bookshelf (Target) gives Johanna and Eliana some "personal space". They each have their spot for their special things....books, photo albums, girl treasures. :)

The girls are responsible for keeping their room clean and most of the time, they do a fabulous job! Once we convinced Johanna that nobody was going to steal her things (took about 6 months), we were able to organize everything so there is "shared" space and "personal" space. (Up to that point, everything Johanna owned--that wasn't clothing---was ON HER BED, with her. There was barely room for her little body at night. Seriously, I think I could have put her on the hoarder's show. But she was SO happy to have so many of her own things, and SO scared that someone was going to TAKE them, that we allowed her to be a hoarder for awhile. Thankfully, she's more relaxed about things now that she's had ownership of them for some time, and we can keep the girls' room looking sweet again.

Girls and Swimming

I received a question regarding this post and our girls' swimming attire. :)

We do believe in modesty in our home, and try to teach modesty in dress and attitude with our girls. There is so much to being a lady---clothing is just one part, that's for sure!

But as we're teaching our children to keep their bodies covered appropriately and to keep the focus on their countenances, the question will arise---what about swimming?

For our family, we do not change our modesty standards when our bodies go near a body of water. :)

We have been so happy with swim shirts and shorts on our little boys. Dressing the girls in comfortable water apparel can be a little harder, though! I know there are some wonderful websites that make modest swim clothing for girls (I actually own one from www.wholesomewear.com that works great and keeps me comfortable in and out of the water!) but they are pricey and it's just not practical for us to spend that much on growing girls. :)

So we usually purchase swim shirts (Ellie's pink one is actually just an "athletic" shirt from Target) and try to find long swim trunks in girly colors to wear with them. I was tickled to find both girls pink trunks at a consignment sale. I think they're both Land's End brand, but I didn't pay Land's End pricing. :)  Johanna's swim shirt was from a thrift store and doesn't match her swim trunks, but we haven't found an inexpensive alternative yet, and she didn't care anyway. :)

I usually don't get more than my ankles wet at the ocean, so I just wear my regular clothing. But my girls are growing girls who love to swim when they have the chance, so I'm thankful for modest clothing choices for them. :)

Aren't you impressed? TWO posts in one evening! :) Too bad I can't just plug a cord into my brain and automatically download the rest of the posts waiting there. LOL

There is singing in heaven.....

.....for another precious lost soul has become a child of the King of Kings.

This girl, who 9 short months ago didn't know ANYTHING about God and His infinite love for her:

was literally BEGGING her Daddy and me to show her how to become a Christian.

The Holy Spirit was so clearly evident in her heart, as the tears flowed and she became a daughter for the SECOND time in one year.

Oh, Lord, the joy is so big it almost hurts.

HE took a lost, lonely, abandoned little girl who needed Him desparately.....

and matched her with two parents who would so gladly show her His love.

Missions. In the rawest sense of the word.

"Going". We went!

 "Teaching". We're teaching!

And "making disciples". She's a disciple now!

Praise the Lord for His grace! That He would love us enough to send His son Jesus to take our place on the cross is difficult to comprehend, and even harder to explain to a girl who never knew unconditional love.

Until now.

Johanna sweetly said, "Now I have TWO adopted Daddies who love me!"

Heaven seems a little sweeter now. :)

Thinking...

Many thoughts swirling in my head lately. So many that it is difficult to pull one or two out of the overflow and try to blog something coherent.

I've been busy sewing. Made matching dresses for the girls, and before you even BEGIN to think the supermom thoughts, let me tell you that my house FALLS APART when I sew. Seriously. I just push through, finish sewing, and get to work cleaning up the various messes. I suppose some Mommas-to-many-little-ones have figured out some secret to sewing productively while keeping a perfect house and happy children, but they sure haven't shared it with me. :) I do try to sew during naps, and I suppose I could sew at night when they're all in bed, but I'm afraid I'm useless at sewing past 9 pm. I spend most of my time ripping out the seams because I make mistakes in my exhaustion!

Anyway, here's the finished product, as seen in some family pictures from last weekend:

I included the picture of Brent and me because I just couldn't leave it out.....I'm pretty sure our wedding was the last picture we had taken of us alone together. (Technically we weren't alone in this picture either, as seven children were running around behind us :) )

Jesus has been working in my heart lately. Reminding me of all that HE has done for me and stirring within me a desire to do all for Him. From changing dirty diapers to ministering to the masses....it is all a gift back to Him who gave His all. Even when I lift my hands in thankfulness to my Saviour, my miniscule offering of love doesn't even begin to touch the debt I owe Him. Oh, how I long to be filled daily and to allow my life to be completely spent in serving my Lord!

I've had so many realizations in my parenting style and skills the past year or so. God pulled me out of my comfort zone when we brought home our first adopted daughter. You see, I had poured my life into what I thought was being a really successful Mommy. My children were sweet, obedient, loving to each other and pretty respectful to their Daddy and Mommy. (obviously, they weren't perfect, just well-behaved! :)) Then we started adopting our girls. One by one, they joined our family and brought along their own set of "baggage".....and each time our family dynamics changed. I've been stretched, molded, overwhelmed, changed, frustrated, inspired, and challenged like never before in my parenting journey.

And I am SO, SO thankful that God brought these precious girls into our lives.

Someday, I'm sure I will feel at liberty to share the changes we've made in our parenting since adopting our girls. But not yet. Certainly not before I finish the Home Tour. And maybe not even then. I struggle with wanting to shout from the rooftops the lessons I'm learning----and yet my story is their story and I must be careful to respect their privacy.

Sometimes teaching Johanna anything can leave me figuratively hitting my head against a brick wall.( Remember, I said figuratively! :)) And yet, just when I think for the last time that she'll NEVER "get it", she finally DOES get it! Or I learn to change my expectations. Or perhaps a mixture of both things occurs?? Goodness, I love that girl. I wish you could see the sparkly way she approaches life and all the new things she's experienced the past 8 months.

Our children go with us everywhere. That means that if I want to go somewhere during the week, they ALL come along. Whether it's the grocery store, the doctor, a fast-food restaurant, the park, the bank, or just running errands, I am learning the art of multi-tasking while taking care of many small children. :) We do draw attention wherever we go, get ALOT of stares and many people are bold enough to ask personal questions of us. Most of the time, I don't mind. :) Seven doesn't feel like alot to me, it just feels like my family, you know? But I guess the novelty is still just that: a novelty. I'm sure the multi-race aspect comes into play as well. What I'm getting at is this picture I took of Brent and the children a couple of Sunday afternoons ago.......now I'm QUITE sure I know why people were staring during THIS particular Target shopping advernture. :)

Brent and I are in the planning stages of something really BIG for our family! We can't wait to share what the Lord has laid on our hearts. In the meantime, will you join us in praying that God will give us clear direction and great wisdom?

Last month, we took an impromtu trip to VA Beach for the weekend. (Impromptu as in, we didn't plan the trip until Brent walked in the door early from work on Friday. We left ONE HOUR later! Normally it takes us TWO hours to get our crew ready to go anywhere, so this was quite the accomplishment!)

The quality "away" time was amazing for our family, especially Johanna. We walked the beach and talked at length about many deep topics. She must've felt more comfortable than usual and shared much of her heart with me. Ethan, Alyssia, and Gabriella had never experienced the "beach" before and absolutely LOVED it! It was cloudy and cooler, so the crowds were minimal and we had a BLAST.

Just for fun, here's a glimpe of our family at a nice restaurant during our weekend "get-away"....we recieved a gift card for Christmas and finally put it to good use!

Table for nine. Two menus. Three highchairs, please. :)

If you're still with me after this much longer than normal post, thanks. Stick around, I've got some fun things planned soon---new blog design, wrapping up the Home Tour, continuing our Toddler Training Series, some straight talk about adoption and attachment, and more!