New Baby for the Bergey Bunch

Last December, (right when I DISAPPEARED from the blogging world.....I truly love blogging, and I have a million posts I'm dying to share, but this past year has been spent LIVING, with very little time to write about that LIVING! ), we found out we were expecting our 8th child.

 

We had prayed for years that the Lord would bless us with another biological blessing, but we were SO busy with the adoptions, and then ministry, that we thought perhaps the Lord was saying "no".

 

But, on a rainy December morning, while Brent was hooking up the trailer for a day of traveling, I saw *two purple lines* on a pregnancy test and our already crazy life became just a little bit crazier.

 

To say the entire family was EXCITED is an understatement.  :)

 

We celebrated this precious baby the ENTIRE nine months of pregnancy. It was like our long-awaited first-born all over again, only a little bit better for Brent and I because we knew how amazing a new little life is. I struggled with morning sickness for about 17 weeks (compounded by our full-time travel....car sickness plus morning sickness is M-I-S-E-R-A-B-L-E!) but the rest of the pregnancy was FABULOUS!

 

At our 20 week ultrasound, we discovered that I was pregnant with another BOY.

 

Four girls and four boys. How perfect is that?  

  



 

My sister Lauren and my mom threw an amazing shower for little boy and me. Since we sold EVERYTHING we owned last summer, I was truly starting over with this little guy. I was blessed with so many little God-specific answers to prayer! Little boy Bergey was well-provided for and well-loved already. :)

My mom made 3 cakes for the shower! Yummy!

One of the highlights of this pregnancy was doing a Maternity Photo Shoot with my sister/photographer Lauren. She takes amazing pictures and without her, I wouldn't have so many incredible pictures from this baby's pregnancy/birth. I've never had nice pregnancy pictures (who feels pretty when they're big pregnant, lol?) so this is such a treat for me. :)


37 Weeks Pregnant with Baby Boy Bergey

Next post---Baby's birth! Stay tuned!

Day 13: Parent, The Teacher, Part 3

*Disclaimer: This post is long. I know that. I'm asking you to consider taking the time to read every word, slowly. I really feel like this is the essence of Grace Parenting. It's the foundation all of the other thoughts, tips, and methods are built on. With that in mind, I'm asking you: Please don't skip this post. 

Last time, we talked about the importance of teaching our children in the areas of education and emotions.

Today we're going to talk about how we can teach our children spiritually.

Because, in the end, if we have gained the whole world, but lost the soul of our child....we have truly lost it all.

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Many parents talk about God with their young children. It goes something like this:

"Johnny, what you just did was BAD. Jesus is sad now. You don't want Jesus to be sad, do you? Well, then, you need to obey."

or

"God hates lying. The Bible says 'XYZ' about lying. You better never lie again."

or

"God punishes me when I disobey Him. That's why I have to punish you now."

Each one of these scenarios (while mixed with some truth) is NOT giving our children the gospel of grace.

It is using God as a discipline threat.

We shouldn't be shocked that teenagers are running as fast as they can from a God who is viewed as nothing but a sad, angry, disappointed disciplinarian.

The question is, then,

How can we point our children to the true, living, grace-filled gospel of Jesus Christ?

First, we must define what the gospel IS and what it is NOT.
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THE GOSPEL:

The gospel--in a nutshell--is that God, the creator of the universe, had a plan when He created everything.      The first man, Adam, was sinless until he ate of the forbidden tree. Every human since Adam has also sinned against God.

God set in place the beginning of His plan for mankind: a way of atonement, through a sacrificial system, to offer forgiveness for those who broke God's laws. A person would bring a lamb to the high priest to be slain for his sins. Atonement was found in the blood that was shed. (All of this is found in the first three books of the Bible.)

For thousands of years (as documented in the Old Testament), this sacrificial system remained in place. With a few exceptions, most believers in the true God were Jews. But all through the Old Testament, starting with the fall of man, we see the promise of a Messiah.

At the appointed time, God sent Jesus, His only Son (and equally God AND man) to this world, as He had promised. Jesus, the Messiah, became the once-for-all sacrifice that ended the need for the original sacrificial system. His blood was shed when He was crucified (He became the lamb) and He ended the need for a high priest. Believers can now come boldly to the throne of grace! 

Jesus died, was buried, and rose again, and seen by many before His return to heaven. He left us with a new promise, that He would one day come again and bring all believers to live with Him eternally.

Forgiveness of sins--for all people, of all nations-- is now found ONE way: through redeeming faith in Jesus Christ.

I love this passage:

"Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ; By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also; knowing that tribulation worketh patience; And patience, experience; and experience, hope: And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us. For when we were yet without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly. For scarcely for a righteous man will one die: yet peradventure for a good man some would even dare to die. BUT God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were YET sinners, Christ died for us. Much more then, being now justified by his blood, we shall be saved from wrath to through him. For if, when we were enemies, we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, being reconciled, we shall be saved by his life. And not only so, but we also joy in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, by whom we have now received the atonement. Wherefore as by one man sin entered into the world, and death by sin; and so death passed upon all men, for that ALL have sinned....For if  by one man's offence death reigned by one; much more they which receive abundance of grace and of the gift of righteousness shall reign in life by one, Jesus Christ. Therefore as by the offence of one judgment came upon all men to condemnation; even so by the righteousness of one the FREE GIFT came upon all men unto justification of LIFE. For as by one man's disobedience many were made sinners, so by the obedience of one shall many be made righteous. Moreover the law entered that the offence might abound, But where sin abounded, grace did much more abound: That as sin hath reigned unto death, even so might grace reign through righteousness unto eternal life by Jesus Christ our Lord. (Romans 5)"

The Gospel: Jesus died, was buried, and rose again the third day. Forgiveness of sins and eternal life in heaven is found only through faith in the gift that Jesus offers.

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NOT THE GOSPEL: 

The gospel is not found in church membership. Or baptism. Or communion. Or mass. Or good works. Or giving of your money. Or because your parents were Christians. Or by following the law.

There is NOTHING we can do to earn our salvation. 

It is a GIFT. It is not earned. We cannot do enough "good" things to earn our salvation. The work has already been done! Now, true saving faith will be known "by its works"....in other words, our faith is shown by our love and works for God, but only HE can do the work of redemption and forgiveness of sins.

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      The Gospel of Grace In Our Parenting

I'm sure by now you're wondering, Where is she going with all of this?  

Stay with me, cause this is where it gets good. :) These thoughts revolutionalized our parenting and revitalized our relationships with our children.

Many parents give their children a rule (law) to obtain, blame it on the Bible, punish every single infraction of that law, and teach the child to try even harder next time.

Why is this so against the gospel of grace?

Because without the gospel, they will never be more than moral hypocrites, full of righteous pride, yet completely empty inside.

 

You see, if we cannot work hard enough to please God, why are we teaching our children that they should?

 

We are giving them the law--"Work very hard and maybe you will eventually please God and your parents."--instead of the gospel of grace: There is nothing we can DO to earn God's approval. It is ONLY through His power that we can choose righteousness.

We do right because it shows our love for Him and for others, not because it earns His approval or makes Him "happy".

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Why is this so important?

Many children are raised in an atmosphere of perfectionism.

They never measure up to God or their parent's approval.

They spend their childhood frustrated that they are never "good enough"....and these feelings carry into adulthood, causing relationship and spiritual problems.

Perhaps this rings true for you. Maybe you remember all too well the feelings of inadequacy. If you were raised under a harsh, law-filled parenting style, you can vouch for what I'm trying to say. You know what it feels like to think that ADULTS can fail, but children must be perfect.You know the pain of not measuring high enough.

I believe part of the problem is that we make the mistake of teaching our children that they must succeed at being "good" in order to meet the approval of God and man.

The truth is, they will NEVER be truly good. Instead, they will spend their life failing, seeking forgiveness, and trying again. They will need to daily seek power and wisdom from the Holy Spirit, and even then, they will still fail.

The goal, then, is not perfection. It is a right relationship with both us AND God.

With this in mind, it is SO vitally important that we raise our little ones in an atmosphere of grace, second chances, forgiveness, and restoration.

We need to teach our children that they will always fall short of God's perfect standard but that HE finished the work of salvation at the cross, and that His love for us is not altered by our behavior. Our treatment of our children should mimic His.

God wants willing hearts, not perfect actions. We must focus on their hearts, not merely their behavior.

We cannot afford the high price of teaching them a false gospel---their very souls are at stake.

Thank you for sticking with me in this long post. :) My heart longs to offer encouragement to you on your parenting journey. Blessings!

Day 8: The Consistency Factor and "Get Up" Parenting

(Click HERE if you've missed any of the other posts in the 30 Days of Grace Parenting Tips series.)

If parents have a toolbox FULL of helpful parenting tips, ideas, truths, and strategies, but fail to be consistent in getting up and making them happen, it's worse than having an empty toolbox!

Children are overwhelmed, frustrated, and downright confused by inconsistent parenting.

Say What You Mean.

Think carefully before you speak a command to your children. If you will not (or can not) follow through completely, do not give the instruction. Do not give quick commands or respond with angry consequences that you have to later retract when more time has passed and you're thinking more rationally. Instead, think carefully before you speak and make your instructions very clear.

Mean What You Say.

Now that you've given an age-appropiate command to one of your children, prepare to get up and make it happen if necessary. It's not "cute" when little ones ignore their parents, run the other way, throw themselves down on the floor in anger, defiantly say "NO!", or do anything besides obey the instruction given to them.

Once you've given clear direction to your child, don't excuse their disobedience. They're not "tired", "hungry","didn't sleep well three nights ago", "not feeling well", "grumpy", "in a phase", "cutting teeth", etc, etc--they're disobeying! (Of course, these things DO play into how a child is feeling, and a wise parent will not expect quite as much if they sense the little one is more needy. But a reasonable, simple command should still be followed.)

Take the time (and it does take time) to stop whatever you are doing and help the obedience happen.

I am not advocating for harsh treatment of little ones---quite the contrary---so let me be very clear:

You can gain sweet obedience by using many of the gentle techniques I'm sharing in this series---but none of them will work if you are not consistent.

What I am saying is this: If you have no intention of helping the obedience happen after the request is made, then DO NOT GIVE THE INSTRUCTION. And once you have given the instruction, make sure it happens.

It is quite entertaining to go to play areas at fast-food restaurants and watch parents try to get their children to leave when it's time to go. They beg, they plead, they bribe ("do you want ICE CREAM?"), they get angry, they wait, they threaten to take away their birthday presents, they tell them that Santa won't come to their house.....the list goes on and on and on.

The problem isn't an unusually stubborn child.

The problem lies with an inconsistent parent.

All children will misbehave at times, but if in general, your child will not listen to you...

Check your consistency factor.

Are you giving reasonable requests, taking into consideration the child's age, maturity, hunger, etc?

Are you making sure your child is looking at you and hearing you clearly?

Are you getting up and immediately helping the obedience happen?

If a consequence is appropiate, did you communicate and teach that beforehand so the child knows what to expect?

Are you changing consequences on a whim because you're too lazy to be consistent?

If your child KNOWS that you will consistently stop what you are doing in order to follow through with whatever you asked your child to do, THEY WILL LISTEN when you speak. :)

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Don't sit around on your backside, lazily, haphazardly giving commands and expecting them to happen.

Get.Up.And.Help.It.Happen.

Here's a list of "action" commands that work wonderfully with "Get Up" parenting:

Come to Mommy, Go to Daddy, Stay in your seat, Sit down on your bottom, Put down the markers, Turn off the T.V., Put on your seatbelt, No feet on the couch, Drinks stay on the table, Stay on your blanket, Pick up your toys, Stay in your bed, Put your head down on Mommy's shoulder (for training a younger baby), Do not climb on the table, Sit down in the bathtub, etc, etc, etc

These are action commands because they are not in any way relative----you can say it once, and then get up and help it happen immediately.

(I have another technique for some of the more relative commands.)

Just a note---with little children under about 2, most of the time I say the active command AND help it happen simultaneously. I will say, "Johnny, sit down for snack time." while sitting him down on his bottom. Or I will say "Sarah, it's time for naptime." while laying her down in her bed. You can say, "Michael, go to Daddy!" while holding his hand and walking him over to Daddy, or "Jane, pick up your toys." while handing the toy to her to drop in the toy box. In this way, you are actively reinforcing your commands with the obedience. It is non-threatening, and little ones learn to obey your words because they have always had to. :)

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Just for fun, let's go back to the restaurant scenario. I'll share how I handle this situation. :)

First, teach, train, and disciple.

Before you get out of the car to go into the restaurant, get eye-contact with your little ones and explain your expectations clearly.

"We are going to eat all of our food before we play in the play-area. Then you can play and have fun! You may NOT hit any of the other children that are playing, even if they are not being nice to you. Tell Mommy if they are not kind and I will help you. If you hit anyone, you will be all done playing. Now, when it is time to go home, I will call you. What do you need to say to Mommy when I call you?"

"Yes, Ma'am!"

"That's right! When we get into the van, I have gum for everyone who listens and obeys. If you do not obey Mommy, when we get home you will have to stay in the kitchen with me while the other children watch a video. But I know you are all going to obey! So let's go have fun!"

When it is time to go home, give a 2 minute warning to the children.

Then announce that it is time to go home. I usually say, "Bergey Bunch, it's time to load up!" ;)

Praise each child that comes quickly. Once they are all buckled into the car, give a treat to each child that obeyed. Follow through with a consequence for any child that did not come.

NOW, even with all of these steps, some little ones will not want to stop playing. Especially 1, 2, and sometimes even 3 year olds. If you already know your little one will probably not come when you call them out of the play area, DO NOT CALL THEM.

Why? Because you shouldn't give a command unless you can and will follow through with it! If you don't plan on climbing up the slide to pull them out of the play area, don't even give the command. :))

Instead, when it is time to go, watch for your little one to down from the play area. Calmly and quietly walk over to them and, with a hand on them, say quietly in their ear, "Little buddy, it's time to go home now. Let's get your shoes on!" and see if they will willingly come. If they start to fuss or run, you are within arms' reach to follow through with getting them to the car. You are still teaching them that you mean what you say and that when you say it's time to leave, it really IS time to leave. :)

If there are any obedience issues, go home and ROLE-PLAY over and over again, until you are ready to go back to the play area and try again. :)

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The key is to be completely consistent---Say What You Mean, Mean What You Say, and Get Up and Help It Happen.

Every day.

All the time.

Both parents.

Even when you're tired.

Especially when you're on the Internet.

And when you're talking on the phone.

And even when you have followed through for the 100th time today---do it one more time! :)

Be consistent always.

Tomorrow I'm hoping to share "The Outlasting Technique" with you. It's very helpful when "Get Up"approach isn't appropriate or doesn't work. :)

Blessings, dear friends, on your parenting journey!

Day 4: Think on THESE Things---Your Thoughts Matter!

(Click here if you've missed the other posts in this series.)

30 Days of Practical Grace-Parenting Tips

Day 4: How Does God Want Us To Think (And Talk) About Our Children? 

Philippians 4:8: "Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things."

Many dedicated Christians are guilty of applying Philippians 4:8 to everybody and everything...except those they know best: their family. 

Some wives will complain about their husbands, in a flippant way, to other women (when he's not around to defend himself). 

(I'm sure many men complain about their wives, but I'm not usually around to hear any of that....so I'll leave that one to the men's blogs.) :)

What I want to address today, however, is the way many mothers will think, act, and talk negatively about their children.

I'm sure it's not a conscious decision mothers make, to tear down their children. 

It's just acceptable in our society.

After all, children are such an inconvenience, such a bother, such a hindrance to our lifestyles.

So much so, that we abort them at alarming rates. 

Now you're probably thinking, wait just a minute, Selina!  I'm a Christian! I would never condone the murder of innocent children!

Probably not.

But do you have a spirit of abortion in your home?

Do you treat your children as if they are a bother? 

Have you ever said NO to the Lord's prompting for more children because it might change your current lifestyle? 

Do you complain about your children to your husband, your sister, or your best friend? 

Are you wishing away their childhood so you can finally "have some time to yourself"?

Are you flippant about your children ("my kid" this or "the little brat" that)?

Maybe you don't openly talk negatively about your children.

Maybe the problem lies deep within your heart, in your thought life.

They're too "needy". Too "stubborn". Too "strong-willed".  Or maybe there's just "too many of them". 

You wake up dreading the day, knowing how much you will have to give to your children.

Before you defend yourself :) (something we all like to do, myself included)........take some time to really think.

Are you dwelling on the "pure", "lovely", "praise-worthy" attributes of your children?

Or are you swapping "Let me tell you about my kids!" stories at the local play date?

Do you FOCUS ON THE POSITIVE aspects of motherhood, and your children in particular---or are you dwelling on the negative, hard, challenging, difficult parts? 

Because God's Word is clear.....we are to be thinking (and therefore talking!) about the good.

I'll be honest, this is a topic that bothers me sometimes. Maybe it stems from years of infertility, maybe it comes from holding unwanted, abandoned, neglected children in my arms......I don't know.

I just know that I'm exhausted of the way Christians are talking about--and therefore treating---their children. 

Most of the time it wouldn't inspire anyone to desire to have what "they've" got. 

I don't care if they're not sleeping through the night. It doesn't matter if they're getting into everything. The Bible doesn't become null and void because they've reached the "terrible-two's" or adolescence.

"Lo, children are a heritage of the Lord, and the fruit of the womb is His REWARD."

God calls children a heritage. A reward. A blessing. 

Your children are hand-picked by GOD Himself---and He makes no mistakes. 

You see, the Bible also says, "As a man thinkest in His heart, so IS HE." 

Our thoughts MATTER because our actions will follow our thoughts!

Have you ever found that the more you complain about something, the more you are annoyed by the situation?

It's that way with our children, too. If we are thinking of them as blessings and talking of them as a heritage, we will soon be acting as if mothering our children was one of the greatest rewards on earth.

Because it is. :)

The more we CHOOSE to see the "good" in each situation, the more GOOD there will be! :)

True joy in motherhood comes from within. It is not affected by the circumstances, the trials, the valleys of the journey, because its peace is found in knowing that what we are doing matters. It's important. It's valuable. 

Mothering your children in a way that points them to Jesus is the absolute most important thing you will ever do in this life. 

Yes, it's exhausting. Self-sacrificing. And surely under-appreciated in our generation.

And YES, it's tempting to complain about it, to groan under the weight of it all. 

Jesus said the world will know we are Christians by our LOVE. 

And LOVE "thinketh no evil". 

Would anyone ask you about your faith in God, simply by watching you parent (or listening to you talk about) your children?

The next time you're tempted to think a negative thought about one of your children, let God "take every thought captive" and think about one of their positive aspects instead. 

Determine to share something sweet, something funny, something creative, something amazing about your child with others.

Focus on the positive.

If you're having trouble dwelling on the negative, wait until they're asleep, and then crawl into bed with them. 

Listen to them breathe. 

Smell their soft little head.

Remember what it was like the first time you held them in your arms, the first time they said, "Mama!", the first time they took a step....

Let Jesus fill you with a love so deep, so unconditional, so compassionate, so FULL OF GRACE that it could only be from HIM.

And then "think on THESE things".

Blessings, sweet friends, on your parenting journey! (and thank you for the overwhelming feedback regarding this series!)

Surrender

I have been praying for some time that the Lord would give me a word for this year.

I love it when I'm praying and I hear Him so clearly. That still small voice. The sweet fellowship back and forth with my Lord.

Sometimes the answer comes easily, quickly. Sometimes He wants us to persue Him over and over again until He releases the answer.

Either way, it is beautiful communion with the God of Heaven, the Savior and Lover of my soul.

Last week, He gave me this word:

SURRENDER.

At first, I was confused.

I thought I had already surrendered to His will and way.

Why then, the word surrender?

The answer came in Romans 12.

"I beseech ye therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies.....

A LIVING SACRIFICE....."

Surrender to God is not just a one-time deal.

Yes, on the day I gave my life to Jesus Christ, I surrendered my will to His.

I became His child and His servant.

But surrender must be a daily act of laying my life on the altar.

"A living sacrifice". Alive in Christ, yet dead to myself.

Surrender means dying to my wants and meeting the needs of another instead.

In "momma terms", it means cleaning up the vomit with a smile.

Holding the raging child without getting angry.

Getting less sleep because the laundry isn't fininshed.

Staying calm and patient in the chaos.

Taking the time to train my children and pour my life into meeting their needs (when sometimes I'd rather just.be.lazy).

Following my husbands leadership, even when I love to "take charge".

Forgiving those who have hurt me, not because it's easy but because I'm DEAD anyway. (Ever notice how dead people don't get offended?)

This year, I'm going to focus more on full Surrender to the Lord and His daily plan for my life.

What are some of YOUR goals for 2013?

Do you have a special word or thought you're meditating on this year?

I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments below!

Thank You and Changes

Dearest Friends and Family,

Thank you to those of you who prayed and encouraged our hearts last week.

We faced some really big decisions that affect our entire family's future.

There is an amazing peace from God that we made the correct decision. We are facing some pretty major changes coming our way this next year and we are extremely excited about them!  I wish I could publicly share all that the Lord has been doing in our lives.....but this blog is just that: public. And I need to wait a little longer to share all the details. :)

One change that I can share is that we had to put our adoption plans for Africa on hold. Our hearts are still just as passionate about orphan care as they ever were, but we won't be pursuing an international adoption right now.

Our God loves us, His unworthy children, so much more than any of us deserve. The immense joy that comes from wholehearted, abandoning faith is beyond description. Just when our hearts were aching because of our change in adoption plans, the Lord opened some doors we had been praying fervently about for quite some time! His ways are not our ways, and I'm thankful.

I know I've started several series over the past few months, and I'm doing my best to work on each one as time allows. We had company for almost 2 weeks in November and that, combined with the heavy decisions on our hearts, has made my blogging time next to nothing. :)

I've had many requests for some practical examples of Grace Parenting, as well as more detailed posts on the older child adoption series. My goal is to work on both series in the next two weeks. Stay tuned and thank you for your prayers, encouragement, and patience. :)

With Love,
Selina

Decisions and Prayer

My husband and I will be making some very major decisions this week. These decisions affect our entire lives.

I'm not at liberty to share all of the details just yet. When I am able, I will gladly share.

In the meantime, if you are a believer, would you lift the Bergey family before the throne of grace this week?

We are praying specifically for direction, wisdom, clarity, and complete surrender.

Thank you, dear friends.

Grace-Parenting, Part 3: Momma's Heart Matters

Remember back before you had children, when you would see a child at Wal-mart, throwing themselves on the floor in a full-blown tantrum over the candy isle....and you would think to yourself, "MY children will never act like that!"???

I was like that, too. :)

I began my parenting journey determined not to raise "Wal-mart brats". LOL

In all seriousness, though, my passion became my downfall.

As I began to share earlier in this series, I had a huge paradigm shift a little over a year ago.

You see, the way we respond to our children comes from what lies deep within our mothering heart.

The attitudes of your Momma heart highly affect your parenting style, and the choices you make in dealing with your children.

It's like the tea-bag illustration: When the water is boiling (and your children are misbehaving!), what is inside the tea bag (your HEART!) WILL come out.

How we view our children, the way we think about them, the plans we've made for them, and the responsiblity we take for their actions all play into the parent-child relationship and affect our choices for discipline.

Our thoughts matter, and the way we think matters.

We need to constantly evaluate the thoughts of our hearts, to see if they line up with Biblical principles regarding our children.

Tonight, I want to share one of the little "golden nuggets" of thoughts that, when I discovered it, revolutionalized my parenting:

It is not my job to MAKE my children obey, but it is my job to HELP my children obey.

At first glance, this may not seem like such a big statement, so I'll explain in today's post why this helps me with Grace-Parenting and next time I'll show you how I apply this in our day-to-day life.

Children should obey their parents. God instituted the authority in the home----and the children are clearly not in charge. Let me make it clear that I believe this and our children understand it to be true in our home. :)

That being said, I do not believe I need to "win every battle" with my child, because I am no longer at war with my children. So many Christian parenting books/teachers will push this thought: Win the battle of wills with your child because otherwise you'll "lose" the war.

The problem with this style of teaching is that it immediately puts you and your child on OPPOSITE teams. It is a "you vs. them" mentality. This drives you to be "on guard" for mistakes, disobediences, etc, because you have to "win" this elusive WAR against your little child. With this mindset, discipline naturally becomes harsher, swifter, and less understanding. Momma is afraid to extend grace because surely GRACE won't win the war??!!

On the other hand, let's look at the thought above again:

It is not my job to MAKE my children obey, but it is my job to HELP my children obey.

Instead of thinking it is your job to MAKE your child obey, focus on the fact that it is your job to HELP your child obey.

----MAKE says, "Do it now because I said so."

----HELP says, "Let's do it together."

----MAKE puts you at war, on oppostie sides of the battle.

----HELP puts you as the coach on the same team.

----MAKE encourages harsh discipline when the little one doesn't instantly obey.

----HELP encourages help instead of harsh discipline.

----MAKE means Momma is personally offended when the child chooses disobedience.

----HELP means Momma can embrace the opportunity to guide her child towards obedience.

----MAKE teaches the older children to be harsh with the younger ones when they don't listen to them.

----HELP teaches the older children to be kind, gentle, and patient with their younger siblings.

----MAKE leaves Momma feeling frustrated and guilty when the "battle" is over.

----HELP leaves the Momma and child working together towards sweet obedience.

I am mostly talking about the five and under crowd when I'm using "help" vs. "make". By the time most children are school-age, they have learned basic obedience or are easily motivated by creative consequences. There are times, however, when HELP is still the best discipline tactic for the moment, even with older children. :)

The next time your little one disobeys a direct command, take a deep breath (breathing always seems to help, lol!). Then, while you decide what course of action to take, remember these words:

It is not my job to MAKE my children obey, but it is my job to HELP my children obey.

When Momma's heart is filled with gentleness, long-suffering, kindness, forgiveness, patience, and a willingness to HELP, it is much easier to teach her children to obey. :)

Next time I'll share some practical illustrations with both our young and older children on this topic.  

Worth Sharing...

---Brent posted this on his Facebook status this afternoon. It stirred my heart, reminding me of the why behind what we're doing. I wanted to share it here, too.---

An adopted child doesn't depreciate like a car,

doesn't wear out like clothes,

isn't short lived like a nice meal.

 He or she lasts far longer then a retirement pension

and gives so much more than a 401K.

He or she DOESN'T even HAVE to have a college education to be happy,

he or she just needs you.

He or she gives far more warmth than a fur coat,

is far more worthy to root for then your favorite sports team

and is far more thankful than the movie star you dream to meet.

The adopted orphan is better to cuddle up to than your favorite book on a cold day

and is more lovable than your favorite pet.

Your orphan is far more rewarding then what you had planned before you adopted them.

Now... go get them.

What are you waiting for?

PART 2 of The Good, The Bad, and The Downright Ugly: Realities of Older Child Adoption

In this post I finally began blogging about some of the harder aspects of Johanna's adoption.

I started with Birth Order and the affects of adopting a child that instantly became the oldest of our seven children. Truthfully, this aspect of the adoption was more difficult for our biological children than it was for Johanna. She seems to enjoy being the oldest most of the time. (occasionally she is very sad that she wasn't a baby when she was adopted)

Today, I'm going to talk about the "negative" (in quotes on purpose, because clearly these behaviors were unavoidable in the beginning) BEHAVIOR issues we've faced so far.

Johanna spent 14 years in a public institution. She was fed and kept warm and clean, but she was not nurtured, loved, or disciplined. Our children's moral compass is set in motion by the parents and without that ruling sense of right and wrong, it becomes all about survival. The behaviors I'm about to describe are a direct result of years of neglect, abuse, and self-preservation.

This is the Johanna at the beginning of our journey. Many of these behaviors have been overcome by lots of love, hard work, and perseverance; some of them still remain, but we're working on them. :) I'm going to list the behaviors, then highlight and explain some of them.

Social Behaviors:

Lack of eye contact with adults

Inappropiate contact with men (this only happened a few times, hugging men at church, etc)

Running around wildly

"Spacey" look in her eyes

Overstimulated easily in public places, ie Wal-mart or church, amusement parks, large groups of people

Inability to play with other children, especially with regards to role-playing or group games

Lack of appropiate "stranger" boundaries/bonding outside the family

Physical Behaviors:

Hitting

Sensory processing difficulties

Inability to "read" her body's signals and needs (ie hungry, thirsty, tired, overstimulated, need to use the bathroom, etc)

Self-soothing behaviors like rocking, nail biting, fingers in her mouth, head banging, scratching (until she would bleed!)

Difficulty "calming down" once stimulated; bedtime was a great challenge for many months

Coordination challenges, such as jumping

Struggled to tie her shoes

Hoarding of her things (EVERYTHING she owned was kept on her bed for about 6 months and NOBODY was allowed to touch it)

Cheating with schoolwork

Emotional Behaviors:

Anger when told "no"

Inability to control her temper
 
Uncontrollable crying, screaming, or raging, depending on the situation

Toddler-like emotions: giddy when excited, throwing herself on the floor when disappointed

Only coping mechanism for stress: RUNNING AWAY FROM IT---literally running and hiding

Defiance

Habitual (daily) lying

No empathy for others

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Quite the list, isn't it?  The thing is, Johanna is not just a list of behaviors. She's the product of her upbringing. We can't erase those years but we can help her begin to heal. And we are SO PROUD of how far she has come in just a little over one year. :)

I will be honest and say that if someone had showed me this list of behaviors before I traveled for Johanna, I would have been very overwhelmed. I'm so thankful now that we stepped out by faith and trusted the Lord's leading and not "man's" intuition. :)

I expected many of these behaviors, but a few really pulled the rug out from under me. We've been through some dark days but the "SON" is still shining in our hearts.

In the next few posts, I will try to "highlight" the most challenging moments of the past year, in the hopes that our story can educate, equip, and encourage other families to not only consider one of these precious older children, but also to persevere when the "going gets tough". :)

Next posts will cover "Teaching Through the Communication Barrier", "Defiance and Discline", "The Reality of Raging and Grief" and more. Please feel free to comment publicly or email me privately if you have a question you'd like to see addressed in this series.

God's Upside-Down Kingdom

Sometimes, life is hard and we feel like crying.

 

(Alyssia needing some Mommy-love after an "owie".)

The past few months have been very challenging for our family.

And I have cried. And prayed. And not shared a word about it on my blog because I want this to be a haven. A refuge for weary moms. An encouraging word for adoptive families. Not a place where I complain.

But that's not really fair, is it? To only share the really-great-cute-as-a-button-perfect-family pictures and posts but leave out the so-exhausted-I-don't-know-if-I-can-get-up-tomorrow-and-do-this-again pictures and posts?

I'm still torn---between baring my soul to the world and protecting my family's privacy delicately.

But I did want to share this........maybe because I need the reminder right now more than anything. :)

In God's kingdom, everything is upside-down from what the world's kingdom offers.

In God's kingdom, the first will go last and the last will go first: I don't need to be the best or the first, or worry for a second what place anyone else holds. Being last is God's way.

In God's kingdom, to get you have to give: I can be "on empty" and still give one more time. It's not about what I can get out of it, it's about what I can give. God can give THROUGH me.

In God's kingdom, the servant is the leader. I can lead the best by serving--even if no one else notices.

In God's kingdom, the road less traveled should be the highway for Christians. God is calling me to something greater than my dreams and plans---and harder, too.

Sometimes we paint a rosy picture of Christianity and we fail to tell the world that true discipleship requires our ALL.

God asks us to be willing to give up everything dear to us, to hold nothing back, to love and serve Him with abandon.

And that means that life will not always be easy. In fact, it might be extrememly lonely, full of heartache and trials, and quite opposite of what our ideal might look like.

It could be that, like with Job, God has allowed some horrendous, mind-boggling painful trials to sweep down on your life like a whirlwind and you can't even catch your breath or take a second to process the loss.

Or it could be, like with Moses, God is allowing your character to be formed through a series of ups and downs, mountains and valleys, slavery and starvation in Egypt mixed with milk and honey in the Promised Land.

Whatever your story is, remember this: GOD is the author.

And in HIS kingdom,

everything is upside-down.......

Announcing......

The entire Bergey Bunch is pleased to announce......

.....that there will soon be one (or two?) new little ones in our family!

Please join us in celebrating the addition of a little one to our bunch, arriving in 2013!We are in the beginning stages of an adoption from the Democratic Republic of Congo, Africa.

We are full of so many raw emotions as we embark on another adoption journey. Excitement, nervousness, fear, anticipation, anxiety, peace, and joy all fill our hearts at different points along the way.

But mostly, Brent and I are feeling love---sweet, overflowing, wake-you-in-your-sleep-so you-can-think-about-it-some-more amazing LOVE.  You see, we've fallen in love sight-unseen seven times before. We know how real and deep these feelings of love are. And we absolutely cannot wait to welcome another precious treasure into our family.

Just like a pregnant momma, I'm waiting.......anticipating the joyous moment when I see our child's face for the first time. Thinking about names, bedding, attachment and such things. Getting sentimental at the sight of a new baby, the smell of baby powder, or the feel of a soft, cuddly security blanket.

Unlike a pregnancy, though, where the baby remains safely near the mother's heart for the growing period, our little one is living in a country where 52% of children DIE before the age of 5. Did you read that and let it process for a second? FIFTY-TWO PERCENT.

 Oh, how it breaks our hearts to imagine a death rate so incredibly high. (Only 1% of children in the USA die before the age of 5!)

We cannot eradicate the orphan crisis alone. We know that. All we can do is say "yes" when God calls.

He is leading us to Africa, and we absolutely cannot wait to see what He has in store for our family as we joyfully welcome a new member into our "bunch". :)

In the meantime, a little bit of our hearts will continually be waiting and dreaming of our sweet little one so very, very far away......

***FAQ post to follow. :)

Open Letter to Christian Mothers

Today, when your 4 year old missed the toilet and threw up all over the bathroom, and you held your breath, wiped up the vomit, changed your little one's clothes and tucked him into bed with a trashcan securely next to his head, I want you to know that Jesus cared.

"Inasmuch as you have done it unto the least of my brethren, you have done it unto me."

Today, when you tripped over the toys that you couldn't see because you were carrying a stinky-bottomed baby, when you scraped spaghetti off the kitchen floor with a spatula and wiped up the third spilled drink of the day, when you read on Facebook of your friends going to Starbucks or getting a pedicure (and you were excited about fruit-loops for breakfast  or a 2 minute potty break alone), when the cries of "Mommy! I need you!" threatened to send you over the edge, and you stood still and acknowleged that this is indeed my life, when the mundane, seemingly pointless parts of mommyhood overwhelmed, frustrated, and discouraged you, I want you to know that Jesus knows.

"For we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feelings of our infirmities, but was in all points tempted, like as we are, yet without sin."

Today, when you sobbed your heart out in the bathroom because the remains of your long-awaited pregnancy were being flushed down the toilet--and your hopes and dreams for this precious child seemed to be flushed down with it--when you fell to your knees, only to hear a knock at the door and a little voice calling "Mommy?" and you wondered how you could possibly continue to hold it together for another minute, I want you to know that Jesus heard.

"In my distress I called upon the LORD, and cried unto my God: he heard my voice out of his temple, and my cry came before him, even unto his ears."

Today, when your newly adopted daughter refused to kiss you, when you were functioning on less than 2 hours of sleep due to jet-lag and a terrified-to-lay-in-her-crib baby, when you took your child in public for the first time and they ran around like a crazy child and people looked at you like you were insane, when you were criticized for adopting, ostracized for being multi-cultural, misunderstood by some of your dearest friends and family, brought to your knees by attachment issues the average mama couldn't even imagine up if she wanted to, and you wondered "Why did we do this? What were we thinking? How can we get through this and not lose our child or our marriage?", I want you to know, Jesus called you and has not forgotten you now.

"Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, To visit the fatherless, and widows in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world.

Casting all your care upon Him, for He careth for you."

Today, when you thought about your marriage and how far away from Cinderella's happily-ever-after it had become, when you realized that your husband spends more time in front of his computer or working on his hobbies than he does with you, when you wished he would devote more time to his family or at least acknowlege how very hard you are working each day, when you let the soft whisper of divorce creep into your mental vocabulary and you wondered, "How can I love him? How can I forgive him one more time?" I want you to know that Jesus never asks you to do something He has not done himself.

"They say unto him, Master, this woman was taken in adultery, in the very act....what sayest thou? And Jesus said unto her, Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more.

Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, Until seventy times seven.

And when they were come to the place, which is called Calvary, they crucified him....Then said Jesus, Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do."

Today, when you stopped at the pharmacy, hurried home, went into the bathroom alone, opened the box....and closed your eyes, begging God to let there be two lines this time, only to be disappointed yet again......when you then hid the box so no one would ask you about it, when you stared with longing at the pregnant women and babies who seem to be everywhere you go when you're trying not to remember that it's not you that is pregnant, when you overheard your friends complaining about stretch marks, labor pains, and sleepness nights and you ached way down deep in your soul for just the opporunity to experience these things, and when you thought you just might explode if one more person sympathetically patted your shoulder and said, "Just relax. Then it'll happen." I want you to know that Jesus knows about the desires of your heart---in fact, He put them there!---and He truly is using this painful time for your good.

"Lo, children are an heritage of the Lord, and the fruit of the womb is his reward.

But unto Hannah he (Elkanah) gave a worthy portion; for he loved Hnnah: but the LORD had shut up her womb......and the LORD remembered her, Hannah conceived.....bare a son, and called his name Samuel, saying, Because I have asked him of the LORD.

Hear, O LORD, and hve mercy upon me: LORD, be thou my helper. Thou hast turned for me my mourning into dancing: thou hst put off my sackcloth, and girded me with gladness; To the end that my glory may sing praise to thee, and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give thanks unto thee forever."

Today, when you received the kind of news that seems to stop your heart, knocks you off your feet, devastates your family and alters the course of your life forever.....cancer, death, adultery, divorce, illness, unplanned pregnancy.....when you're reeling from the shock and you wonder where God is in the midst of the storm, I want you to know, Jesus allows the storms of life to come, but never without being right in the boat with you.

"And there arose a great storm of wind, and the waves beat into the ship, so that it was now full. and they awake him (Jesus), and say unto him, Mster, carest thou not that we perish? And he rose, and rebuked the wind, and said unto the sea, Peace, be still. And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm. And he said unto them, Why are ye so fearful? how is it that ye have no faith?

But as for you, ye thought evil against me: but God meant it unto good, to bring to pass, as it is this day, to save much people alive.

....the God of all comfort; Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God."

Today, and every day, may you remember that the God who gave you life, also has a purpose for that life.

Today, and every day, may you know the intimacy of a genuine relationship with Jesus Christ.

Today, and every day, may you rejoice in whatever life circumstances you find yourself, knowing that the sweetest blessings of life come during the

overwhelming,

discouraging,

mundane,

uncomfortable,

frustrating,

humiliating,

and challenging

aspects of your life.

Homeschooling 2012 (With Three Toddlers in Tow)

Our 2012 homeschool year started this week so I wanted to take this opportunity to answer the many questions I get asked about curriculum, keeping toddlers occupied, and our homeschool schedule.

As I've mentioned before, our home is under 1500 sq feet, so I'm not blessed with a schoolroom. Our kitchen works well instead. The bookshelf in the kitchen holds our curriculum for the year and a few puzzles and manipulatives for the toddlers.

I made the switch to My Father's World curriculum this year, based on the great reviews I've been hearing from friends who've tried it, the strong Christian missions emphasis, and the appealing unit study approach--which allows me to teach the oldest three children geography, Bible, science, art, and music together .

Later in the year, I'll give a more thorough review of MFW, since we've just begun using it, but so far, I LOVE it.

The older three children are using MFW Exploring Countries and Cultures, Horizons' Math, Language Lessons (E and N), Spelling by Sound and Structure (N), Explode the Code (J), and Writing Strands (E).

Nathaniel and Eliana take private violin lessons. All three older children will be starting back to piano (I teach them) in a couple of weeks.

Confession time: I fear schedules. I truly do. While I crave routine, peace, and predictability, I still cringe at the thought of a strict schedule. Perhaps it's my perfectionist personality, ie if I'm using a schedule, I have a hard time being even one minute off schedule, lol! :) Regardless, after last year's survival year, and the chaos that three toddlers brings, I knew I needed to go back to a schedule this school year.

Can I just say that it's like a sweet breath of fresh air? Ahhh...the peace of everyone knowing what to do and when to do it. :)

I'm still tweaking a few things here and there, but for the most part, the schedule is working beautifully.

In case you can't read the picture above, here's our 2012 school schedule (with Mommy notes added, for more information!)

6:30 Mommy up, dressed, make bed (I shower at night)

7:00 Wake children, give them morning jobs (they are printed on cards they wear around their neck), Mommy dress Ethan and start breakfast. Once each child finishes their jobs, they go to the kitchen table with a book or small toy to wait for breakfast.

8:00 Devotions (older three read in their rooms, Mommy and little ones are at the table)

8:30 Math for older 4, toddlers in gated boys' room with toys (in the picture below, they were waiting to go in to play!)

9:30 School with Mommy, toddlers watch video in Mommy's room

10:00 Snack time! Everyone at the table, Mommy reads aloud/teaches

10:30 Johanna and Nathaniel take toddlers outside, Mommy does school with Noah, Ellie practices violin (she does 30 minutes in the morning and 30 minutes in the evening)

11:00 Mommy reads/plays with Noah and toddlers, older three Reading on their beds

11:30 Toddlers on Blanket Time in kitchen with Mommy, older ones doing Handwriting, etc, and doing their lunch jobs, Mommy makes lunch

12:00 LUNCH! :) and cleanup

12:30 Noah and Ethan playtime/Gabbey and Lyssie playtime, Nathaniel practices violin, Johanna works on laundry, Ellie has school with Mommy (language, spelling, writing)

1:00 Toddlers and Johanna play in girls' room (they LOVE this time, lol, because they don't normally get to go into the girls' room), Ellie plays the tablet, Nathaniel does school with Mommy (language, spelling, writing)

1:30 Younger four take naps, Nathaniel plays the tablet, Ellie works on laundry, Johanna has school with Mommy

I don't schedule after 2 o'clock right now although I've contemplated it. The afternoons are for reading, crafts, art, etc. I try to take a nap a couple of days a week for 45 minutes to an hour. It recharges me and I look forward to the "down time". :)

I do wake the little ones by 4 if they're not already up, and they are all in bed around 8:30.

Here's what I use to keep my toddlers busy while letting them have fun. I keep alot of wooden puzzles, stacking toys, learning toys, pegboards, foam letters and numbers, etc, etc, on this big shelf in the hallway. The todder items stay up high........for obvious reasons! :)

And the chapter books, easy readers, Bible story books, and coloring books go on the bottom of the shelf.

I found these pink and blue buckets (they hang on a metal rod on the wall) at Ikea and use them for all the crayons, markers, scissors and pencils.

The babies, enjoying coloring and playing with stickers......

The babies again, showing off their playdoh creations! :)

One of the best tips I'm using this year (I stole it from this blog!) is to wake the little ones up, get them ready for the day, and immediately buckle them into their highchairs with a book or toy to play with. This has eliminated the huge messes they would make in the morning while I was trying to get breakfast on the table! I can turn on a CD, talk to them, and make breakfast, knowing the house is staying clean and we'll be ready for school when breakfast is over. A simple tip (and may only be necessary for those with many small children?) but oh, how it's made my mornings run more smoothly! :)

I hope I've answered all your questions in this a bit too lengthy post, but if not, feel free to ask in the comments below. I'm still learning and growing in many of these areas, but I'm more than happy to share whatever I have learned!

We are praising the Lord for an awesome start to our 2012 school year, and praying for wisdom from HIM as we seek to raise these precious little ones for His glory.