The Good, the Bad, and the Downright Ugly: Realities of Older Child Adoption

Not everything I write about is easy to share.

 

In fact, some of it is very personal and therefore very difficult to talk about in such a public way.

 

For that reason, I have waited until now, until I had clearance from the Lord and my husband, to share the deepest thoughts of my heart with you.

 

I have been approached more times than I can count about the realities of older child (and out-of-birth-order) adoption. Families want to know more than the feel good, mushy stuff that's fun to blog about. They want the GOOD, the BAD, and the downright UGLY.

 

Naturally, it is the most fun to share about the GOOD and most of what I have shared the past year has pertained to the good. :)

 

Today I will address the BAD and the downright UGLY, in the sincere hope that I can be a blessing and an encouragement to other mommas on their parenting journeys (one of the main purposes of this blog!).

 

And just because no blog post is fun without pictures, I'm including lots of pictures from Johanna's 15th birthday party this past July. :)

 

 

Let me start by saying this: Our Johanna is a treasure beyond words. We do not fault her for the challenges that accompany her adoption, because she did NOT choose to be an abandoned, she did not choose to be an orphan, and she did not choose to be institutionalized for 14 years. We are committed to being her "forever family" and are thankful for the immense blessings she has brought to our family.

There were some days this past year, where it felt like Johanna had always been a part of our family, where the bonding was effortless, where the children blended beautifully, and where we all found it easy to love each other.

But there have also been many, many days where none of the above was true......where the challenges of language and culture, birth-order and behavior, teen hormones and toddler maturity were overwhelming, exhausting, frustrating, suffocating even. Where I had to wake up in the morning and fake loving feelings for this child. Where my heart broke into a million pieces as I saw the affect she was having on the younger children. Where I wanted to scoop her up into my arms, run away with her, and start her life over so she wouldn't have to overcome so much and it wouldn't be so so so hard.

"Mommy, it's just not fair! The other children got to be with you as babies and they learned how to -----fill in the blank here with whatever we were working on----when they were little. It's just SO HARD for me to learn it now."

Please believe me when I say that we have no regrets. There is no doubt in our minds that Johanna was and IS meant to be in our family. For the most part, we've been able to see the light through the darkest days, with the exception of one very long weekend which was the one and only time the word disruption entered our vocabulary. (More about that later.) We are even more committed to making this work on all accounts than we were before we adopted her, because now we've heard her laugh, we've wiped away her tears, we've mended her hurts, we've watched her blossom---and we love her to the moon and back.

 

I want to talk first about BIRTH ORDER and how our adoption of a child older than the rest of our children has affected our family.

 

You will find most people (agencies included) will discourage "adopting out of birth order". I won't go into the science behind birth order, but I do think it's important to consider this topic.

 

Adopting Johanna immediately bumped Eliana (10) out of her firstborn position in our family. And while she completely agreed to the adoption and went out of her way to welcome Johanna and share her family with her, it was still very hard in the beginning. I remember Eliana coming to me privately numerous times to discuss this. She would repeatedly ask me, "Mommy, even though Johanna is the oldest now, will I always be the first one to come out of your tummy?" and I would reassure her over and over again of my love for her and her "place" in our family. After a TON of work, effort, guiding hearts, teaching, and loving, Eliana and Johanna are now pretty much inseperable. They play, work, dream, and plan like true sisters now.

 

One of the things I didn't think about in advance was that Johanna would get to do everything "first", before Eliana. Younger siblings are raised with the acceptance that they are not "first" in line for anything----they won't get older, drive, get their ears pierced, graduate, attend college, etc, FIRST. But the oldest child knows from the time they're little that they will be first. Especially given the fact that Johanna came to us very, very immature (therefore not earning priveleges by "right", just by "age"), it was hard for Eliana to accept the fact that Johanna would be doing "everything" before her. As Johanna has matured over the past year, and the girls have become "buddies", this has become less of an issue.

 

Nathaniel (8) has also struggled with accepting Johanna as his "older" sister. Keep in mind that for many months, Johanna acted less mature (in just about every area of life) than Eliana did. This really bothered Nathaniel and caused him alot of frustration. He takes it very personal when she is disrespectful to "his" Mommy and he felt left out and overlooked when caring for and teaching Johanna took so much of my time. Even though we as adults can completely empathize with the reasons behind Johanna's behaviors, empathy is a learned behavior and one I have had to continually work on with my children. I have been working on creative ways to strengthen Johanna and Nathaniels' bond.

 

It truly is a balancing act, parenting the various needs of each of our children, isn't it? :)

 

 

Our younger four children have accepted Johanna with open arms (well, Gabbey didn't take to her immediately, but she loves her now). Johnna came to us with ZERO ability to relate to young children. They frustrated and angered her and she even hit them a few times. This is an area where she has shown incredible growth. She is now able to completely care for the young children in our home. She can feed them, bathe them, dress them, take them potty, put them down for a nap, play with them, entertain them, discipline them (minor, appropiate reprimands when she is in charge), teach them, and love them. It's kinda scary, really----she sounds JUST LIKE me when she takes care of the littlest ones. Patience, role-playing, and modeling good parenting skills definitely paid off in this area.

 

Johanna asked me the other day, "Mommy, do you think I will be a GOOD mommy?"

 

 I truly think she'll be a great mommy someday.

Well, this post is getting long and I've barely scratched the surface of what I want to say. I guess I will just have to split this into several posts. :)

I'll close with one of my favorite pictures: Johanna and Eliana with their "best" friends, Elise and Emily. Such sweet, beautiful girls.....

In case you were wondering....

November is National Adoption Awareness month, in case you didn't know.

That means I have an excuse a reason to post even more about our Father's heart for the fatherless. :)

I'm also working on a long-awaited update post on Johanna. It should be up tonight or tomorrow. I finally feel liberty to share some of the challenges we've faced, adopting an older child out-of-birth-order. If you've been curious (or even came out and openly asked!) about how the past year has truly been, stay tuned for the next post.

Eliana (10) and Nathaniel (8) have their first violin recital this month. This means we've been working extra hard and long on their practice times. Johanna wants to play an instrument, but we don't feel she's quite ready for the violin experience.....any ideas for a very simple, easy-to-learn (maybe without professional lessons) instrument we could give her for Christmas? I would prefer something that would blend nicely with the piano and violins. We do have a penny whistle, but Johanna struggles with blowing it correctly, due to her repaired cleft lip and the damaged muscles. Ideas, anyone???

I'm headed back to my draft of Johanna's update. More later!

Parenting with Grace, Part 2

(In Part 1 of our series, we discussed the three types of mothers and introduced the topic of Grace Parenting. You can find Part 1 of this series here.)

In Part 2, I'm speaking from my heart to the more law-driven mothers. Later, we'll address the more permissive mindset and the need for balance between the two.

 If you don't fall into the first category, you might be wondering what in the world is she talking about? But I do believe some of you, like me, have been taught to parent very authoritatively, and henceforth very harshly, and can relate to every word I'm writing.

This post is for you.

I Thessalonians 2:7 says, "But we were GENTLE among you, even as a nurse cherisheth her children;"

Especially notice the words gentle and cherish...can you picture in your mind a nursing mother hearing her baby cry, picking up and snuggling her helpless newborn?

Do you have this same attitude of gentleness with your 3 year old? Your 8 year old? Your teenager?

This attitude of You are a precious gift from God and I will cherish every hug, every disobedience, every victory, and every failure because YOU ARE PRECIOUS to me and to God?

Are gentleness, kindness, forgiveness, restoration, humility, and sweetness the key parenting words in your toolbox, or do you find yourself using authority, harshness, inconvenience, annoyance, discipline, and punishment more?

Keep in mind that this verse in I Thessalonians was not speaking about being gentle with children---it was a statement to the Thessalonian church---"We (the leaders, the authority) were gentle among you".  If gentleness is preferred between church leaders and church members, how much more should it be preferred between mothers and the sweet little ones God has entrusted them with?

I Corinthians 13 explains how our LOVE should be: 
 
longsuffering and kind, humble and unselfish, calm and slow to anger, thoughtful and considerate, rejoicing in truth, thinking no evil, and never failing. 

I will freely admit that I spent the first few years of my parenting experience applying the love principles of I Corinthians 13 to adults and not children.

Forgiveness, second chances, endurance through trials, focusing on the positive, and restoration? Wasn't that just for grown-ups?

Weren't children supposed to obey the first time, every time, no questions asked, with a smile and a "yes, ma'am" or face a swift and consistent consequence?

There was no doubt that I loved my children with every ounce of my being, that I cherished being a mother and was passionate about being involved in every aspect of training and nurturing the little ones entrusted to me. But I was focusing on the outward behavior, the instant obedience at any cost, and in the midst of my passion, my good intentions, and my deepest sincerity, I was missing this attitude of grace and I was teaching my children to live under the law in a "works" based environment where Mommy was only happy if they fulfilled my "law".

Verse 11 of I Corinthians 13 says, "When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought  as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things."

Children are supposed to be childish. :)

Simple, I know. But deep, too.

Because, once again, in Jesus' kingdom, things are backwards:

*We want our children to be like adults when Jesus said He wanted the adults to be like children.*

Children are supposed to be children: They're supposed to think, act, understand, and behave like children. Lovingly, gently, and consistently trained, they WILL eventually, gradually, "put away childish things". But I've learned that obedience doesn't have to be obtained by the harshest, strict methods that some might endorse and that I once practiced.

If you're a law-minded momma like I once was (and occasionally still struggle with being), you may find your really great intentions fueled by FEAR. You know exactly what I mean---you're afraid your child will grow up and rebel against the things of the Lord, you're afraid to raise a "spoiled brat", you're afraid of what people might think, you're afraid that if you allow this behavior you'll ruin your child for life.

I was once ruled by these overwhelming fears.

They drove me to extremes in my parenting style because I was trying so hard to do everything just right.

But you know what?

Grace is extended to mommas, too. :)

I found forgiveness at the feet of my Jesus---and the strength I desperately needed to change the areas He revealed to me. Slowly, as my mindset shifted from law to grace, and my parenting style changed, I started to see the fruit I had been trying to cultivate in my children for years!

Children are alot like flowers. Flowers need rain---but they will wither and die under a harsh downpour. Children need discipline----but their spirits will wither and die under a harsh parent.

Both the flowers and the children will THRIVE under a gentle and nurturing touch.

(If you've read my blog for any length of time---or know me in real life :)---then you know I am not encouraging a child-led home with no order or discipline. I believe in teaching and training my little ones just as much as I always have. We'll touch on the practicalities of gentle Grace Parenting in a later post.)

Guest Post by my 10 year old daughter

I came home from a trip to town a couple of days ago and found this blog post ready on my computer. Without any help from me (she came up with the title and content completely on her own!), Eliana (age 10) had written this, sharing her perspective on life in a large family. It's so precious, I just had to share it here.

Having a Large Family, 3 Goals from Eliana Bergey

 1)   How we get anything done.  In a big family yes, it is hard to get alot done! What I do is I take Johanna into my room and we do our math together and turn our fan on so we can’t hear anything! These are just some things we do.

2)   What are some fun things to do in a big family. Here is an example. A few nights ago we were eating dinner and I said,“Hey guys, let’s hide from Daddy when he gets home!” They said “yes, yes!” “Ok,” I said, “When Johanna sees him I will get Gabbey, and Johanna can get Lyssie and everybody else RUN!” So we waited and waited, then he came in the driveway I said “Hide! Hide!” So all the babies were in Mommy’s closet hiding when they were supposed to be under the bed! J Anyway that’s just a ideaJ. They love to play hide and seek! And most of all they like to play under my bed!! Which they are not allowed to do!

3)    How I deal with all the noise.  In our house yes, there is alot of noise! How do I do it? I do not really know. We have 7 children, 3 babies and one more in Congo, Africa! So you ask me how I do it. We have a small house, so we can’t have it perfectly no noise! Sometimes yes we do make the toddlers be quiet, but sometimes we don’t! Here are some ideas for you (1) make a play area for your little ones.( 2 ) teach them when mommy tells you to be quiet you be quiet.( 3 ) give them blessings when they obey! Now don’t think our toddlers are perfect! Cause they are not! Yes we have had some timeouts here and there, but they’re learning! Now when I say blessings I mean reward them, say “Good job, you obeyed mommy- you get a 1 chocolate chip!”

  And if you’re thinking I have my own computer I don’t! I just

 asked my Mom if I could put it on her blog! Thank you for listening and I hope to write more soon! J

 Written by: Eliana Rose Bergey, 10 years old. I love children and my dreams are to have or adopt more children!

 

 

(From Mommy: Eliana has already begun writing her second post, one on older child adoption from a younger child's perspective. I can't wait to read what she has to share!)

 

Parenting with Grace, Part 1

(This post was initially meant to be Part 5 in my Finding JOY in Motherhood series....but due to its length, I've decided to just start a new series on this subject.)

By way of introduction....

Let’s say tomorrow you have a really bad morning. You wake up late and forget to have your devotions. During the morning rush, you snap at your husband when he asks you to make his lunch. Can’t he just make his own lunch for once? The dog spills his water, the toddler has more breakfast on his shirt and the floor than he does in his tummy, the four year old is shouting, “Mommy, there’s no toilet paper and I went number TWWWOOO!” and a battle over clothes is about to ensue with your teenager. You feel yourself hitting your breaking point, and you react angrily to your circumstances by yelling at everyone. Your guilt is immediate, but your pride is having a hard time admitting that you’re wrong, so you sulk for a while.

It’s only then that you realize your best friend has been sitting on the couch the whole time, observing your behavior. She chooses that moment to say, “Oh, my goodness. You are such a bad wife and mother! You nag your husband, yell at your children, and look at this house! It’s a pig sty! I bet you haven’t cleaned it in a month. And don’t get me started on your attitude. It’s lousy. Quite frankly, you’ll probably never be a godly wife and mother and I’m sick of being your friend.”

Sound like grace?

I don't think so. :)

Now, think how you would feel if your friend said these words instead....."Oh, my. It looks like yu're having a rough day. I bet you could use a hug. Being a godly wife and mother is hard and I know how badly you want to do a good job. Why don't I pray with you and then I'll watch the children for an hour while you take a little break, regroup and come again?"

What response would you rather receive at the hand of someone you love?

Today, we're going to begin a series on a subject that is near and dear to my heart.

I've eluded before on my blog the paradigm shift that occurred in my parenting style a few years ago.

You see, during the years of infertility we experienced before our first child was born, I spent hours upon hours researching Christian parenting and reading every book I could get my hands on about the subject.

Several of the most well-known Christian parenting experts promised that if I would just do A plus B, I'd get C-----the well-behaved children I desired to have.

Well-behaved, godly children.

Yes, that's what I wanted!

I was willing to do anything if it meant having my children love God and obey me. I was literally 100 percent consistent. I constantly looked for ways to train my children. I disciplined frequently, often for minor issues. I won every "battle", no matter the cost.

My heart was in the right place---I wanted to be the very best mother I could be!

But, sadly, I was missing what I now believe to be the most important aspect of good Christian parenting and disclipline:

GRACE.

Parenting With Grace

I like to think there are three kinds of mothers.

There are those who parent by the law, those who parent by permissiveness, and those who parent by grace.

Let me explain.

The mother who parents by the law is a determined momma. She wants to raise up a godly seed, and goes after her children’s behaviors with passion.

This mother keeps the rod handy and uses it frequently.

She has devoured every parenting manual that exists in the hopes of doing it all "right".

She often feels like a failure when her "consistent parenting" doesn't result in "perfect" children.

Yet not one sin goes unnoticed, not one disobedience goes unpunished. She has set herself up as the authority in her children’s lives, her rules are many, her goal, seemingly perfection.

Her standards for her children are commendably high yet her methods are rigid and authoritative. She lives in fear that if she loses a “battle” with her child, she has lost the “war” and ultimately, her success as a parent is based on her children’s performance.

The mother who parents by the law desires obedience above relationship and her goal is to make her children obey.

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At the other extreme is the permissive mother.

She also wants to raise up godly children, but lacks the motivation to establish a plan. Her children have few rules, little structure, and even less discipline.

Intimidated by the work involved in parenting her children, the permissive mother finds it easier to avoid “battles” altogether by allowing the children excessive freedom.

The mother who parents with permissiveness desires relationship above obedience and remains continually frustrated that her children won't obey.

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The balanced mother is the one who parents with grace towards her children.

 She realizes that obedience without relationship is merely OUTWARD compliance and that relationship without obedience is destructive to the child’s moral conscience and ultimately, their walk with the Lord.

This mother has experienced the amazing, forgiving grace through salvation in Jesus Christ and seeks to lovingly extend the same grace to her children by teaching them obedience in the midst of a gentle, nurturing, loving environment. 

She is quick to forgive and offer second chances.

She does not expect her children to reach perfection and is not shocked by their "childishness" nor offended by their mistakes.

Her goal is to help her children obey.

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I realize that there are many parents who struggle more with the need to discipline their children than the over-use of discipline on their children. The goal of this series is emphasize the need for a BALANCE between the two extremes.

 

Are forgiveness, grace, second-chances, mercy, gentleness, respect, and kindness ONLY for adults? Next time, we'll look at what the Bible says about GRACE. Then I will share how this Grace Parenting came about in our family and our new approach to child-training since our shift in mindset towards our children. 

Just some sentences......

It's late on Saturday evening. Children are asleep in their beds. I rocked Ethan to sleep tonight, loving every second. (even if he didn't think it was bedtime yet) :)

I ate my favorite ice cream for dinner: Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough. Ok, maybe I have more than one favorite ice cream. Depends on the day and my mood. I figure if I eat ice cream instead of dinner it is better for me. Ahem. Or not.

We had a really great week, which I needed desparately. We've completed nine weeks of school already! I love everything about My Father's World.

While running errands in town today, we listened to the entire two-CD set of "Elsie's Endless Wait" Life of Faith dramatized audio-book. Can I just say how wonderful the story was? I missed a few minutes of the story when I ran into Target to pick out a new journal and had to pause the CD so the children could tell me what had happened. I love my new journal. And I can't wait to start writing in it.

I finished reading a couple of books the Social Worker gave me to read. "Three Little Words" quickly became a favorite. It's the autobiography of a young girl who went through a ridiculous amount of foster care placements, including several abusive ones, before being adopted at 12 years old. Her perspective was interesting, enthralling and encouraging to me, as the momma of an older adopted child. Adoptive parents would do well to add this book to their library.

I spent an hour and a half on the phone yesterday with our family doctor's office. Scheduling nine physicals (a requirement for our homestudy) apparently is unusual, requires special permission, and takes half an afternoon to complete. At least the receptionist and I are on a nice first-name basis now. Oh, and we need TB tests, which require a follow-up visit....I won't even tell you how many trips to town I have to make to get all of this done. :)

Noah had chicken pox two weeks ago. Which translates to: the rest of our children should be getting it soon because I exposed them really, really well. "Kiss Noah again! One more hug!" LOL

My husband has lost alot of weight since January. He also started running, and motivated me to give it a try. I about died the first time I tried to run 1/4 of a mile. Happy to report: I can now run over 3 miles a couple of times a week---and I don't feel half-dead afterwards! Hubby is the real winner, though. Love that man so much.

Whoever said that Sundays are a day of rest clearly didn't have 7 young children. I'm still very thankful for a day of worship (even if I do often work harder than most weekdays!). I've got an egg casserole in the oven, ready for tomorrow morning.

This weather is so confusing for my children and their clothing choices. "Mommy, long sleeves or short sleeves today? Can I wear my tights yet? Jeans or shorts?" Today it was 85, but tomorrow's high is only 70. I'm never in a hurry for the seasons to change.....I enjoy each one. Well, I don't LOVE winter, but I don't hate it either. Change is always nice. My favorite part of fall is our yearly trip to Carter's Mountain for their apple festival!

And with that, dear friends, I'm signing off. Morning comes early around here for Momma on Sundays. :)

Alyssia: The Difference a Year Makes......

 

One year ago in China, a heartbroken foster mama and daddy said good-bye to a spunky little sparkly eyed baby. The baby they'd found 2 years before, abandoned as a tiny newborn. The baby who had slept in their bed, been comforted by their love, and charmed her way into their hearts.

 

They handed the beautiful baby girl over to her new daddy.

 

One year ago, a heartbroken little girl had her world turned topsy-turvy overnight. While she gained her "forever family", in the process she lost everything she'd ever known. The foster parents encouraged her to love your new American "baba" (daddy) but she didn't desire a replacement.

In desparation, she clung to the precious few items she came with: her clothes, her snack cup, her water bottle, and her sparkly red princess shoes. She spent hours crying in frustration that she couldn't hold all of her special things at once.

She slept fitfully, her nights filled with terror as she would awake and realize that the new daddy was still here and her foster mama was not. She would pick up her things and head for the hotel door, hoping this nightmare would be over soon.

 

The new daddy had prayed and waited for the moment he could hold his new baby girl in his arms---but naturally, she wasn't as excited as he was. Back home in America, the new mommy was clinging to every skype call, every email, every picture that was contact with her precious new daughter. Her mommy's heart ached to hold and comfort her during this difficult time.

 

Slowly, the baby girl began to accept her kind new daddy. They connected over food, over bath-time, over long walks and a soft new pink blankie.

  Just when the new normal was beginning to be predictable, the new daddy took the baby girl on a very, very long airplane ride......

 

which brought her to the arms of a new mommy. (and six fun new playmates!)

 

Having experienced the "hand-off'" once, baby girl was having none of it this time around.

 

She seemed convinced that if she liked the new mommy, even a tiny bit, the new daddy would leave and she would be abandoned yet again. So she clung tightly to new daddy and pushed, fought, screamed and sobbed when new mommy came near.

 

For a very long time... 

 

Even on "fun" days--like her 2nd birthday, the tears were still there. Especially if new daddy wasn't sitting VERY close by.

Each day the new daddy would peel the little arms off of his legs in order to leave for work.....and each evening, sweet baby girl would run to the new daddy and not let go of him all evening.

 

 

 

 

The new mommy tried very hard but it still took a long time for the sparkly little girl to start to shine through again.....

 

 

Until, finally, one day the new mommy could touch new baby without being smacked in the face....

 

 

Until one day, new baby would even SMILE with new mommy in the same room.

 
Until one day, new baby felt completely comfortable with her entire new family and the tears eased.....the fears subsided.......the night sweats went away......the nightmares and screaming were gone.

 
 And the new mommy was SO SO happy to finally be able to LOVE and be loved by new baby.
 

Welcome to the Bergey Bunch, Alyssia. Thank you for giving us the opportunity to love your sweet little self. This year has brought many changes for us and for you, but you are such a brave girl. Your spirit is gentle, kind, and so very precious to each one of us.

 

Never forget for a minute: You are so, so loved.

 

Happy 1 year Gotcha Day, Alyssia!