Day 1: Start at the Beginning

Do not wait until your little one is 2 years old to begin to teach obedience. The first 2 years offer many opportunities to teach and train your baby to obey Daddy and Mommy.

 It's always best to start at the beginning. :)

Little babies are just that---BABIES!---and should be cuddled and cared for with infinite gentleness.

I am not advocating harsh discipline of these little ones, only gentle, consistent training.

I believe in a strong, intimate attachment between parent and child that is encouraged by breastfeeding (when possible), responding quickly to baby's needs, a healthy daily routine, and the give and take of gentle discipline.

Between 6 and 12 months, you can start to teach your baby to:

---Look at you when you need them to listen. Gently turn their head to your voice and say, "Look at Mommy!" Even if they don't understand exactly "what" you're saying, they can start to learn to make eye contact with you. Parents teach "patty-cake" and "peek-a-boo", "so big" and "the wheels on the bus".....in the same way, you can teach "Look at Mommy!" by making it fun, repetitive, and a simple part of daily life. :)

---Sit on your lap without arching their back to get down. Of course, sometimes a nonverbal little one will communicate by trying to slide out of your arms, and if you're not needing them to sit at that time, you could let them down, but you can also teach them "no-no, sweetie, sit on Mommy's lap". Don't expect long periods of time just yet, but they should be able to sit through a short children's book or a simple meal without screaming or squirming to get down. :) (If they DO scream, outlast them. Do not let them get down until they are quietly sitting on your lap. An unwavering hold and a firm voice quietly saying, "sit with Mommy" will help the little one yield.) Begin now to teach your little one to sit on your lap. You will be able to sit at nice restaurants, doctors appointments, and such, without your baby screaming to get down and explore.

---Understand the meaning of the word NO. We use "No touch" or "not for 'baby'". Young babies need to explore their environments, but there will always be a few things in their reach that are not for them to touch. Redirection is certainly appropiate at this age, but don't forget to teach while you're distracting them. For example, baby crawls over to the t.v.. You can say, "Baby, look at Mommy's eyes. No touch. That's not for baby. Here is a toy just for you!" with a smile and a redirection, all while still teaching simple obedience, beginning listening skills, and eye contact.

---Use basic signs to communicate their needs. Baby sign language relieves frustration in nonverbal babies! Teach them "please" and "more", "drink" and "eat", etc by using the sign while you say the word. Once your baby demonstrates that they are fully capable of using the sign for what they want (different age for each child), require them to use the sign. (Use wisdom here---if the baby is tired or really hungry, don't use that as a training time. :)) But if they start fussing for "more", don't give them more until they sign for it. Don't get angry or even frustrated. Just don't get them what they want until they obey. This will make training them to use "please", "thank you", and "yes ma'am" much easier later on. :)

Between 12 and 24 months, besides the above skills you can teach your little one to:

---"Come" and "Stop". We usually wait until our littles are walking steadily before teaching them to come when called or stop on command. Obviously, these are safety obedience skills, and while we teach and expect our children to obey, protect them from situations where their disobedience would result in harm. You can teach "come" and "stop" with a young child by making it a game. We even offer a reward (one jelly bean) for toddlers playing the "come" or "stop" game. Practice it daily. What about the toddler who has learned to come but then doesn't listen? At this young age, helping them obey is very effective. Call the child's name. Watch to see if they come. If not, go straight to them, get eye contact and say, "Mommy told you to 'come'. You need to 'come' right away when Mommy calls you!" Then take them by the hand and walk them to wherever you were when you called. Praise them, "Good job! You came to Mommy!" and then go about your day. This is not an area of discipline so much as teaching beginning listening skills. Many reminders will be necessary. :)

---Stay within boundaries you create. Blanket time, playpen time, highchair time, etc. These are not for discipline, but for training. Besides, if you make it fun by having a fantastic attitude, your little ones will think they are getting to do something really special. :) If your little one will not stay where you tell them to stay, back-track and teach them to sit on your lap without fussing or screaming. Outlast the temper with a firm, "No. You will not get up until you obey Mommy. Sit quietly." Wait patiently until they are willing to sit quietly. Don't bribe them with toys or distractions when they're being willfull, but when they do yield, give them a small toy or book to look at on your lap. Practice this daily, then you can move on to blanket time, etc.

(On a side note, we love to keep our babies near us. Teaching them a little self-control allows us to take them everywhere and enjoy having them close by. I also love to incorporate my babies and toddlers in my day...if I'm vacuuming, they're on the bed watching. If I'm taking a shower (and they're awake) they're on a blanket with toys on the bathroom floor. :) When I'm cooking, they're in a highchair with puzzles and toys, close enough to be a part of daily family life. At church, they're on my lap or in a sling. When I'm folding laundry, they're playing at my feet or sitting on top of the washing machine. Mommy/baby togetherness is important for attachment and a baby/toddler that obeys simple instructions is much easier to keep nearby at all times. :))


Once your baby has learned to look at you, to listen to your voice, and to respect that you are not going to give in to screaming, you have the basics of obedience.

Parenting with Grace: 30 Days of Practical Tips

I've had alot of requests for specific, practical grace-parenting tips.

I wish I had all of the answers to the questions I receive.

Of course, I do not. :)

Yet my heart is so tender towards mothers, young mothers in particular.

I remember my desperate cries for help when my first two children were small.

I sought advice from numerous older women.

The Bible is clear in Titus 2 who should be teaching the young women:

"The aged women likewise....that they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed."

Now, I don't consider myself old just yet. :)

But often, if young mothers ask true "older" mothers (whose children are grown) for practical parenting advice, they find the older mother has forgotten much of the early years. A rote response of, "Well, we prayed alot" or, "I would never let my child do that!" without being followed up with practical, hands-on help has discouraged many young mothers, myself included.

Obviously we need to bathe our children in prayer. And of course, your child would never do that. :)

But what young mothers really want to know is "How do I get my children to listen to me? What about tantrums and lying, rude body noises and tattling, sibling rivalry and backtalk? What do I do when they hit another child? How do I teach them the Gospel? How do I get them to crawl out of the McDonald's play area when I call them? What if both parents aren't on the same page? What about bedtime battles and anger? How do I get them to show empathy and respect to others? What about mealtime battles?"

They are craving practical, inspiring ideas they can implement in their own situation.

So while I definitely don't have ALL the answers, I am not so "old" that I'm far removed from the early years. I haven't forgotten "what works" because I'm still up-to-my-eyeballs in raising my children.

In fact, I am right in the trenches with you. :) 

I've spent way too much  alot of time over the past 15 years researching and applying various parenting philosophies and practical ideas.

When I try to compile some of my thoughts into one blog post, it quickly becomes WAY. too. long. (I know, I know, my wordiness is no shock. lol)

Instead of one mind-boggling, ridiculously long blog post,  I'm going to split the practical tips into

30 Days of Practical Tips for Parenting with Grace

with one specific topic addressed daily.

I don't usually blog every day but I feel this will be the most effective way to share.

Check back often (or follow my blog for instant updates)! 

Surrender

I have been praying for some time that the Lord would give me a word for this year.

I love it when I'm praying and I hear Him so clearly. That still small voice. The sweet fellowship back and forth with my Lord.

Sometimes the answer comes easily, quickly. Sometimes He wants us to persue Him over and over again until He releases the answer.

Either way, it is beautiful communion with the God of Heaven, the Savior and Lover of my soul.

Last week, He gave me this word:

SURRENDER.

At first, I was confused.

I thought I had already surrendered to His will and way.

Why then, the word surrender?

The answer came in Romans 12.

"I beseech ye therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies.....

A LIVING SACRIFICE....."

Surrender to God is not just a one-time deal.

Yes, on the day I gave my life to Jesus Christ, I surrendered my will to His.

I became His child and His servant.

But surrender must be a daily act of laying my life on the altar.

"A living sacrifice". Alive in Christ, yet dead to myself.

Surrender means dying to my wants and meeting the needs of another instead.

In "momma terms", it means cleaning up the vomit with a smile.

Holding the raging child without getting angry.

Getting less sleep because the laundry isn't fininshed.

Staying calm and patient in the chaos.

Taking the time to train my children and pour my life into meeting their needs (when sometimes I'd rather just.be.lazy).

Following my husbands leadership, even when I love to "take charge".

Forgiving those who have hurt me, not because it's easy but because I'm DEAD anyway. (Ever notice how dead people don't get offended?)

This year, I'm going to focus more on full Surrender to the Lord and His daily plan for my life.

What are some of YOUR goals for 2013?

Do you have a special word or thought you're meditating on this year?

I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments below!

Happy New Year from the Bergey Bunch

 

Brent and Selina

 

 

 

Johanna Ling, 15

 

Eliana Rose, 10

Nathaniel Brenton, 8

Noah Michael, 6

Ethan Charles, 3

 



Gabriella Mei, 3

Alyssia XiaBao, 3

We are looking forward to an amazing year in 2013. Thank you for your sweet friendships, encouragement, and support. May each one of you find true joy in seving Jesus Christ with your whole hearts, this year, and always.

Blessings from each of us at the Bergey Bunch! :)

 

(Pictures courtesy of my sister Lauren, at www.laurenzeiglerphotography.com Thank you! :))

Rage, Grief and Defiance in the Older Adopted Child, Part 1

---This post continues with my series, The Good, The Bad, and The Downright Ugly: Realities of Older Child Adoption. Click on the link above, titled "Older Child Adoption" to read the first several posts in this series.---

Imagine with me for a moment, that you're an orphan. Abandoned as a newborn, you've spent years in an institution, deprived of the loving nurture that you so desperately need. You are ignored and ostracized at school, so you sleep through most of your classes. You are undisciplined and unloved, so you lie, cheat, steal, hoard, manipulate, scream, hide, and bully in order to survive. You are unattached and ignored, and you scratch and rock at night in order to simply feel something.

 Now imagine with me that tomorrow morning you wake up in a new place. In a different bed, in a strange home, with disgusting food, surrounded by unfamiliar people speaking a language you don't understand. They tell you this is a family, and you've always wanted a family, but you haven't the slightest clue how to survive in this environment.

They take you out and you are constantly overwhelmed. Your first time in a store, you play under the racks of clothing like a toddler. You make noise in church, unbuckle in the car, and run out in front of cars in parking lots.

You lie about absolutely everything because it feels safer that way.

You are slowly stripped of your lifelong survival skills, as your new family teaches you a better way. Truth replaces lies. Work replaces cheating. Kindness replaces bullying. Sharing replaces hoarding. Snuggles on Mommy's lap replace the rocking. And eye contact replaces the hiding.

In many ways, you begin to love your new life, the shock of the change starts to wear off, and a bit of sparkle returns to your eyes. The food starts to taste better, the people aren't quite so weird, and the new language slowly gets easier.

Its not that you really want to return to the old life--you don't--but you still long for the familiar, the comfortable, the only way you've ever known.

And so you grieve. Not every day, just sometimes. Like when you get a letter from a friend from your orphanage. Or when your mother expects you to do something you never had to do before. Or when you watch your siblings, with their seemingly carefree life and you start to wonder, "WHY ME? Why wasn't I born into this family? Why wasn't I adopted as a baby? Why does everything have to be so hard for me?"

You act out, because it's your only survival skill, because you miss your old home, and because you're furious that life is NOT fair.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Everything I wrote above is true for our Johanna. Things are going pretty well most days now :), but we've been through some dark, long, heavy grieving and raging times as well. The worst of it shook our family to the very core, and sent us sobbing to our knees.

Please understand that we empathize completely with our sweet Johanna. She did not choose to have to face these struggles. We know God has an amazing plan for her life and we are just one of the parts of the process. :)

That being said, I would be lying if I said this has been easy. It's been the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. It's been exhausting, confusing, and downright painful.

BUT! The lessons the Lord has been teaching me, the fruit in Johanna's life, the strength of our family in the midst of everything makes it so so worth it.

There are reasons families aren't coming forward in massive droves to adopt older children. There are reasons older children are disrupted in much larger numbers than younger children. I personally think part of the reason for this is lack of education, preparation, and support. Very few people talk about the really hard things, in part because they don't want to hinder others from adopting and in part because they are afraid they will be judged if they admit that things are not always perfect.

Adopting a child from a hard place is just that: HARD. It is also quite possibly one of the sweetest life experiences you could ever have.

Families need to be prepared, equipped, and supported, long after the adoption has been finalized.   In an effort to offer support, understanding, and education for other families, I'm going to elaborate on some of the behavior challenges and coping techniques regarding rage, grief, and defiance in the older adopted child.  

RAGE, GRIEF and DEFIANCE

I'm sure there are fancy definitions for the kind of rage I'm talking about here, but this is the word that comes to mind for this behavior, so I'm using it. :) It's not always an "angry" rage, as many times it can be a mourning, sad kind of rage.

Raging (in Johanna's case) involves any (or all) of the following: screaming, scratching, self-harm, hateful words, inability to calm down, tantruming, kicking, throwing things, and running away.

Picture the worst toddler tantrum, on steroids, for hours, and you have a tiny glimpse into the world of a raging adopted teen. :)

The combination of an inability to control her emotions and not being taught much of anything--coupled with the frustrations of life--combine to create the perfect storm.

If you're familiar at all with the teachings of Dr. Karyn Purvis (if you've adopted, you should be!), you'll remember the "flight, fright, freeze" brain mechanism that happens during stress for our kiddos. Unattached, unnurtured brains react unusually to duress.

Anyway,  Johanna goes to all three. :) Sometimes she runs (very far!), sometimes she cowers in fear, and sometimes her eyes go blank and she freezes up.

Most of Johanna's raging seemed to coinside with a period of grief and defiance. I think the "honeymoon" had worn off and she began to mourn the loss of her old life in China. She struggled defiantly with learning to obey and learning important life skills (like brushing her teeth or learning to read English). No one in her life had ever made her do much of anything, and she fought this transition HARD.

 It was several months of daily raging.  Various things would trigger it, anything from being asked to do a "difficult" math problem, to being told to wash her hair correctly, to being disciplined in any way for anything. Even a simple "Johanna, you did wrong." could trigger a raging tantrum. Getting injured, losing a game, being teased, getting sad, being nervous, being forced to make eye contact, being overstimulated or overtired, etc, etc, etc.....

Basically, any time her emotions were affected, she would start to shake her head, kick, and scream. Loud, open-mouthed, horrible-sounding screams. If I didn't give in and cater to her every whim (I didn't), they were even more unbearable. The longest tantrum lasted six hours. Yes, six long hours of uncontrollable screaming, kicking, and throwing things.

The rages were daily at their worst, sometimes multiple times a day, often late into the night. We were exhausted and our other children were beginning to be very angry at this child who was literally controlling our entire family with her screaming.

I knew much of this was normal, but I truly wasn't sure how many more months I could take of the screaming. I tried all of the traditional parenting tips I had accumulated over the years, most of which didn't work. I scoured the internet and my adoption books, called social workers and researced everywhere for what to do when your child quits anything "hard", lies about absolutely everything, and screams for hours and hours on end.....

Our attachment was already new and in-process and the screaming did nothing to encourage my attachment to her. The natural boundary between mother and child that prevents abuse, even when you're angry was not always there, and I felt overwhelmed and guilty with my own feelings of anger and frustration. I loved her, yes, but there's only so many loving feelings that flow when you're holding a kicking and screaming child in her room for three hours while your other children call for Mommy outside the door.

Even in the midst of the darkest, loneliest days, God was molding, teaching, and equipping me to parent our sweet girl. He was teaching me some life lessons that I needed to learn, and He had not forgotten about us. Over the months, as I learned and utilized some techniques and methods that helped Johanna, God filled my empty heart over and over again with love for her.

Johanna is not perfect. Her upbringing and past abuses have left their mark on her life, but God is in the miracle business---HE IS THE REDEEMER---and He is redeeming her beautiful life for His glorious purpose. She has come SO far over the past year and a half and is such a gorgeous redeemed treasure!

We have no regrets for following God's call, even when the "going gets tough".

Next time, I'll share some of the wonderful techniques that have helped Johanna learn to control her emotions, obey, and succeed in so many other ways. (I was hoping to put it into one post, buuuuut, you all know how "wordy" I can be, lol.) 

Toddler Photo Shoot: Funny Out-takes :)

During our family Christmas photo shoot last week, we posed the three toddlers alone for some shots.

The out-takes tell a story all their own.....;)

"Girls, why don't you give your brother a kiss on the cheek??"

Lyssie and Gabbey lean forward to kiss Ethan.

He promptly spits in Lyssie's face. (Oh, yes he did! LOL)

Look closely at the expressions on their faces below:

Gabbey backs up from the spitter, hoping she's not about to get spit on.

Lyssie begins to pout and cry.

Ethan finds his actions utterly hysterical.

Daddy and Mommy correct the spitter and the pouter and the girls try again to give their brother a kiss.

Now Ethan's not so sure about the kissing.

"Okay, guys, how about you just SMILE instead?"

And there you have it! :)

Thank You and Changes

Dearest Friends and Family,

Thank you to those of you who prayed and encouraged our hearts last week.

We faced some really big decisions that affect our entire family's future.

There is an amazing peace from God that we made the correct decision. We are facing some pretty major changes coming our way this next year and we are extremely excited about them!  I wish I could publicly share all that the Lord has been doing in our lives.....but this blog is just that: public. And I need to wait a little longer to share all the details. :)

One change that I can share is that we had to put our adoption plans for Africa on hold. Our hearts are still just as passionate about orphan care as they ever were, but we won't be pursuing an international adoption right now.

Our God loves us, His unworthy children, so much more than any of us deserve. The immense joy that comes from wholehearted, abandoning faith is beyond description. Just when our hearts were aching because of our change in adoption plans, the Lord opened some doors we had been praying fervently about for quite some time! His ways are not our ways, and I'm thankful.

I know I've started several series over the past few months, and I'm doing my best to work on each one as time allows. We had company for almost 2 weeks in November and that, combined with the heavy decisions on our hearts, has made my blogging time next to nothing. :)

I've had many requests for some practical examples of Grace Parenting, as well as more detailed posts on the older child adoption series. My goal is to work on both series in the next two weeks. Stay tuned and thank you for your prayers, encouragement, and patience. :)

With Love,
Selina