Our ninth child and opening up the blog again...

I closed this blog down a few months ago. I found an online attack on me and my family, and truthfully, I just wanted to hide. Maybe that's silly. I don't know. I just know that it hurt so badly to have total strangers judging the situation with Johanna...especially when they didn't even know her whole story.

Regardless, I'm a better place now. I've talked in length with Johanna, and she's very comfortable with sharing parts of her story that encourage other families through older child adoption, so I'm reopening this blog. I've removed a couple of posts regarding her time in residential care, for her own privacy's sake. If you've found this blog because you're looking for older child adoption resources or help, please email me here. I'd love to chat with you.

Remember, I blog more frequently at Perspectives in Parenting--my little spot on the net to talk about Grace, Connection, and Jesus in our parenting.

The biggest news for our family is the recent addition of our ninth child. Andrew joined our family through a disruption situation, and you can read part one and part two of his story here.

We moved into a missions house in March, and will be moving to South Africa in April! Our hearts are already there and we can't wait to begin the next phase of our ministry soon. Sometimes it seems like a dream--moving to Africa, working with orphans.

Brent and I celebrated 18 years of marriage in June. That seems like a really long time. Not in a bad way, just in a wow-it-still-feels-like-yesterday kind of way. He's helped me become a better person and I'm thankful for his love and laughter every single day.

It feels nice to hit "publish" again. :)

Blessings,

Selina

Surviving to Thriving: Refreshing Tips for Successful Older Child Adoption

I wish that parenting came with a perfect "how to" handbook. I REALLY wish adoptive parenting came with that handbook. :)

I've been asked to share what we've learned so far in our adoptive parenting journey. Most of this applies to adopting an older child, but some of it is helpful with the younger crowd as well. Johanna has encouraged me to blog these things, and I plan on getting her to participate in the series. (We've got a great plan for an interactive video, too!)

There are so many things we wish we had known when we first brought Johanna home, things that have literally made the difference between us making it or not. I'm always learning and willing to share what I've learned---so, here goes. :)

(Please remember that I'm not THE expert in this field, and that all of my advice may or may not work for you and your child.)

Let's start at the beginning with number one. :)

1. Focus on the Essentials

Often families are struggling because of a focus on non-essentials.

Here's the thing: Kindness is an essential skill.

Eating oatmeal is not. 

Respect for authority is another esssential.

Throwing toilet paper into the toilet (and not the trashcan or floor) is not. :)

Communicating needs and feelings in English is an essential skill.

Reading in English is not. 

Bonding and forming healthy attachments with both parents and siblings is an ESSENTIAL skill----Education is not. 

Yes, they need an education. Yes, we want them to "catch up". Sadly, many families focus on catching up with education MORE than they focus on catching up on healthy attachments. 

If you're more stressed about what workbook/curriculum/online program/school your child needs than you are their ability to fully communicate with you in English, you are likely focusing on the WRONG SKILL. 

And here is where you find frustrated families, because a child with no healthy attachment skills will more than likely NOT CATCH UP on their education. So you're pushing, and forcing, and stressing, and the child could care less because the skill they need most is an attachment with you, not an education.

My number one advice for families adopting an older child is for them to FOCUS ON THE ESSENTIALS. 

Early essential skills worth focusing on:

---Kindness to both people AND animals.
---Communication of needs in new language.
---Healthy sleep and eating habits.
---Family rules for chores and safety.
---Playful interaction between family members.
---Loving touch is a GOOD thing.
---Parents are primary and NECESSARY for meeting needs.

Behaviors NOT worth focusing on in the beginning:

---Public behavior (even when it's incredibly embarrassing, lol).
---Gross habits (nose picking, burping at table, wiping snot on their sleeve, etc).
---Hygiene (daily showering, changing of clothes, brushing teeth, etc).
---Food preferences.
---Unhealthy attachment/idolization of past relationships or country.
---Heart change. (More on this one later.)
---SCHOOL.

Now, of course, many of the things on the non-essential list are able to be addressed while still focusing on the essentials.

But anytime you find yourself overwhelmed or upset at your child, ask yourself--"Is this an essential skill I'm stressing about?" 

If the answer is "no", consider easing up, letting go, and returning to the essentials for awhile. :)

Christmas Picture and a BLESSING, 2014

Notice anything different from my last post about Johanna?

She is HOME. After 5 months in residential treatment, and some horrible events (which I plan to write about soon), she is doing A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!

While I believed in the power of prayer before, after this experience---I am even more convinced. We saw a definite turn of events when we openly shared about the struggles Johanna was facing and asked for an outpouring of PRAYER on her behalf.

I love the sparkle in her eyes. :)

10 Things You Wish You Knew About Adopting An Older Child

1. You will fall in love with a picture and a child a world away, and you will lay awake at night, thinking of this child and wondering about the days, months, years that you have missed. You'll wonder if you will ever truly be "Mommy" and if your love will fill the void of an empty heart. An ache will fill you down deep in your soul and it will become your necessary strength for this journey.

2. You will try to share this crazy, incredible adoption experience with your closest friends and loved ones and find their blank stares and "Are you completely crazy?" comments unnerving. They won't get it, and that's okay, because you know in your soul that you are this child's mother and you will give up trying to explain it to everyone.

3. Your "Gotcha Day" might not be filled with cute pictures you can't wait to post on the internet of  you and your new child. In fact, the hand-over will be quick, the paperwork a blur, the guide will pat your back and say, "See you tomorrow!" and you will find yourself in a quiet hotel room, alone, with a child whom you loved from afar but cannot even begin to communicate with. The newness and shock will wear off within a day or two and then reality will set in, for both you AND your child, and your world will start spinning with thoughts of "what have we done?" and "can we DO this?" and their world will be spinning with thoughts of "I'm scared!" and "I want to go back to the orphanage!" and even if you know this is for the very best you will both be struggling under the weight of the UNKNOWN yet to come. You will lie awake at night with a stranger in the room and hope you haven't just made the biggest mistake of your life. You will long for your other children, for home, for sights, smells, and sounds that are familiar---knowing all the while your child is losing exactly what you miss.

4. You will get home and things will settle down a bit. You still can't communicate much, but charades and Google Translate and baby talk will work for a while. The jet lag will just about kill you, but once that wears off, the honeymoon will begin. Your husband and other children, your friends, and your family will lavish attention on the new child, and you will breathe a sigh of relief. This may actually work after all! The smiles, the giggles, the joyful, abandoned way your child embraces new experiences will delight you and encourage you. You will stress over schoolwork and foods for awhile, then shortly come to the realization that there are far more important things to be learned.

5. You will be shocked by this child's immaturity. No matter how old their paperwork says they are, in reality they are more like a toddler. So you have to start with toddler basics---things like: sit quietly at the table, don't wipe your snot on your shirt, don't throw yourself on the floor when I tell you "no". And you will begin the long process of repeating yourself, daily. Some new behaviors will be learned quickly---but other ones will take every.last.drop. of energy you ever possessed. You will have to teach your child how to snuggle, how to seek comfort, how to need people, how to read their body signals, how to do just about every last thing. You will cease to stress over schoolwork and such and will learn to appreciate little victories---like the first time you take your child to the store and they don't crawl under the clothing racks or run around in loud circles. Or the first time they fall and get hurt and run TO you instead of AWAY from you. You'll capture the first unsolicited kiss or hug and the first "I love you" and keep the memory and sweetness of it tucked away for the next exhausting day.

6. The honeymoon will eventually wear off completely, and your child will begin to grieve and rage heavily. The immensity of the loss ("Why my China mommy not keep me? Why you not adopt me when I a baby??? Why I not see my friends in China anymore?") combined with the inability to process their feelings in a healthy way---and the language barrier---will send the child almost completely over the edge. The mourning process may be quick but it may be lengthy and you will be dealing with hours and hours of crying, screaming, raging, defiance, or running away. This child who never learned to obey will defy you at every turn. You will need to help this child all.day.long. yet will feel the guilt of not being able to meet the needs of everyone who needs you simultaneously. The new child "needs" the most so the other family members must take second place for a time. And your guilt continues. You will, out of complete necessity, pull back from EVERYTHING else in your life.

7. You will keep the "bad days" to yourself, far more than you should, simply because you want this to work and you know you're right smack in the center of God's will and you don't want to hear the "I told you so's" from the crowd of dissenters. You will fear scaring off potential adoptive families if you tell the truth about how very hard this is. You will find your entire world is turned upside down for a while, and you will wonder if life will ever return to normal. The house you used to keep spotless will become messy, the children you used to have well-trained will begin to struggle, and you will find every aspect of your life in fragile disarray.

8. Your other children will "love" this child, then hate this child, then learn to truly love this child. This process will rip your entire heart right out of your body, yet it will teach all of you about Jesus' love. You will turn into a full-time counselor, guiding precious little hearts towards choosing love and forgiveness. YOU can take just about anything, but when your other children come to you and express their honest thoughts and struggles over this new child, you will come very close to wanting to disrupt, to start over, to go back to the safety of your "old" comfort circle. You will need other adoptive friends who can encourage and equip you to carry on when the going gets tough.

9. You will choose to continue on this journey, not because it is easy, but because it is good and right and necessary for healing. You will hold the raging child for hours and hours, you will redo and script and discipline and train and repeat yourself until you think you're going to lose your mind. You will snuggle this child when it makes your skin crawl, you will love this child even though you don't even like them some days, you will drop into bed drop-dead exhausted---and then you will get up again the next day and do it all over again, because you are committed to helping this child blossom. You will not rely on your feelings, because they will be all over the stinkin' place at times, but you WILL rely on your husband, your faith, and your unwavering commitment to parent this precious child. You will dig down deep and plow ahead, KNOWING the rewards will be worth it.

10. You will wake up one morning and realize that you've both made it through the dark valley and you're finally on somewhat even ground. Your child will brush their teeth without being told, will use a napkin and manners at the table. They will not whine, cry, quit, or cheat at their schoolwork. They will seek out affection and receive it willingly. You will smile as your children play together nicely and whisper sweet secrets in the dark at bedtime. You will listen and weep as your child finally opens up about their past, the abuse, and the heart of why they are who they are. You will take a breath and realize that you no longer love the image of this child--you truly love them. And you will find that your child is not the only one who has grown during this journey---you will not be the same person as before. You will be better. You will have no regrets as you realize you would gladly do it all over again to get to TODAY.

A Letter To My Daughter On Her Birthday

Dearest Eliana Rose,

Today, February 13th, 2013, is your eleventh birthday.

I remember the moment I found out we were expecting you. It had been a long road of infertility, heartache, doctors appointments, and disappointments in the years before you. There has never been a moment in my life where I have felt such incredible joy as the first time I saw two lines on a pregnancy test. You were on your way, and I was finally a mother.

We chose your name because it means "My God has answered my prayer". You were and are a gift from heaven. You were His before your birth, you were His at the moment of your birth, and you are His still.

-Three weeks old-

Your birth was my first attempt at an unmedicated birth. Thinking about touching you, kissing you, nursing you, and smelling your newborn smell is what got me through the long labor. You were worth every ounce of pain and I would have labored forever just to experience the joy of holding my first child in my arms. From the moment of your birth, we were inseparable. Where I went, you went, for years. I couldn't stand even a short time away from your sweet little self.

-One Year Old-

You loved to nurse, snuggle, sleep with Mommy, giggle with Daddy, and play with books. Lots and lots of books. You had a shy nature and reserved your jubilant personality for those who knew you best. You were a gentle and quiet soul, easy-going and self-entertained.

-8 Months Old-

As our firstborn, you were granted "guinea pig" status. We learned so much about ourselves as we learned how to parent you. I'm so sorry for the times we were too hard on you, the times when we didn't realize how unreasonable we were being, the times when we were harsh in the name of "godly parenting". We know better now and I love watching you as you learn to parent gently by caring for your siblings. You will be an incredible, patient mother someday.

-2 Years Old-

I remember how badly you wanted to have long hair like Mommy. For a very long time, your hair just did NOT grow! We began to wonder if it would ever get long! (it finally did and now it's gorgeous!)

-Just Turned Five-

Two busy little brothers came in quick succession after you. Even though you played with boys most of the day, you were (and are) a girly-girl at heart. We stuck close together, you and I, playing dolls and tea parties. You prayed daily for a little sister....so when I got pregnant again, you were hopeful that it would be a girl.

-6 Years Old-

-Just Turned 7-

Instead, God blessed us with another boy. :)

-Ethan, One week old, Ellie, 7 years old-

-Ethan, 3 weeks old-

You continued to pray for a girl, and your dream came true the following year when we traveled across the world to meet your sister for the first time.

-Gabbey's Gotcha Week, China. Ellie, almost 9-

Gabbey melted your heart the first time you held her tiny body. She attached to you right along with Daddy and Mommy. I love it when she cries for "Sissy!!" to sit by her in the van or at meal-time. You are truly "buddies" and have been so good for each other.

BUT--God wasn't done answering your prayer just yet! Instead of just ONE sister---in just nine months, He blessed you with a total of THREE sisters!

-Sisters by adoption, Friends for life--Johanna, Eliana, Gabriella, Alyssia-

I'm most proud of you for how you've welcomed Johanna into our family. Sharing your first-born place in the family was harder than any of us imagined....and yet you gracefully and repetitively have chosen to love Johanna. You two have become the best of friends, growing into sisters in the true sense of the word. You have taught Johanna how to share, how to give sacrificially, how to treat others, and how to forgive. I want you to always remember, that even though you are no longer the "oldest" in the Bergey Bunch, our love for you in unchanged---deep as the deepest ocean, high as the highest sky, never ending, always growing.

Daddy and I stand amazed at the mature young woman you are becoming. You still have lots of "little girl play" left in you, and I kind-of hope you never lose that. :) Your innocence is radiating. I'm so thankful that you're not swayed a bit by the typical pre-teen fads, fashions, and moods.

Always remember that true beauty is not found in body-size, makeup, clothing, or accessories....True beauty comes from a genuine walk with God, and an unselfish love for others.

In our eyes, you are truly beautiful.

Our only prayer for you is that you will serve God with complete abandon. Hold nothing back--only follow Him. Let Him mold you into His perfect masterpiece. Nothing else will bring you radical, radiant joy in life.

I promise to do my best to hold your hand through life's greatest joys and trials. I will encourage you, I will help you pick up the pieces, I will rejoice with you, and I will cry my eyes out with you. I can't promise you that life will always be easy, but I know without a doubt that you will overcome the challenges that come your way. Know that I pray for you daily---always, I'm praying for you.

Happy 11th Birthday, my beautiful daughter.

I love you, more than words can express.

Mommy

Toddler Photo Shoot: Funny Out-takes :)

During our family Christmas photo shoot last week, we posed the three toddlers alone for some shots.

The out-takes tell a story all their own.....;)

"Girls, why don't you give your brother a kiss on the cheek??"

Lyssie and Gabbey lean forward to kiss Ethan.

He promptly spits in Lyssie's face. (Oh, yes he did! LOL)

Look closely at the expressions on their faces below:

Gabbey backs up from the spitter, hoping she's not about to get spit on.

Lyssie begins to pout and cry.

Ethan finds his actions utterly hysterical.

Daddy and Mommy correct the spitter and the pouter and the girls try again to give their brother a kiss.

Now Ethan's not so sure about the kissing.

"Okay, guys, how about you just SMILE instead?"

And there you have it! :)

Thank You and Changes

Dearest Friends and Family,

Thank you to those of you who prayed and encouraged our hearts last week.

We faced some really big decisions that affect our entire family's future.

There is an amazing peace from God that we made the correct decision. We are facing some pretty major changes coming our way this next year and we are extremely excited about them!  I wish I could publicly share all that the Lord has been doing in our lives.....but this blog is just that: public. And I need to wait a little longer to share all the details. :)

One change that I can share is that we had to put our adoption plans for Africa on hold. Our hearts are still just as passionate about orphan care as they ever were, but we won't be pursuing an international adoption right now.

Our God loves us, His unworthy children, so much more than any of us deserve. The immense joy that comes from wholehearted, abandoning faith is beyond description. Just when our hearts were aching because of our change in adoption plans, the Lord opened some doors we had been praying fervently about for quite some time! His ways are not our ways, and I'm thankful.

I know I've started several series over the past few months, and I'm doing my best to work on each one as time allows. We had company for almost 2 weeks in November and that, combined with the heavy decisions on our hearts, has made my blogging time next to nothing. :)

I've had many requests for some practical examples of Grace Parenting, as well as more detailed posts on the older child adoption series. My goal is to work on both series in the next two weeks. Stay tuned and thank you for your prayers, encouragement, and patience. :)

With Love,
Selina

Worth Sharing...

---Brent posted this on his Facebook status this afternoon. It stirred my heart, reminding me of the why behind what we're doing. I wanted to share it here, too.---

An adopted child doesn't depreciate like a car,

doesn't wear out like clothes,

isn't short lived like a nice meal.

 He or she lasts far longer then a retirement pension

and gives so much more than a 401K.

He or she DOESN'T even HAVE to have a college education to be happy,

he or she just needs you.

He or she gives far more warmth than a fur coat,

is far more worthy to root for then your favorite sports team

and is far more thankful than the movie star you dream to meet.

The adopted orphan is better to cuddle up to than your favorite book on a cold day

and is more lovable than your favorite pet.

Your orphan is far more rewarding then what you had planned before you adopted them.

Now... go get them.

What are you waiting for?

PART 2 of The Good, The Bad, and The Downright Ugly: Realities of Older Child Adoption

In this post I finally began blogging about some of the harder aspects of Johanna's adoption.

I started with Birth Order and the affects of adopting a child that instantly became the oldest of our seven children. Truthfully, this aspect of the adoption was more difficult for our biological children than it was for Johanna. She seems to enjoy being the oldest most of the time. (occasionally she is very sad that she wasn't a baby when she was adopted)

Today, I'm going to talk about the "negative" (in quotes on purpose, because clearly these behaviors were unavoidable in the beginning) BEHAVIOR issues we've faced so far.

Johanna spent 14 years in a public institution. She was fed and kept warm and clean, but she was not nurtured, loved, or disciplined. Our children's moral compass is set in motion by the parents and without that ruling sense of right and wrong, it becomes all about survival. The behaviors I'm about to describe are a direct result of years of neglect, abuse, and self-preservation.

This is the Johanna at the beginning of our journey. Many of these behaviors have been overcome by lots of love, hard work, and perseverance; some of them still remain, but we're working on them. :) I'm going to list the behaviors, then highlight and explain some of them.

Social Behaviors:

Lack of eye contact with adults

Inappropiate contact with men (this only happened a few times, hugging men at church, etc)

Running around wildly

"Spacey" look in her eyes

Overstimulated easily in public places, ie Wal-mart or church, amusement parks, large groups of people

Inability to play with other children, especially with regards to role-playing or group games

Lack of appropiate "stranger" boundaries/bonding outside the family

Physical Behaviors:

Hitting

Sensory processing difficulties

Inability to "read" her body's signals and needs (ie hungry, thirsty, tired, overstimulated, need to use the bathroom, etc)

Self-soothing behaviors like rocking, nail biting, fingers in her mouth, head banging, scratching (until she would bleed!)

Difficulty "calming down" once stimulated; bedtime was a great challenge for many months

Coordination challenges, such as jumping

Struggled to tie her shoes

Hoarding of her things (EVERYTHING she owned was kept on her bed for about 6 months and NOBODY was allowed to touch it)

Cheating with schoolwork

Emotional Behaviors:

Anger when told "no"

Inability to control her temper
 
Uncontrollable crying, screaming, or raging, depending on the situation

Toddler-like emotions: giddy when excited, throwing herself on the floor when disappointed

Only coping mechanism for stress: RUNNING AWAY FROM IT---literally running and hiding

Defiance

Habitual (daily) lying

No empathy for others

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Quite the list, isn't it?  The thing is, Johanna is not just a list of behaviors. She's the product of her upbringing. We can't erase those years but we can help her begin to heal. And we are SO PROUD of how far she has come in just a little over one year. :)

I will be honest and say that if someone had showed me this list of behaviors before I traveled for Johanna, I would have been very overwhelmed. I'm so thankful now that we stepped out by faith and trusted the Lord's leading and not "man's" intuition. :)

I expected many of these behaviors, but a few really pulled the rug out from under me. We've been through some dark days but the "SON" is still shining in our hearts.

In the next few posts, I will try to "highlight" the most challenging moments of the past year, in the hopes that our story can educate, equip, and encourage other families to not only consider one of these precious older children, but also to persevere when the "going gets tough". :)

Next posts will cover "Teaching Through the Communication Barrier", "Defiance and Discline", "The Reality of Raging and Grief" and more. Please feel free to comment publicly or email me privately if you have a question you'd like to see addressed in this series.

The Good, the Bad, and the Downright Ugly: Realities of Older Child Adoption

Not everything I write about is easy to share.

 

In fact, some of it is very personal and therefore very difficult to talk about in such a public way.

 

For that reason, I have waited until now, until I had clearance from the Lord and my husband, to share the deepest thoughts of my heart with you.

 

I have been approached more times than I can count about the realities of older child (and out-of-birth-order) adoption. Families want to know more than the feel good, mushy stuff that's fun to blog about. They want the GOOD, the BAD, and the downright UGLY.

 

Naturally, it is the most fun to share about the GOOD and most of what I have shared the past year has pertained to the good. :)

 

Today I will address the BAD and the downright UGLY, in the sincere hope that I can be a blessing and an encouragement to other mommas on their parenting journeys (one of the main purposes of this blog!).

 

And just because no blog post is fun without pictures, I'm including lots of pictures from Johanna's 15th birthday party this past July. :)

 

 

Let me start by saying this: Our Johanna is a treasure beyond words. We do not fault her for the challenges that accompany her adoption, because she did NOT choose to be an abandoned, she did not choose to be an orphan, and she did not choose to be institutionalized for 14 years. We are committed to being her "forever family" and are thankful for the immense blessings she has brought to our family.

There were some days this past year, where it felt like Johanna had always been a part of our family, where the bonding was effortless, where the children blended beautifully, and where we all found it easy to love each other.

But there have also been many, many days where none of the above was true......where the challenges of language and culture, birth-order and behavior, teen hormones and toddler maturity were overwhelming, exhausting, frustrating, suffocating even. Where I had to wake up in the morning and fake loving feelings for this child. Where my heart broke into a million pieces as I saw the affect she was having on the younger children. Where I wanted to scoop her up into my arms, run away with her, and start her life over so she wouldn't have to overcome so much and it wouldn't be so so so hard.

"Mommy, it's just not fair! The other children got to be with you as babies and they learned how to -----fill in the blank here with whatever we were working on----when they were little. It's just SO HARD for me to learn it now."

Please believe me when I say that we have no regrets. There is no doubt in our minds that Johanna was and IS meant to be in our family. For the most part, we've been able to see the light through the darkest days, with the exception of one very long weekend which was the one and only time the word disruption entered our vocabulary. (More about that later.) We are even more committed to making this work on all accounts than we were before we adopted her, because now we've heard her laugh, we've wiped away her tears, we've mended her hurts, we've watched her blossom---and we love her to the moon and back.

 

I want to talk first about BIRTH ORDER and how our adoption of a child older than the rest of our children has affected our family.

 

You will find most people (agencies included) will discourage "adopting out of birth order". I won't go into the science behind birth order, but I do think it's important to consider this topic.

 

Adopting Johanna immediately bumped Eliana (10) out of her firstborn position in our family. And while she completely agreed to the adoption and went out of her way to welcome Johanna and share her family with her, it was still very hard in the beginning. I remember Eliana coming to me privately numerous times to discuss this. She would repeatedly ask me, "Mommy, even though Johanna is the oldest now, will I always be the first one to come out of your tummy?" and I would reassure her over and over again of my love for her and her "place" in our family. After a TON of work, effort, guiding hearts, teaching, and loving, Eliana and Johanna are now pretty much inseperable. They play, work, dream, and plan like true sisters now.

 

One of the things I didn't think about in advance was that Johanna would get to do everything "first", before Eliana. Younger siblings are raised with the acceptance that they are not "first" in line for anything----they won't get older, drive, get their ears pierced, graduate, attend college, etc, FIRST. But the oldest child knows from the time they're little that they will be first. Especially given the fact that Johanna came to us very, very immature (therefore not earning priveleges by "right", just by "age"), it was hard for Eliana to accept the fact that Johanna would be doing "everything" before her. As Johanna has matured over the past year, and the girls have become "buddies", this has become less of an issue.

 

Nathaniel (8) has also struggled with accepting Johanna as his "older" sister. Keep in mind that for many months, Johanna acted less mature (in just about every area of life) than Eliana did. This really bothered Nathaniel and caused him alot of frustration. He takes it very personal when she is disrespectful to "his" Mommy and he felt left out and overlooked when caring for and teaching Johanna took so much of my time. Even though we as adults can completely empathize with the reasons behind Johanna's behaviors, empathy is a learned behavior and one I have had to continually work on with my children. I have been working on creative ways to strengthen Johanna and Nathaniels' bond.

 

It truly is a balancing act, parenting the various needs of each of our children, isn't it? :)

 

 

Our younger four children have accepted Johanna with open arms (well, Gabbey didn't take to her immediately, but she loves her now). Johnna came to us with ZERO ability to relate to young children. They frustrated and angered her and she even hit them a few times. This is an area where she has shown incredible growth. She is now able to completely care for the young children in our home. She can feed them, bathe them, dress them, take them potty, put them down for a nap, play with them, entertain them, discipline them (minor, appropiate reprimands when she is in charge), teach them, and love them. It's kinda scary, really----she sounds JUST LIKE me when she takes care of the littlest ones. Patience, role-playing, and modeling good parenting skills definitely paid off in this area.

 

Johanna asked me the other day, "Mommy, do you think I will be a GOOD mommy?"

 

 I truly think she'll be a great mommy someday.

Well, this post is getting long and I've barely scratched the surface of what I want to say. I guess I will just have to split this into several posts. :)

I'll close with one of my favorite pictures: Johanna and Eliana with their "best" friends, Elise and Emily. Such sweet, beautiful girls.....

In case you were wondering....

November is National Adoption Awareness month, in case you didn't know.

That means I have an excuse a reason to post even more about our Father's heart for the fatherless. :)

I'm also working on a long-awaited update post on Johanna. It should be up tonight or tomorrow. I finally feel liberty to share some of the challenges we've faced, adopting an older child out-of-birth-order. If you've been curious (or even came out and openly asked!) about how the past year has truly been, stay tuned for the next post.

Eliana (10) and Nathaniel (8) have their first violin recital this month. This means we've been working extra hard and long on their practice times. Johanna wants to play an instrument, but we don't feel she's quite ready for the violin experience.....any ideas for a very simple, easy-to-learn (maybe without professional lessons) instrument we could give her for Christmas? I would prefer something that would blend nicely with the piano and violins. We do have a penny whistle, but Johanna struggles with blowing it correctly, due to her repaired cleft lip and the damaged muscles. Ideas, anyone???

I'm headed back to my draft of Johanna's update. More later!

Alyssia: The Difference a Year Makes......

 

One year ago in China, a heartbroken foster mama and daddy said good-bye to a spunky little sparkly eyed baby. The baby they'd found 2 years before, abandoned as a tiny newborn. The baby who had slept in their bed, been comforted by their love, and charmed her way into their hearts.

 

They handed the beautiful baby girl over to her new daddy.

 

One year ago, a heartbroken little girl had her world turned topsy-turvy overnight. While she gained her "forever family", in the process she lost everything she'd ever known. The foster parents encouraged her to love your new American "baba" (daddy) but she didn't desire a replacement.

In desparation, she clung to the precious few items she came with: her clothes, her snack cup, her water bottle, and her sparkly red princess shoes. She spent hours crying in frustration that she couldn't hold all of her special things at once.

She slept fitfully, her nights filled with terror as she would awake and realize that the new daddy was still here and her foster mama was not. She would pick up her things and head for the hotel door, hoping this nightmare would be over soon.

 

The new daddy had prayed and waited for the moment he could hold his new baby girl in his arms---but naturally, she wasn't as excited as he was. Back home in America, the new mommy was clinging to every skype call, every email, every picture that was contact with her precious new daughter. Her mommy's heart ached to hold and comfort her during this difficult time.

 

Slowly, the baby girl began to accept her kind new daddy. They connected over food, over bath-time, over long walks and a soft new pink blankie.

  Just when the new normal was beginning to be predictable, the new daddy took the baby girl on a very, very long airplane ride......

 

which brought her to the arms of a new mommy. (and six fun new playmates!)

 

Having experienced the "hand-off'" once, baby girl was having none of it this time around.

 

She seemed convinced that if she liked the new mommy, even a tiny bit, the new daddy would leave and she would be abandoned yet again. So she clung tightly to new daddy and pushed, fought, screamed and sobbed when new mommy came near.

 

For a very long time... 

 

Even on "fun" days--like her 2nd birthday, the tears were still there. Especially if new daddy wasn't sitting VERY close by.

Each day the new daddy would peel the little arms off of his legs in order to leave for work.....and each evening, sweet baby girl would run to the new daddy and not let go of him all evening.

 

 

 

 

The new mommy tried very hard but it still took a long time for the sparkly little girl to start to shine through again.....

 

 

Until, finally, one day the new mommy could touch new baby without being smacked in the face....

 

 

Until one day, new baby would even SMILE with new mommy in the same room.

 
Until one day, new baby felt completely comfortable with her entire new family and the tears eased.....the fears subsided.......the night sweats went away......the nightmares and screaming were gone.

 
 And the new mommy was SO SO happy to finally be able to LOVE and be loved by new baby.
 

Welcome to the Bergey Bunch, Alyssia. Thank you for giving us the opportunity to love your sweet little self. This year has brought many changes for us and for you, but you are such a brave girl. Your spirit is gentle, kind, and so very precious to each one of us.

 

Never forget for a minute: You are so, so loved.

 

Happy 1 year Gotcha Day, Alyssia!