Day 9: The Outlasting Technique

(Click HERE to read the rest of the Grace-Parenting series.)

The outlasting technique is my version of isolation/time-out/time-in that I use for two reasons:

lack of emotional control or an unwillingness to cooperate.


The first reason we might use this technique is for emotional outbursts. I'm not talking about a small "I don't want to!" response---an immediate re-do will usually work to suffiently gain obedience in that instance.

Sometimes, though, little ones lose control of their emotions, out of frustration, or anger from not getting their own way.

---BABIES and OUTLASTING: 9 to 18 months

At the beginning of a baby's life, WANT equals NEED, so we don't discipline for fussing, crying, or screaming. Babies need a voice to communicate their needs. :)

Around 9 months, however, I begin teaching some emotional control---gently and consistently. When my little ones begin to arch their back and scream to get down, or scream in anger because I'm changing their diaper, etc, I make eye-contact and say "No temper! Shhh."

I will also script their emotions for them, like this: "I know you are upset because you want to play! You may play when Mommy is done. No temper." I may or may not offer a little distraction, like singing a song or tickling their toes to encourage a pleasant mood. :)

Sometimes this is enough to calm the little one down.

Sometimes it isn't. :)

When I sense that my little one is just screaming from an emotional outburst (carefully discern if the little one just needs to nurse or sleep, etc), I will OUTLAST them.

I do this by putting them in their bed and saying, "NO temper. Mommy will pick you up when you stop screaming." and walking out of the room.

I come back in about 1 or 2 minutes (even if they are still screaming), smile at the baby, and say, "Are you ready to obey Mommy now?" I pick them up and repeat, "No temper" if they are still screaming. I comfort and snuggle for a second, helping them gain emotional control if they're ready.

If they continue to scream at that point, I say, "No temper" and put them back in the crib. I repeat the process until the baby calms down willingly and stops screaming. The first couple of times it may take more time, but after that, the little one knows what I want them to do and will either stop screaming the first time I say "No temper!" or shortly after being put in their bed. :)

**A couple of words of caution:

----Some babies need help calming down and do better with an "in-arms" outlasting. This works the same way as the "in bed" technique---you just hold the little one firmly in your arms, quietly repeating "No temper. Shhh." until they stop screaming or "fighting" you.

For many children, however, the "in-arms" makes them MORE angry and they calm down much quicker in their own bed. Out of my three toddlers, two responded wonderfully to the in-bed technique and would calm down on their own and be ready to obey very quickly. The third one (adopted) cannot ever calm down when left alone so we pick her up and hold her while she gains control of her emotions. Use wisdom to not let the situation escalate unnecessarily.

----I do NOT recommend using the "in-bed" technique with newly-adopted children, as your attachment is not established enough for it to be effective and it could seem like abandonment to the child. Wait until they are older and/or home with you longer--or try the "in-arms" or "in the same room" outlasting.

---TODDLERS and OUTLASTING: 18 months to 4 years

Some toddlers still respond well to the "in-bed" outlasting, but because little ones of this age are usually quite mobile, you might find that they don't stay in their bed. (or your child just responds better to being with you.)

In this case, you can use this technique by keeping them close to you, but outlasting the unwanted behavior with some "time-in".  The behaviors I'm talking about include screaming, tantrums, or complete unwillingness to do what they are asked to do. (I usually try a re-do or gentle teaching first, but when it is clear they are not going to obey, I use this technique.)

Let me give you a sample scenario to explain how this technique works:

I tell my toddler to do something and they respond with a whiny voice. I answer back, "We don't talk to Mommy like that. Use your nice words and try that again." Instead, the whining has gotten louder, they have refused the redo and are getting more upset about what I'm wanting them to do. I get on their level (either by bending down or picking them up) and say very firmly, "You may not scream at Mommy. I know you don't want to do X, but you need to stop screaming and obey.right.now. or you will need to sit until you're ready to obey."

If they continue to scream, fuss, etc, I put them down in the same room (either on a chair or on the floor) and calmly (Mommy needs to be in control, too!) say, "Sit here. You may get up when you tell Mommy you are ready to obey." I turn away, giving them some privacy to gain control of their emotions (ever needed to get away from people in order to calm down?), but keeping them in my point of view in case they were to try to get up. I do NOT allow them to get up. :) As soon as they say, "Mommy, I'm ready to obey!", I pick them up. We have hugs and kisses, make sure all is calm, then I repeat the original command. When they have obeyed, I usually ROLE-PLAY the way the situation should have gone. We laugh and smile, and we walk away from the discipline CONNECTED.

**How is this different from a "traditional" time-out?

---It is not a punishment for wrong behavior. It is giving your child time to gain control of their emotions without giving in to their disobedience, teaching that screaming or tantruming is not acceptable.

---There is no "set" amount of time until the outlasting is over. If the child is ready to obey in 10 seconds----great! Consequence is OVER. :) If it takes 10 minutes, that is okay, too.

**Words of Caution:

---Remember that some children need help calming down and it is okay to pick them up and love on them if it helps! If they are not ready to say, "I'm ready to obey, Mommy", I put them back down and repeat the steps.

---If you are at all angry DO NOT USE THIS TECHNIQUE. It is positively useless to try to teach emotional control when you don't have any.

---The goal is not punishment, but restoration. You can show the child that you are not going to give in to the screaming without getting angry. Parental anger is unnecessary with OUTLASTING.

---OLDER CHILDREN and OUTLASTING: 4 and up

By the time most little ones are 4, tantrums or emotional outbursts are rare, especially if they've been futile in the past. :)

"Older" little ones still do occasionally have emotional moments where outlasting is an effective technique, though.

I can give a "real life" example of this as we used the technique this morning with our Noah (he's just turned 6).

Noah came into the kitchen and said, "I'm hungry, Mommy." I told him we were getting ready to leave to go to town, but that he could have a banana. He replied, "I don't care for bananas. I want a granola bar or some goldfish."

I calmly said, "No, Noah, you may not have a different snack this time. You may have a banana or nothing, because we are leaving in just a minute." He said, "But I don't care for bananas!"

I picked him up and put him on the kitchen counter. I calmly said, "Noah, I know you don't care for bananas. They're not your favorite, but we are leaving soon and Mommy wants you to have a healthy snack if you're going to eat. You may have the banana or nothing."

He continued to argue with me. (This is actually not one of my children prone to arguing at all.) Brent came in the room at this point and said, "Noah, you will not argue with Mommy. Go sit on your bed until you're ready to obey." He went. He fussed in his bed for about 5 minutes.

Then Brent and I both went into his room, pulled him on our laps and said, "Buddy, you cannot fuss and argue with Mommy. Bananas are not your favorite, but they are good for you and you need to eat them." Because he was calm and apologetic at this point, we rewarded his efforts with a compromise: "If you eat half of the banana, you may have some goldfish after lunch."

(We don't always offer the compromise, but he truly was hungry and we feel it is important to meet the needs while teaching. :))

We snuggled, he apologized, we role-played how he should have acted, and off he went with a smile.

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Outlasting also works well when a child of most any age is being defiant and just won't listen. It may not mean putting them in a chair or their bed---it may just be the actual act of outlasting that is necessary.

Outlast (which means don't give in until the child is ready to obey) the following behaviors:

--Refusal to clean or do a job. (Often I will offer help but a grumpy child will need to finish the job alone.)

--Refusal to finish schoolwork. (Again, I will offer help if it is asked for respectfully.)

--Open, repeated refusal to apologize to a brother wronged, or use respectful words. (I start with a re-do, but open refusal is outlasted.)

The child's entire world comes to a halt until they are ready to obey. I don't mind waiting---and nothing fun will happen until they obey. :)

Sometimes an older child will earn further consequences for prolonged defiance. (Post on "creative consequences" coming soon!)

**Outlasting is a wonderful technique for training and discipling an older adopted child. It often looks like a "time-in" in the sense that the child is in "control" of when the discipline is over---all they have to do is say, "I'm ready to obey."

I hesitated at first to use this with Johanna, but she responds WONDERFULLY to this technique! She can be openly defiant, but when I make her sit until she's "ready to obey" she will almost always say, "I'm ready!" within a minute or two. These children often have no concept of discipline and haven't ever been "made" to comply without manipulating, lying, screaming, etc to get out of it. Outlasting the negative behavior (along with reasonable compromises, constant re-dos, extensive role-playing, and lots of nurturing!) goes a long way in teaching them that they need to listen and obey.

I can't tell you how many times I've had to outlast Johanna, right from the very beginning. I might say, "Tell Ellie you're sorry." and she would shake her head, NO. I would repeat it. Over and over. I'd sit right next to her and not let her do anything else until she apologized. Rinse. Repeat. Redo. I'm happy to say that saying "I'm sorry!" comes completely natural to her now, but boy, did it take some serious work in the beginning, lol.

Outlasting is the process of waiting for the child to yield.

It is a highly effective way to teach even small children that manipulative crying, screaming, or defiance are not profittable.

It is, however, completely useless if the parent is angry, frustrated, sarcastic, demeaning, or out-of-control.

(Remember---Outlasting is only ONE tool in your parenting toolbox. It is not the ONLY tool. :) Don't overuse it, and don't reach for it when a simpler response is appropiate.)

Blessings to you, dear friends, on this beautiful parenting journey. :)

Day 6: Mouth Trouble, Revisited

On Day 5, we talked about Mouth Trouble and I introduced the FIRST of two good options for teaching children to use respectful words. (Click HERE to read Day 5 or Click HERE to catch up on the entire series.)

So, let's just jump right into today's tip, a second very effective way to "combat" MOUTH TROUBLES (back-talk, whining, fussing, tattling, complaining, etc).

2. ROLE-PLAY

My husband has worked as a business sales rep for years. One of the things they use to train people to be successful salespeople also works as an AMAZING child-training tool---Role-play! Who knew??!!

Role-play is acting out the behavior you are striving for at a non-confrontational time.

It is, quite literally, training for obedience.

Role-play is planned, non-disciplinary, and FUN! :)

I'll give you a couple of scenarios that apply to today's topic (Mouth Trouble), and then I will give some example of ways that role-playing can work with a variety ages and situations.

---Teaching Respectful Words to Toddlers Through Role-Play (whenever they are talking clearly, usually about 18 to 24 months is a good time to start)

---If your little one already obeys you verbally most of the time, you will not need to use treats for this scenario. If, however, you are feeling that they do NOT listen most of the time, you may need to use the treats as an added incentive. :)---

Pick  time of day when your toddler is not hungry or tired. Be happy, playful, and non-confrontational. "Johnny, let's practice obeying! Would you like a treat? (I use Jelly Beans or something small like raisins.) You would? Say 'Yes, Ma'am!'" Put the treat in your hand an hold it out to your little one. Smile big. :) The little one responds with "Yes, Ma'am" and you say, "GOOD JOB, sweetheart! You used nice words!" and hand them the treat. Then you can say, "Let's practice using our manners now. Would you like another treat? Can you say, 'May I have a treat please, Mommy?'" Toddler uses his manners and you hand them another treat. "I love it when you use your manners. Those are such NICE words." Tickle baby, smile, play a little. Then say something like, "Can you tell Mommy the "no-no" words?" Prompt them to say whatever words you do not care for them to say. (This will vary by age, but might include "NO!", "I don't want to!", "Mine!", etc.) Exaggerate the "no-no" words with them and act out a scenario in which they might use them. Then say, "Are those NICE words? No! Those are "no-no" words! Now, can you help Mommy think of your NICE words?" and prompt again. ("please", "thank you", "may I have a turn, please?", "yes, you may have a turn", etc.) Praise the little one for the use of their "manners" or "nice words" and then send them off to play. This whole training session shouldn't take more than about 3 minutes.

The next time they use one of the "no-no" words you just practiced, you follow the steps for a RE-DO, prompting them to choose to use a NICE word instead.

---Teaching Older Children Respectful Words Through Role-Play (about 4 and up)

This kind of training is more than just "talking", it's actually role-playing with acting! It's a natural, fun environment for children to learn in, and they really love it if you have a positive attitude. :)

For example, we wanted to teach our children to say, "Thank you for dinner, Mommy. May I be excused, please?" after each meal (and before they get up from the table). This is a GREAT kind of skill to learn through repetition and role-play! I would teach something like this by calling all of the children together and saying, "Okay, guys, let's practice our table manners. Everybody run to the table as fast as you can---GO!" They all start laughing and running, even the little ones. Once they're sitting down, I teach the importance of being thankful at meals, and using respect when we are asking to be excused, etc. Then I would say, "Let's practice using our manners and asking to be excused. Everybody pretend to eat their dinner now!" They overexaggerate chewing and swallowing and we're all having fun. Then I choose someone to ask to be excused. "Nathaniel, you go first. Thank Mommy for lunch and ask politely to be excused." Everyone watches him use his manners, and then we clap for him and he sits back down. One by one, I ask each child to "use their manners" and even the little ones LOVE to have a turn. This is a non-disciplinary, pleasant learning environment in which repetition is the key.

When Brent comes home from work, I call everyone back together to "show Daddy what you worked on today!" and he offers more praise and enthusiasm.

I would continue practicing this "new" skill until all of the children (age-appropiately) follow through without reminders. If we get lazy and stop doing it, I play the "obey game" again for a few days until they are doing it without being prompted.

Role-playing, keeping our expectations very clear, and frequent reminders (like a Re-do) go a long way in teaching our children appropiate and respectful communication skills.

ROLE-PLAY can be used frequently to practice any behavior skill you're working on, not just for respectful words. We have used it when teaching our children to:

--Take turns
--Resolove conflicts appropiately
--Come or Stop when called
--Sit quietly
--Clean up messes
--Say, "Yes, Ma'am" or "Yes, Sir"
--Offer (or accept) an apology to/from a brother offended
--Sit quietly at restaurants
--Not touch at grocery stores
--Calmly accept consequences to wrong behavior
--Treat siblings kindly
--Look at adults and shake their hand when offered

(Now, they don't have all of these things mastered perfectly, but we are consistently working on them and seeing continual growth, which is all I expect. :))

We also role-play before any social situation (church, dinner out, guests over, etc) as a quick reminder of what we expect....Brent and I will exaggerate rude or wrong behaviors, remind them to obey, and specify the consequence if they choose not to obey.

In review, ROLE-PLAY is a fun, hands-on way to repetitively teach appropiate behaviors to your children.

In essence, it is Proactive Training vs. Reactive Discipline.

Teach more. Discipline less. :)

Blessings, dear ones, on your parenting journey!

Alyssia: The Difference a Year Makes......

 

One year ago in China, a heartbroken foster mama and daddy said good-bye to a spunky little sparkly eyed baby. The baby they'd found 2 years before, abandoned as a tiny newborn. The baby who had slept in their bed, been comforted by their love, and charmed her way into their hearts.

 

They handed the beautiful baby girl over to her new daddy.

 

One year ago, a heartbroken little girl had her world turned topsy-turvy overnight. While she gained her "forever family", in the process she lost everything she'd ever known. The foster parents encouraged her to love your new American "baba" (daddy) but she didn't desire a replacement.

In desparation, she clung to the precious few items she came with: her clothes, her snack cup, her water bottle, and her sparkly red princess shoes. She spent hours crying in frustration that she couldn't hold all of her special things at once.

She slept fitfully, her nights filled with terror as she would awake and realize that the new daddy was still here and her foster mama was not. She would pick up her things and head for the hotel door, hoping this nightmare would be over soon.

 

The new daddy had prayed and waited for the moment he could hold his new baby girl in his arms---but naturally, she wasn't as excited as he was. Back home in America, the new mommy was clinging to every skype call, every email, every picture that was contact with her precious new daughter. Her mommy's heart ached to hold and comfort her during this difficult time.

 

Slowly, the baby girl began to accept her kind new daddy. They connected over food, over bath-time, over long walks and a soft new pink blankie.

  Just when the new normal was beginning to be predictable, the new daddy took the baby girl on a very, very long airplane ride......

 

which brought her to the arms of a new mommy. (and six fun new playmates!)

 

Having experienced the "hand-off'" once, baby girl was having none of it this time around.

 

She seemed convinced that if she liked the new mommy, even a tiny bit, the new daddy would leave and she would be abandoned yet again. So she clung tightly to new daddy and pushed, fought, screamed and sobbed when new mommy came near.

 

For a very long time... 

 

Even on "fun" days--like her 2nd birthday, the tears were still there. Especially if new daddy wasn't sitting VERY close by.

Each day the new daddy would peel the little arms off of his legs in order to leave for work.....and each evening, sweet baby girl would run to the new daddy and not let go of him all evening.

 

 

 

 

The new mommy tried very hard but it still took a long time for the sparkly little girl to start to shine through again.....

 

 

Until, finally, one day the new mommy could touch new baby without being smacked in the face....

 

 

Until one day, new baby would even SMILE with new mommy in the same room.

 
Until one day, new baby felt completely comfortable with her entire new family and the tears eased.....the fears subsided.......the night sweats went away......the nightmares and screaming were gone.

 
 And the new mommy was SO SO happy to finally be able to LOVE and be loved by new baby.
 

Welcome to the Bergey Bunch, Alyssia. Thank you for giving us the opportunity to love your sweet little self. This year has brought many changes for us and for you, but you are such a brave girl. Your spirit is gentle, kind, and so very precious to each one of us.

 

Never forget for a minute: You are so, so loved.

 

Happy 1 year Gotcha Day, Alyssia! 

 

 

Two little girlies....

These two little girlies.....

are just.......

too cute......

for words. :)

Q & A, Part 2, Your Questions Answered

(If you're just joining us, scroll down or click HERE to read about the GAME we're playing, see the wonderful comments and questions from my readers AND to leave a comment of your own! The more comments, the more questions I'll answer!)


First, let me say that ya'll have given me SO many great questions! I think I'll be working my way through these for weeks, lol.

HOW DID YOU AFFORD SO MANY ADOPTIONS SO QUICKLY?

What a fabulous question! Let me start by saying that we are not wealthy---by any means! :) Since the birth of our first child, we have lived off of Brent's income alone. When we look at our income next to the cost of our three adoptions----well, the two columns just shouldn't line up!

But God is so good. Isn't He? :)

With Gabbey, our first adoption, we used all of our tax return for the beginning fees (HS, agency fees, etc). Then we used Brent's 401K for most of the rest of the fees. Her adoption ended up being far more expensive than the other two, in part because more people traveled, but mostly because we chose a cheaper agency the second time around. The $13,000 tax credit from Gabbeys' adoption and the $5,000 employer reimbursement per adoption (we recieved a total of $15,000) were then used towards Lyssie and Johanna's adoptions.

We did receive three grants and three loans (one loan from an adoption company and two loans from our parents) for the second two adoptions. Once we recieve our final tax refund (which, ahem, could be tomorrow or six months from now, depending on the IRS) we will have paid off EVERYTHING and be completely debt free again (with the exception of our 15 passenger van and our home). This is a huge blessing, because, while we certainly would be willing to make payments for years in order to bring our girls home, we have always strived to live as debt-free as possible.

I highly recommend researching ABBA FUND, LIFESONG , JSC FOUNDATION, SHOW HOPE, and A CHILD WAITS FOUNDATION if the Lord has laid adoption on your heart and you don't have 20 or 30 thousand dollars collecting dust in the bank. LOL. I personally know families that have received anywhere from $3,000 to $20,000 in grant monies from these organizations.

Aside from having a yard sale, one dear couple in our church giving us the money for a plane ticket, and my sister giving us a check, we did not recieve any money from our church, family, or friends. I do know many, many families who are able to raise much of the necessary money through these outlets, though. We did cut out many "extras" for the two years we were needing so much extra cash for our adoptions.

Which leads me to the next question.....

HOW DO YOU AFFORD  FAMILY VACATIONS?

Our family LOVES to go on vacations (or weekend trips, overnight get-aways, or day excursions). Basically, we love to pile in our van and GO! (We even have a family song we wrote about such trips....but I digress.)

Due to the high cost of the adoptions, we didn't take a true family vacation the past two years. (We did go to Family Camp last summer, but it was very reasonably priced AND we had booked it before we decided to adopt Johanna so the money was already spent at that point.)

My sweet hubby works in Business Sales. Which means he's using technology ALL THE TIME. Cell-phones, laptop, email. It's his life during the work week. So he plans time to unplug and spend quality time with our family.

As far as actually affording the vacations, well, maybe I can get Brent to write a post about this topic. Bartering, bargain-shopping, researching vacation spots, and getting the very best deals around are his specialty. I'll let him share more about that since he's the vacation planner and I'm the wash and then pack everything we own---and then some---into our van girl. :)

HAVE YOU EVER HAD FAMILY MEMBERS OPPOSE YOUR ADOPTIONS?

No.

Our extended famlies---even the ones who we might not be "intimately close" with---have all been supportive of our choice to adopt and our girls.

That being said, they did all know that we were really crazy about children and wanted a whole bunch. So I don't think our adoption decisions came as a big shock. :)

We have faced some negativity, but not from our family. Some people just feel the need to comment on your decisions or family size. While there is certainly wisdom in counsel (if everyone you know is saying DON'T, maybe they're right?), there will be naysayers in any major decision you make as a family.

I don't know how to say this gently, so I'm just going to say it: We don't ask permission of ANYONE  before making a biological baby, and we don't need their permission to adopt one, either. If a husband and wife have taken their family size/adoption choice before the LORD and HE has given them clear direction, then it doesn't matter what people think or say, does it? Obey God. :)

Family size is clearly a GOD/HUSBAND/WIFE decision.

IS THERE ANY REASON YOU'VE ADOPTED ALL GIRLS?

When we first started the adoption process in January of 2010, we had one girl and three precious rambunctious boys. :) Eliana had prayed for a sister for years. We obviously requested to be matched with a girl.

We reviewed about 10 files when we were ready to adopt the second time. Both boys and girls, with various special needs. I told the agency that we were hoping for a boy or girl a year or two OLDER than our two babies (who were not yet 2 at the time).

The last file we viewed was Alyssia. Our agency mis-read her information and told me she was almost 3 years old. Perfect in my mind! :) We started to fall in love and then we re-read through the fine print and realized she was another 2009 baby! I vividly remember sitting on the couch with Brent, gazing at Alyssia's picture, asking each other----can we really do THREE babies the same age?

Well, you all know what the answer was. She was ours. And OH MY we haven't regretted that decision for even a milisecond. (Okay, so there have been days like THIS ONE where I thought the virtual toddlers were going to get the better of me. :))

Johanna came about very unexpectedly, and her story is told in part HERE.

So there is no partiality for girls in our home....it's just worked out that we've adopted three of them. If we are blessed to be able to adopt again, we will more than likely bring home a boy (or two!). :)


Enough for tonight, friends. I'm getting tired. :) But keep the questions coming and I'll do my very best to answer them to the best of my ability. And thanks for reading and sharing in our story.

Finding Joy in Motherhood, Part 2, View Your Children the Way GOD Views Them

(If you're just jumping into this series, please consider starting HERE with Part 1 of Finding Joy in Motherhood.)

How can we find JOY in motherhood?

 1. View  your children the way God views them.

How does God view children?

Let’s turn to Psalm 127:3-5 to find out. God says children are an heritage, an inheritance, and a reward. If you found out you would be receiving a large monetary inheritance, would you answer people like this, “Well, it really wasn’t planned. I really didn’t want any more surprises like this. Yes, I certainly hope this is the LAST one!” How ridiculous would that sound? Yet how many times have you heard women answer this way over an “unplanned” pregnancy? You see, God sees the whole picture and HE says that children are your heritage, your legacy, your inheritance. Do you hear the positive sound to these words? God is saying that your children are not a bother, not a burden, not a trial to be endured----but a BLESSING!

We wouldn’t dream of criticizing a family who received a large monetary inheritance but think nothing of giving our opinion that a large family should “stop having kids!”. God is the creator of life and everything HE creates is GOOD!

 I Samuel 1: 5, speaking of Hannah and her husband Elkanah, says, “But unto Hannah he gave a worthy portion; for he loved Hannah: but the LORD had shut up her womb”. I remember reading this verse for the first time during my period of infertility and I found such comfort in the words, “But the LORD had shut up her womb”. You see, dear sisters, if God SHUTS the wombs of women, that means He also OPENS them to create life. And if God is creating a new life through you, whether it’s your first or your 20th, whether it’s on your time-schedule or HIS, what a gift, what a blessing, what a HERITAGE!

Jesus, during His earthly ministry, was often approached by small children. I can so vividly picture one such event in my mind……Jesus had just came into Judaea after preaching and teaching in Galilee. The Bible tells us in Matthew 19 that “great multitudes followed him; and he healed them there.” Can you imagine how tired Jesus might have been after literally spending all day teaching and healing the “multitudes”? The last of the multitude fades into the distance and the sneaky Pharisees snatch up their opportunity to plague Him with their “spiritual” doctrinal questions about divorce and such. At the end of the day, some parents tentatively bring their littlest ones to Jesus, asking for a blessing. The impatient disciples, who, by the way, didn’t turn the multitudes OR the Pharisees away from Jesus, REBUKE the parents. Can you imagine what they might have said? “Jesus is exhausted. He’s spent all day MINISTERING. He doesn’t have time or energy left for your little ones. Besides, they’re not that important in the Kingdom!”

But OH, then Jesus puts His hands up and says, “WAIT!” Matthew 19:18 tells us what Jesus said then, “Suffer the little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven.” Our Lord and Saviour, the God of the universe, knelt down, picked up these precious children, and held them in His arms. He took time for them, even when He was exhausted. He told all those who were near that it wasn’t the adults in the multitude, it wasn’t the wanna-be spiritual Pharisees, NO, it was these precious little CHILDREN that made up the kingdom of heaven.

God created your children, God calls them a blessing, and He says they’re important! Sharing God’s view of your children is the first step to finding true joy in motherhood.

Adopting the older/younger child at once

I received this question from Cindy today:

"So, if you adopt a younger one and an older one at the same time and they take comfort in each other,  how do you stop the younger one from attaching to the older one out of sheer survival in the beginning? I hope that makes sense. Thanks, Cindy"

This is a great question, and one I wouldn't have thought of addressing.

First, let me say that while we technically adopted Johanna (14) and Alyssia (2) at the same time, they actually came home six weeks apart, with Johanna being first. I had to finalize Johanna's adoption before her 14th birthday and Alyssia's paperwork didn't go through in time to travel for them together.

However, most of what we did would apply to a family adopting two at the very same time.

Gabriella (2) did come along for the trip to adopt Johanna. They certainly did not bond :). Gabbey was fussy and out-of-sorts and doesn't like for anyone to take care of her needs except Daddy, Mommy, or Ellie. She would smile and play a bit with Johanna, but since Johanna didn't know English or truly how to play with a baby, they didn't connect on any deep level.

Johanna was very excited to learn that we were bringing home "another Chinese sister" just a few weeks after she joined our family. I knew she would probably feel a deep connection to Alyssia and in a way, I was glad she would have a little "buddy".

BUT

Alyssia grieved hard and rejected Mama completely. And was more than happy to bond with Johanna immediately. She would literally scream if I touched her and run to Johanna (or anyone else who was near).

So, not only was I dealing with two newly adopted girls, but a younger one who would not even smile while I was in the same room for weeks and weeks.

I remember posting over on RQ that I felt the need to keep Alyssia away from my older girls until she had accepted me at least a little. Some were supportive, while others stated that I should allow the situation to "play out" since they would all be siblings in the end. I disagreed with that then and even more so now. I needed to bond with both girls before allowing them to bond to each other.

We did separate and severely limit the amount of play/snuggle/alone time either of the older girls had with Alyssia for a couple of months. Lyssie became "Mama's buddy" and where I went, she went. If I was washing dishes, she was on the counter. If I was doing laundry, she was on top of the dryer. If I used the bathroom, I carried her along with me. I fed, dressed, and buckled her into the carseat. (When Brent came home, Alyssia wanted nothing to do with me again, so he took over the bedtime routine for awhile.)

It certainly would have been so much easier to allow Johanna to care for and occupy Alyssia, but I was afraid that both of them, in their needy state, would bond with each other and not find the need for Mama. Alyssia would reach for Johanna and cry for "jie jie" and it. was. hard. On all of us. For about two months.

Slowly but surely, our sweet beautiful Alyssia started to accept me (the whole "parent rejection" thing is another post altogether) and at the same time, we allowed Johanna to be with her more. They definitely feel something special for each other and it works out wonderfully, because Eliana (9) and Gabbey have a deep sisterly bond already, so both older girls have their baby. They are responsible for buckling each baby girl into their carseats and taking care of them in the van. Often, the older girls will bathe and/or dress the little girls, do their hair or take them to play. The buddy system works great now.

Communicating with the older child that "the little one needs to learn to love Mama first" can be hard, especially with the language barrier. We used google translate and lots of repetitive teaching to show Johanna that Alyssia would love her soon, but she needed to be patient and trust Daddy and Mama, even when it was very hard.

Alyssia's bond with me is just precious now. She is open, affectionate, and clearly prefers me to anyone (but Brent, of course!). She no longer exhibits the behaviors that were such clear warning signs in the beginning. We are confident that as time goes on, our attachment will grow even deeper.

In the end, I'm so thankful that Johanna and Alyssia can share this special love for each other. When Johanna is feeling insecure, sometimes she will scoop Alyssia up into her arms and have a good long snuggle. Perhaps she is a tangible reminder of all things China. Perhaps it just feels nice to know someone besides Daddy and Mama loves you unconditionally.

Perhaps it is just that no one can resist Alyssia's chubby cuteness, Johanna least of all. :) 

Blogging Again!

First, my apologies to those who check in here at The Bergey Bunch regularly and expect a new post every now and then more often than once a month.

Second, my heartfelt Thank You to those who have commented publicly or emailed privately to inquire about our family. I wish I could say more than just Thank You, but sometimes there just aren't adequate words to say how I feel.

As most of you know, our family has grown alot this year. Well, obviously we've grown numerically....but we've also grown in different ways.

Our children are learning to love, accept, teach and bond with a new older sister and two younger sisters.

Our newly adopted children are learning to accept love and boundaries from a family unit.

Daddy and Mommy are learning to not only follow God when it's easy, but to follow Him when it's hard. Learning to step out into the water like Peter, knowing that HE is asking you to do so, and trusting that HE will be with you every little baby step of the way.

And while I'm spending so much of my time teaching, teaching, teaching these seven beautiful, precious souls entrusted to my care, I'm learning an important fact:

----God is using these little ones to TEACH ME.---

Sometimes the lessons are exciting, wonderful, and encouraging.

Other times, the lessons are painful, humiliating, and just. plain. hard.

I'm SO excited to share some of the lessons He's been taking me through. Unfortunately, I know myself well enough to know that it would take way too long to share in one post. :)

So, instead of one ridiculously long post, I'm going to jump--with both feet!--back into the blogging water (figuratively speaking, of course!).

I'll even throw in some of our amazing Christmas memories from our girls' first Christmas with us, jump back into my Toddler Training Series, and do a SIX MONTHS in America post on our lovely Johanna. :)

See you all soon! :)

Just Some Lyssie Sweetness

Brent took me to P. F. Changs for dinner Friday night, in celebration of my birthday. We took Alyssia along and had some wonderful time with each other AND her :)

Here's a glimpse of our little dinner companion:

We're making progress!!

I think we've turned the corner, ya'll.

After lots of this:

and alot of prayer, tears, and plain hard work.......

Our sweet, beautiful girl was completely relaxed around me today! Praising the LORD with my whole heart tonight for the hope He has given me!

We had missions conference at church last week, and Brent wanted me to stay home on Thursday with Lyssie. It was our first time being alone, and I think it did wonders for starting our relationship.

I snuggled, held and played with her all evening. It was so sweet for me to have that time with just HER. I was able to put her to bed--with minimal crying---for the first time, since she usually wants only Daddy.

Friday was a pretty good day, and Saturday and Sunday were good as well......

This was taken when she was only home a few days. You can see how empty her eyes looked at first :(

BUT!!!! Today, oh-sweet-today! Alyssia didn't cry when Daddy left, she put her arms up to me to be held, she let me snuggle her sweet little body, she came to me several times to show me an "owie", she smiled AT ME, and giggled when I played "This Little Piggy", she rolled a ball back and forth with me, AND she even let me tuck her in for "night-night"!!!!

If you're a biological Mommy reading this, you might not see the big deal. Our bio kiddos learn attachment from us when they're still teeny-tiny babies. It just comes easy for them AND us.

But it's SO important to bond with and attach to our adopted children (and them to us!), and, quite honestly, it takes HARD WORK. It doesn't just "happen" because they're placed in our home. It's a result of planned, purposeful, repeated effort on our behalf.

So when I saw the first glimmer of attachment beginning with my little one today, I rejoiced. A few days ago I couldn't even touch her without her crying! She shut me out to protect her little heart, and I can only imagine how hard this all has been on her.

It's just the beginning, but I've been down this road before, and it's SO worth the journey!

There's still ALOT of work ahead of us, but we've started down the road to love, and I'm not looking back again.

Two Weeks Home

Tonight marks two weeks that Alyssia Xiao Bao has been a part of our family. Overall, she's doing pretty well, considering her entire world was just turned upside-down.

The mommy/daughter bonding is going very slow. She definitely prefers Daddy to me, which is expected I guess. I'm doing everything I know to do, and praying she can learn to trust me. She is obviously holding back her emotions.....sometimes she'll start to smile at me and then realize what she's doing, and immediately go stone-faced again.

That being said, I'm having a hard time some days. Today was a little better, though. She actually smiled a couple of times at me and didn't fall apart when Brent walked in the door like she normally does. I can still feel her tense up if I try to kiss her or snuggle her, although she did lay her head down on my shoulder for a brief moment yesterday.

I was prepared for this, at least in my head, but I'm not sure you can really prepare your heart for the hurt of rejection. I do understand why she feels this way, but-oh!-how I long to kiss away the tears and help mend her broken heart.

Forgive my lack of blogging this week----every spare minute is spent taking care of Lyssie. We also started back to homeschooling on Monday, so my days are even busier.

In case I haven't mentioned it lately :), I LOVE my life! But my Mommy heart is sad right now, as we work through some deep emotional tunnels with our newest love.

Hopefully I'll be back to regular blogging soon!

Back to Work

Brent started back to work today.

As we expected, Alyssia was very sad. He openly said "good-bye" because we didn't want it to seem like he just disappeared.

She cried for a while, then calmed down to just a whimper and a "baba" every now and then.

For whatever reason, in her little mind, I am the "bad" guy. :) She still wants NOTHING to do with me.

I have always loved children and taught or babysat children since I was very young. I'm good with little ones, and I've had alot of practice with them. I've truly never had a child dislike me this much!

If she's playing and happy and I walk into the room, she starts crying. ANYONE is better than Mama right now---of course, Baba is best, but if he's not available, she'll cry for JieJie (big sister) or GeGe (big brother).

But Mama?

No way.

Alyssia did let me take care of all of her needs today and even held my hand a few times without falling apart.

I snuggled her at nap time, and while she fought me, and clearly didn't like it, she did fall asleep and took a good nap.

And OH, how happy she was when Baba came home! I made sure I was the one to take her to him, trying to reassure her that I'm not trying to take her from him.....

For the record, this is exactly how she treated Brent for the first week, so I'm pretty hopeful she'll grow to like me eventually.

At least, I'm trying to convince myself that she will...... :)

I do know that this is completely normal, and I did expect it to be this way. But it does hurt a little, mostly because I love her so completely---she's my DAUGHTER now!----and I'm just dying to shower her with that love.

I'll keep you updated as the week unfolds.....

Alyssia's 2nd Birthday, in her own Words

"I may be the birthday girl, but I'm not going to be happy about it!" ;)

"No, I don't want to sit in my highchair! I told you, I'm not happy about being the birthday girl...."

"Why are all of these strange people singing a funny song? And what do they want me to do with this bright, fire thing?"

"Hmmm, this is pretty tasty. (But I'm STILL not happy that I'm the birthday girl!)"

"Cake? I know what to do with cake!"

"Hasn't this woman taken enough pictures of me yet? It's just cake, silly!"

"You want me to eat YOUR cake, too?? Okay, sure! But I'm NOT happy about it!" :)

"Goodness, being the birthday girl is exhausting. And I'm not one bit happy about it, either."

Home

Brent and Alyssia Xiao Bao are home at last.

They landed in Richmond last night at 9 pm. The four oldest children and I met them at the airport, while my dad graciously agreed to babysit the little ones so they could go to bed.

She's chubby, soft and sweet. Spent the night in restless sleep, snuggled up as close as possible to her "baba" (Chinese for Daddy).

This morning, she's enjoyed playing with the other children, even giving a few hugs and smiles.

But she wants NOTHING to do with me. :)

I'm pretty sure she thinks this is the next "hand-off".....a repeat, if you will, of two weeks ago, when she was told "Here is your new baba---he loves you!" and then they were gone forever.

Now, here is the "new baba" saying---"Here is your new mama---she loves you!"

AND SHE IS NOT BUYING IT ONE BIT.

I'm taking it in stride, knowing it won't last forever.

But OH, how I'm longing to snuggle her little self. I have taken the liberty of kissing her cheek and she's just as kissable as I had hoped!

Just Some Pictures

I have alot to post about. Like about how I potty trained Ethan this week and how Johanna is doing, both the good and the bad..... About sweet, gorgeous Alyssia, and how we're all holding up without Daddy..... About the changes I've made around the house to get ready for Lyssie and the awesome deal I found at a yard sale on Saturday.....

But until I have a magical window of time to post (perhaps tonight?) I'd thought I'd show off my new baby girl instead:)

Brent bought Lyssie a pink blankie and she LOVES it! Snuggles it and rubs the corners to fall asleep.....

A Small Glimpse Into Lyssie's World

Good afternoon from Guangzhou China. Lyssie and I settled in last night at around 8 p.m. into our hotel. Selina has stated correctly that it has been a very challenging week. This has been such an emotional trip for me and even more so for Lyssie. But as I have told Selina, just when I start to get frustrated by an event that is happening, my God is faithful to remind me that my steps are ordered by Him. He has been so faithful in this journey and has encouraged me through His word and through His leading me.

This morning we went to the doctors office to get Lyssie checked out. They were very impressed by her health and demeanor. What they couldn't find wrong was a broken heart. There is no magic potion or medicine that will heal this. Love and time are the only remedy for this wound.

After visiting the doctor I told my guide Helen (who is super) to go spend time with her family today. I really wanted and want to have some time alone with Lyssie. It is really the first day I have had alone with her. We walked the streets of the island that I am staying on and held hands and walked into the shops. She was very happy with a sucker in one hand and holding daddy's hand with the other. Although, I am sure the sucker hand brought her more joy. :)

After we walked around for awhile we went to lunch at the all famous Lucy's. Lyssie has been her "normal" post adoption self, very quiet and reserved. The White Swan Hotel closed yesterday for the next year so then can renovate it. It is definitely noticeable. It is much quieter. I met some very nice people and they all asked about my story and I asked about theirs as well. It is very unusual for a daddy to come by himself. Then all of a sudden, something happened during lunch. For the first time since I have had Lyssie she smiled and laughed at me.(and no, I didn't have food stuck to my face) I saw, for the first time since the second Gotchya day...cough cough... her real personality. WOW!!! She giggled and played and ate. She gave me a big hug and a kiss. It was a LIGHT BULB moment. Praise the Lord for His goodness. He encourages us at  just the time we need it.

We walked half way back to the room and stopped. She was getting tired and wanted me to carry her. I put her on my shoulders for the rest of the way to the hotel.

Now she is in bed sleeping her little heart away. I am so thankful that she let me see a glimpse into her heart.